怎樣讓自己的性格變得越來越好

A few years ago, Brandon Green was sitting on the couch, brooding over a small mistake he'd made at work and the likely consequences. His roommate walked in and began telling him about something funny that happened to him that day. Mr. Green didn't chuckle or even smile. He scowled and said nothing.

幾年前的一天，布蘭登·格林(Brandon Green)坐在沙發上，琢磨着他在工作中犯的一個小錯和可能釀成的後果。這時格林的室友走進來，開始跟他講那天他遇到的趣事。但格林並沒有笑出聲來，甚至連微笑也沒有。他只是皺着眉頭，一言不發。

That's when his roommate offered Mr. Green some valuable analysis: 'Never mind,' he said. 'You're just not a happy person.'

Rachel Aranda 格林當時格林的室友對他做了一番很有價值的分析。他說：“沒關係，你不笑只是因爲你不是一個快樂的人。”

'Something happened to me in that moment,' says Mr. Green, a 29-year-old Web analyst from Los Angeles. 'I realized I could continue blaming the world, as I had been, or I could try something different.'

29歲的格林來自洛杉磯，是一名網絡分析師，他說：“當時我悟到了些什麼。我意識到自己可以繼續像從前那樣怨天尤人，也可以嘗試做些改變。”

Is it possible to significantly alter your personality? Experts say you can -- but it isn't easy.

人的性格有沒有可能明顯改變？專家說可以——只是很難。

Several large research studies conducted over the past few years show that a person's personality naturally changes over the course of adulthood, in response to life events such as entering a committed relationship or advancing in a career.

過去幾年展開的幾項大型研究顯示，受生活事件影響（比如形成穩定的戀愛關係或者在職業生涯中取得進展），人的性格會在成年的過程中自然地發生變化。

From the ages of 20 to 65, people report increases in positive traits, such as conscientiousness, and decreases in negative traits, such as neuroticism. Most people tend to become more agreeable, more responsible, more emotionally stable -- in other words, their personalities improve. Psychologists call it the Maturity Principle.

圖表：隨年齡變化的性格特徵從20歲到65歲，責任性等正面性格特徵會增強，而神經質等負面性格特徵則會減弱。大多數人往往會變得更隨和，更有責任感，情緒也更穩定——換句話說就是，他們的性格會變好。心理學家將這種現象稱爲“成熟定律”(Maturity Principle)。

Researchers have also long known that friendly, outgoing, responsible people tend to be happier than shy, irresponsible, unsociable people. But in a new twist with lots of ramifications for therapists, researchers have learned that being happy to begin with may help change your personality.

研究人員很早以前就發現，友善、開朗、有責任感的人往往比害羞、沒有責任感和不愛交際的人更快樂。但一項新的研究顯示，保持快樂的心情也許有助於改變你的性格，這項新突破可能會對心理治療師產生諸多影響。

A study published online in January in the Journal of Personality analyzed personality and well-being data from more than 16,000 Australians who were surveyed repeatedly between 2005 and 2009. The researchers found people who were happy in 2005 tended to become more emotionally stable, more conscientious, more agreeable and -- perhaps most intriguingly -- more introverted over the next four years.

今年1月份刊登在《人格研究雜誌》(Journal of Personality)網絡版上的一項研究對逾16,000名澳大利亞人的性格和幸福感數據進行了分析，這些研究對象在2005年到2009年期間接受了多次調查。研究者發現，2005年感到快樂的人在接下來的四年裏情緒往往變得更穩定，更有責任感，更隨和，另外最有意思的一點也許是，他們還變得更加內斂。

When researchers talk about 'personality,' they mean a 'characteristic pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving that is consistent over time and across situations,' says Christopher Soto, a research psychologist and director of the Colby Personality Lab at Colby University in Waterville, Maine, who was the researcher on the happiness study. Personality is about 50% innate and 50% learned, he says.

