我們的愛情不是浪漫電影,但我的幸福很確定

Recently, Joe and I were watching a “Black Mirror” episode in which technology assigns relationship expiry dates to couples. (It’s “expiry” because they are British.)

最近，我和喬(Joe)看了一集《黑鏡》(Black Mirror)。在這一集裏，科技給情侶關係規定了終止日期。（是“終止”[expiry]，因爲他們是英國人。）

Just as I was wondering how that might apply to us, Joe said, “Maybe if you never check the date, you never get one.”

正當我在琢磨這個辦法用在我們身上會怎樣時，喬說，“也許如果你永遠不看那個日期，就永遠沒有期限。”

Joe and I are engaged, by the way. But I am plagued by doubt, wondering if this is right. I look at data on failed marriages, wanting to fail-proof my own. I read articles that say criticism and defensiveness will eat away at a relationship, and I worry because I am a rather critical and defensive person. Contempt, I read, is “the kiss of death,” and I worry I have some of that too.

順便說一下，我和喬已經訂婚了。但我心中充滿疑惑，想知道這麼做對不對。我觀察失敗婚姻的數據，希望防止自己的婚姻以失敗收場。看到有文章說批評和戒備會影響親密關係後，我感到擔心，因爲我是一個相當挑剔和有戒備心的人。文章說，輕蔑是“死亡之吻”，我擔心我也有些輕蔑。

In search of a formula for happiness and certainty, I sift through “Dear Prudence,” “Ask Polly” and “Savage Love.” I examine the marriages of friends and acquaintances. I look at engagement photos, scanning the faces for clues.

我在“親愛的普魯登絲”(Dear Prudence)、“問波莉”(Ask Polly)和“薩維奇談愛情”(Savage Love)裏仔細尋找獲得幸福和確定性的辦法。我研究朋友和熟人的婚姻，檢查訂婚時的照片，想從臉上找到蛛絲馬跡。

“How happy are you?” I wonder. “How certain?” I scour wedding websites for evidence of doubt, but in these polished places I never find it.

“你有多幸福？”我問自己。“多確定？”我在婚禮網站上尋找質疑的證據。但在這些經過美化的地方，我一直沒找到。

I read online accounts of broken engagements, identifying signs and symptoms, my heart pounding the way it does when I wake up with a stiff neck and read the meningitis page on WebMD.

我在網上看婚約解除的報道，辨認相關的跡象和症狀。我的心怦怦直跳，就像睡覺醒來脖子僵硬後，在WebMD上看腦膜炎的網頁時一樣。

Part of the problem is I met Joe when I was 22, when I believed the romantic comedy of my life (based on “When Harry Met Sally”) hadn’t started yet. More accurately, I was in the flashback phase of that rom-com: Harry and Sally driving from Chicago to New York together.

問題的一部分在於22歲遇到喬時，我以爲自己人生的浪漫喜劇（改編自《當哈利遇到莎莉》[When Harry Met Sally]）還沒有開始。更準確地說，我那時正處在那部浪漫喜劇的倒敘階段：哈利和莎莉一起從芝加哥開車去紐約。

For a time, whenever I liked someone, I would try to game out the circumstances that would force us on an extended road trip, which would set the stage for us reuniting at some unimaginable age, like 27. By then my stock would have risen. I would be thinner and more successful, possibly even famous. I would have the necessary collateral to ask for what I wanted.

有一段時間，每次我喜歡上什麼人，我都會想象我們進行漫長公路旅行的情況，那種旅行會爲我們在一個不可想像的年齡重逢做鋪墊，比如27歲。到那時，我的股票肯定已經漲了。我會更瘦、更成功，甚至可能更有名氣。我會有底氣得到我想要的。

I envisioned this scenario with several men, not one of whom gave any indication of being a viable long-term prospect. There was the guy who said, “I value our friendship too much” but would begin pawing at me when we were alone; the guy I’d go home drunk with throughout college (but only when it was his idea); and the guy who would come to my apartment late at night to get stoned and lecture me about Radiohead.

我對幾個男人設想過這種場景，但他們沒有一個表現出長期有望的跡象。有個男人說：“我太珍惜我們的友誼了”，但我們一獨處，他就開始對我動手動腳；還有個傢伙，整個大學期間我都喝了酒跟他回家（但每次都是他的主意）；還有個傢伙喜歡很晚到我的公寓裏來喝酒，然後跟我滔滔不絕地講電臺司令樂隊(Radiohead)的事。

These quasi relationships were accompanied by hours of texting or G-chatting that mostly involved me being an attentive sounding board. The challenge of trying to impress thrilled and unnerved me.

這些準戀情伴隨着幾個小時的短信或谷歌聊天，我基本上都扮演着專注傾聽的參謀角色。努力給他們留下深刻印象的挑戰既令我興奮，又令我不安。

I would hungrily read back through our witty exchanges, congratulating myself on points I had scored. Doing so would convince me that, like in a rom-com, I had met the love of my life. Hell, I’d already slept with him! But it wasn’t the right time for us to be romantically involved. We still had at least five years to go before we would reunite. (That I envisioned this fantasy with multiple men seemed like a smarter bet, diversification.)