五步改變你的性格專家們表示，改變性格與減肥很像。要想有所改變，就需要有意識地堅持一些行爲，讓它們最終形成習慣。這一過程可能痛苦而尷尬，但卻是心理成熟的必由之路。1. 弄清楚改變哪些性格特徵對你最有利。在你的職業生涯或個人生活中，是否存在一種衝突模式或負面反饋？2.嘗試領悟你在這種模式中所扮演的角色，從你自己的行爲着手。辨別在你看來給你造成最多麻煩的行爲，並努力改變這種行爲。3.從一點一滴做起。改變始於一個行爲，因此，先駕馭一項行爲，再嘗試改變另一項行爲。別指望能在一天、一週、一個月甚至一年之內徹底改變你的性格。4.持之以恆。回顧你的取得的進展，爲自己提供積極的心理強化。有一些退步是很正常的。如果出現一些小問題，不要過分糾結於此。繼續爲你的目標而努力就好。5. 在你的新行爲形成習慣之後，再找出一個新的、更重要的領域進行改進。緬因州沃特維爾(Waterville)科爾比學院(Colby College)心理學研究員、科爾比人格實驗室(Colby Personality Lab)負責人克里斯托弗·索托(Christopher Soto)參與了這項有關幸福感的研究，他表示，研究人員所說的“性格”是指“在不同時間和場合下始終保持一致的思維、感覺和行爲特徵模式”。他說，性格50%是天生的，50%取決於後天。

According to the Big Five personality model, developed by several sets of researchers starting in the 1940s, the human personality can be divided into five broad categories or domains -- openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness, neuroticism and extroversion (also spelled extraversion).

根據大五性格模型(Big Five personality model)，人的性格可劃分爲五大類別或範疇，分別是開放性、盡責性、親和性、神經質和外向性。該模型是幾批研究者從上世紀40年代開始建立起來的。

Within each category are specific traits and behaviors. Extroversion, for example, encompasses traits such as gregariousness and warmth. Neuroticism includes anger, anxiety and vulnerability.

每大類別中都包括一些特徵和特定行爲。比方說，外向性中包括合羣和熱情等特徵。神經質中則包括憤怒、焦慮和脆弱。

Some personality types are more successful than others, experts say. People who are more conscientious tend to do better in the workplace and school, Dr. Soto says. People who score high on agreeableness and low on neuroticism tend to have more satisfying and stable relationships. Extroverts do better in social and entrepreneurial occupations.

專家們稱，一些性格類型的人會比其他人更成功。索托博士說，比較盡責的人在職場和學校裏往往表現更出色。親和度高、情緒穩定的人往往擁有更滿意、更穩定的戀愛關係。外向型者則更擅長從事人際交往和創業方面的工作。

Good news/bad news: Even small changes in a person's personality can produce important effects on relationships, career, health and happiness, Dr. Soto says. But because personality characteristics are, by definition, relatively stable, change takes time.

索托博士說，人的性格哪怕只出現稍許變化，也會對感情、職業、健康和幸福產生重大影響。這個消息可謂是喜憂參半。但由於性格特徵從本質上來說是比較穩定的，改變起來會需要很長時間。

'You start by changing the behavior and then, if you can maintain that new behavior over time, it gets encoded,' Dr. Soto says. Work with a therapist and you could see lasting changes in a matter of months, he says. You can learn to manage your personality traits on your own, too. It just takes longer.

索托說：“你應該從改變行爲做起，接下來，如果你能長期保持這種新行爲，這種行爲就會被鎖定下來。”他說，如果能獲得心理治療師的指導，你可以在幾個月之內看到持續的變化。你也可以學着自己管理你的性格特徵，只是要花費比較長的時間。

Where do you start? 'First, we have to recognize which pieces of our personality affect us,' says Richard Levak, a Del Mar, Calif., psychologist. 'If I am a grouchy, argumentative, slightly suspicious type, and I am always getting fired because I get into arguments with co-workers and always blame others, then I have to realize that I have to change something.'

那麼，你應該從哪做起呢？加州德爾馬(Del Mar)的心理學家理查德·萊瓦克(Richard Levak)表示：“首先，我們必須認識到性格中有哪些因素對我們構成了影響。如果我愛發牢騷，好爭辯，還有點多疑，我總是因爲跟同事吵架，老是責怪別人而被解僱，那我就必須意識到得改變一下。”

Think about a bad habit like overeating, Dr. Levak says. To lose weight, you become aware of when and why you overeat. 'If you have a tendency to be defensive and want to fight, you tell yourself, 'OK, when my boss comes to talk to me and I immediately feel I am being judged and want to protect myself, I am overreacting,' ' Dr. Levak says. 'Calm yourself down and don't argue.'

萊瓦克說，這和糾正暴飲暴食這種壞習慣相似。要想減肥，你就得認識到自己什麼時候以及爲什麼會暴飲暴食。萊瓦克博士表示：“如果你有戒心過重和好鬥的傾向，你就要對自己說：‘好的，當我老闆過來跟我說話，而我立馬感覺老闆在挑我的刺，想要自我防衛的話，那我就是反應過激了。’讓自己冷靜下來，不要爭吵。”

Don't set expectations too high. Be patient. It takes a long time for an intentional behavior to become second nature, Dr. Soto says. Don't worry too much about other people's reactions because usually you are changing in a way that pleases them.

不要把期望值定得太高。耐心一些。索托博士說，要把一種有意爲之的行爲變成習慣，需要花費很長時間。不要太擔心其他人的反應，因爲你的變化通常是他們樂於見到的。

Warren Kennaugh, a behavioral strategist in Sydney, Australia, who helps individuals and teams develop successful behaviors, says it's important to start small. Identify a first step and then practice it, without worrying about the initial results. 'It's like learning to kick a football,' he says. 'You focus on the steps, not whether it goes in the goal.'

澳大利亞悉尼的行爲策略師沃倫·肯諾(Warren Kennaugh)幫助個人和團隊培養有助成功的行爲，他說，從小處做起非常重要。確定你第一步要做什麼，然後進行練習，不要擔心最初的結果。他說：“這就像學踢足球一樣。你關注的是腳法，而不是能否射門。”

He says you should let the people close to you know what you're doing. 'Not only can they be supportive,' he says, 'but a change for you can also mean a change for them -- one they may not want or be ready for, if they aren't told prior.'

肯諾說，應該讓身邊的人知道你在做什麼。他表示：“他們不僅能爲你提供支持，而且你的改變也意味着他們的改變——如果你不事先告訴他們的話，他們也許不想要或者沒有準備好接受這些變化。”

Brandon Green says he had to agree with his roommate's assessment of his personality. For as long as he could remember, he says, he had felt negative, frustrated and 'drawn inward.' Often he struggled with feelings of jealousy and anger, and he avoided romantic relationships to protect himself from these feelings. An introvert, he wasn't comfortable in social situations.

格林說，他不得不承認室友對他性格的評價是正確的。他說，自打記事以來，他一直都有種消極感和挫敗感，“孤僻內向”。他經常掙扎在嫉妒和憤怒感中，爲保護自己免受這些感覺困擾，他會刻意迴避戀愛關係。作爲一個內向的人，他在社交場合也會感到不舒服。

He started with therapy. He went to cognitive behavioral therapy twice a week, then once a week, for about 18 months. He read self-help books and wrote in a journal -- sometimes up to 1 1/2 hours a night -- recording and analyzing his perceptions. He took up photography, which got him out and talking to people. And he blogged about his efforts with the goal of helping others.

於是格林開始接受心理治療。他總共進行了18個月左右的認知行爲療法，剛開始是一週兩次，然後一週一次。他閱讀心理自助書籍，並在日記中記錄和分析他的感想（有時候他一晚上會花一個半小時寫日記）。他開始攝影，這項愛好能讓他走出去跟人聊天。他還通過博客記錄他所做的努力，以期幫助別人。

Most helpful, Mr. Green says, was learning to question his negative view of the world. He learned to do this in the moment -- when someone cut him off in traffic, for example -- and at calm moments when he could reflect on things that caused him stress. 'If you are more negative, you have a feeling that bad stuff can happen at every turn,' he says. 'You have to question if that is just coming from you because you are living through a sour lens.'

格林說，對他幫助最大的是學習去質疑自己消極的世界觀。無論是在某些特定時刻（比如開車時有人擋了他的道）還是在冷靜的時候（當他可以反思給他帶來壓力的事情時），他都會試着自我質疑。他說：“如果你比較消極，感覺壞事隨時隨地都會發生，你就得自問這些是否都是源自你自己，因爲你是帶着一種消極的心態在生活。”

Mr. Green sees a big change in himself. He is still introverted, he says, but more comfortable interacting with others, sharing information about himself and making friends.

格林在自己身上看到了很大的變化。他說，他依然內向，但已經可以比較輕鬆地與人交流，分享與自己相關的信息和結交朋友了。

'Being introspective and attempting to be honest with myself and others has helped me greatly in becoming a happier, more outgoing person,' he says.

他說：“學會內省，努力以誠待人待己，這些對我幫助很大，讓我逐漸變成一個更快樂，更開朗的人。”