我會如飢似渴地回頭翻閱我們之間詼諧的交流，爲自己表現好的地方喝彩。這樣做會讓我相信，就像在浪漫喜劇中那樣，我遇到了生命中的摯愛。見鬼，我已經跟他上牀了！但現在不是談戀愛的合適時間。離我們重逢至少還有五年的時間（我在多個男性身上設想過這個場景，這似乎是更明智的做法，可以分散風險）。

In movies, if a man is looking only for sex he is a cad. If he wants to talk, he’s interested in something more. It took me years to understand that men can want any combination of sex and conversation while having zero interest in a relationship.

在電影裏，如果一個男人只關心性，那麼他就是個無賴。如果他想交談，那麼說明他對更多的東西感興趣。好多年後，我才明白，男人可以既想要性，又想交流，但同時對建立戀愛關係沒有絲毫興趣。

The scant attention I received from these men felt safer than asking for more. Also, it was dramatic: My whole life was a “Will we or won’t we?”

相比對我提出更多的要求，那些男人極少關注我，這讓我覺得更安全。而且，這很有戲劇性：我的一生都是在“我們到底能不能？”當中度過的。

And then I met Joe at a bar. He talked to my friends and me and asked for my phone number. Watching him tipsily jab at his screen, I told him to call my phone to make sure he had typed correctly. He hadn’t, so I typed it in. He texted two days later.

然後，我在一個酒吧裏遇見了喬。他跟我和朋友們閒聊，然後要了我的電話號碼。我看着他醉醺醺地在手機屏幕上亂點，就讓他給我打個電話，以確保他記對了。他沒記對，所以我把號碼輸了進去。兩天後，他給我發了短信。

Joe fell into my lap so casually that I thought nothing of it. I considered dating him to be a good use of time while I worked on becoming that more valuable person for someone else.

喬如此隨意地闖入我的生活，所以我根本沒想過重逢的場景。我本來覺得，在我成爲別人更有價值的戀人之前，跟他約會是在很好地利用這段時間。

Joe was 30, I learned. We each suspected an age difference, but this eight-year gulf surprised us. I had grown up on Disney Channel Original Movies and the earliest viral videos. Joe had seen almost every network sitcom — “Cheers,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” you name it. We overlapped on “Friends.” He would say things like, “Did you know ‘Roseanne’ had one of the first same-sex kisses on network television?” I had not.

後來我知道，喬30歲了。我們都料到我們之間存在年齡差距，但相差八歲還是讓我們感到吃驚。我是看着迪士尼頻道的原創電影以及早期的網絡火爆視頻長大的。喬幾乎看過所有的電視情景喜劇——《乾杯酒吧》(Cheers)和《馬爾科姆的一家》(Malcolm in the Middle)等。我們都看過《老友記》(Friends)。他會問：“你知道《羅斯安家庭生活》(Roseanne)是最早出現同性親吻的電視劇嗎？”我不知道。

We talked about our favorite movies and I told him the truth, that mine was the 1994 “Little Women” adaptation. I told him how much I loved the Olive Garden and lamented that the Times Square location was too busy and expensive. He told me about his dogs, a Boston terrier (Pez) and a miniature dachshund (Little Buddy).

我們聊起自己最喜歡的電影，我跟他說了實話，我最喜歡的是1994年的《小婦人》(Little Women)改編電影。我跟他說，我多麼喜歡橄欖園餐廳(Olive Garden)，感嘆時報廣場那家店人太多、太貴了。他跟我講了他的兩隻狗，一隻是波士頓小獵犬（名叫佩茲），另一隻是迷你臘腸犬（名叫小巴迪）。

On the phone to my mother during those early weeks, I told her that Joe seemed to like me an unprecedented amount, and this filled me with a surprising dread. “It seems too easy,” I told her.

在最初的幾周裏，我給媽媽打電話說，喬對我的喜歡似乎是前所未有的，這令我感到意外的恐懼。“似乎來得太容易了，”我對她說。

There was no drama with us. No “Will we or won’t we?” Just a “We are.”

我們之間沒有任何戲劇性情節。沒有“我們要不要？”只有“我們要”。

“Let it be easy,” my mother said.

“那就放鬆點，”媽媽說。

I worried because my text conversation with Joe rarely fell into that rapid-fire rhythm I found so thrilling. But I also wasn’t performing for him.

我擔心是因爲我倆的短信對話很少陷入那種格外刺激的火熱節奏。但我也不會爲他假裝出什麼樣子。

In July, we went to Vermont on our first vacation together. One evening, after we had done the requisite frolicking in nature, I asked Joe what he wanted for dinner.

去年7月，我們第一次一起度假，去了佛蒙特州。一天晚上，飽覽自然風光之後，我問喬晚飯想吃什麼。

He looked at me slyly and said, “How about the Olive Garden?”

他狡猾地看着我說：“橄欖園怎麼樣?”

I threw my arms around him.

我伸手摟住他。

On the drive, I burped in front of him for the first time. I remember it happening in slow motion, including the part where I cried out “No!” right after. When I recovered, Joe told me that the first night he stayed at my apartment, I fell asleep on his chest and drooled all over him.

在去餐廳的路上，我第一次在他面前打了嗝。我記得它是以慢動作發生的，連我隨後喊出的“不！”也是慢動作。我停止打嗝後，喬對我說，他在我的公寓留宿的第一天晚上，我靠在他胸口睡着了，流了他一身口水。

Joe said “I love you” first. I said it back, then retreated into my own head. In all of my scheming before Joe, I had never conceived of a situation in which I would have the power to break someone’s heart. I had assumed the man would have that power and my life would be a constant charm offensive to stop him from using it. I thought when someone said “I love you” to me, it would be the result of my hard work or even trickery.

是喬先說的“我愛你”。我也說了我愛他，但心裏猶豫不決。在遇見喬之前，我從沒設想過自己會擁有力量，可以令別人傷心。我覺得擁有這種力量的會是那個男人，而我的一生就將不斷使用魅力攻勢，阻止他使用這種力量。我以爲，如果有人對我說“我愛你”，那會是我努力甚至是耍花招的結果。

“What’s going on in that dome of yours?” Joe asked as we stood on my building’s fire escape. This is truly how he speaks.

“你這個腦瓜裏在想什麼？”喬問道，當時我們正站在我那棟樓的逃生樓梯上。他確實是這麼說的。

“I don’t want to say it,” I said.

“我不想說，”我說。

“You can say it.”

“你可以說。”

“I’m freaked out because I can imagine a day that I wind up hurting you,” I said. “Not that I have any plans, but the potential exists, and I can’t imagine it the other way around.” This is truly how I speak.

“這嚇着我了，因爲我可以想象到某一天我會傷害你，”我說。“不是說我有什麼計劃，但這種可能性是存在的，並且我無法想象會有其他情況。”我確實是這麼說的。

Joe said: “There’s an episode of ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ where Lois is upset because Hal loves her a little more than she loves him. He tells her it’s O.K. because two people can’t love each other that much. If they did, they’d never leave the house.”

喬說：“《馬爾科姆的一家》裏有一集，露易絲因爲哈爾愛她比她愛哈爾更多一些而感到難過。他告訴她這沒關係，因爲兩個人不可能都那麼愛對方。要是這樣的話，他們就再也沒法離開家了。”

We had one big fight that first year. I was dusting a ceiling fan in his apartment and he got angry that I was doing it in his prized Black Sabbath T-shirt. I stormed out of the apartment and walked to the subway.

在第一年裏，我們大吵過一架。他因爲我穿着他珍愛的黑色安息日(Black Sabbath)樂團T恤在他的公寓裏打掃天花板吊扇而生氣。我衝出了公寓，往地鐵走去。

“I guess we’re going to break up,” I thought. “It’s not like he’s going to chase me to the F train.” I needed to refill my MetroCard but had only pressed the first button when I felt him tap me on the shoulder.

“我想我們要分手了，”我想。“他大概不會追到F號線。”我要給地鐵卡充錢，但纔剛按下第一個按鍵，就感覺到他拍了我的肩膀。

I’m 27 now, the age I imagined I would be when one of those guys from my past would realize I was the One. In some ways, I am the version of myself I hoped I would be. I am more successful, by virtue of being six years out of college. I’m a little thinner, though I try to think about that less.

現在我27歲了，在我以前的想象裏，到了這個年紀，我的某個前任就會意識到我纔是他的真命天女。從某些方面上說，我成了自己希望成爲的樣子。我更成功了，因爲我已經離開大學六年了。我還瘦了一點，但我儘量少去想這回事。

I sometimes wonder how I would do on the dating market now, imagining Harry and Sally reunions with those indifferent men from my past. I’m in touch with a few of them and, to be honest, they don’t seem to be pining.

有時我也會去想，在現在的約會市場上我會表現得怎麼樣，我會想象自己與過去那些漫不經心的男人們來一段哈利和莎莉式的重逢。我和他們中的一些還有聯繫，說實話，他們似乎並不苦苦思念我。

I try to remember that I am worthy of anyone, but mostly that I am worthy of Joe. It’s common for a woman to have that kind of realization at the end of a movie, to discover she was enough all along. But what the movies get wrong is that once the character realizes this, she is transformed forever. In real life, I have to keep reminding myself.

我努力記住我配得上任何人，但最主要的是我配得上喬。電影結束時，女人往往會有這樣的覺悟，會發現她一直都足夠好。但在電影中，一旦主角意識到了這點，她就永遠地改變了，這是不對的。在現實生活中，我必須不斷提醒自己。