男人喜歡謊報身高,你中槍了嗎大綱

A few years ago I was having a drink with friends, including one who was dating a guy she had met online. Eventually she took me aside and asked me a question.

幾年前，我與幾個朋友相聚小酌。其中一個朋友當時正在與一個網上認識的男人約會。後來她把我叫到一旁，問了我一個問題。

'How tall are you?' she said.

她說：你多高？

'I am exactly 6-feet tall,' I replied.

我回答說：正好六英尺（合1.83米）。

'How tall would you say my boyfriend is?'

她問：你覺得我男朋友有多高？

I eyeballed the man standing a few feet away. '5-8. Maybe 5-9,' I replied.

我仔細打量了一下站在幾英尺外的那個男人，回答說：五英尺八英寸，要不就五英尺九英寸。

She frowned. 'He says that he's 6-feet tall.'

她皺了皺眉說：他說他六英尺。

'Did he also tell you that he has hair?'

我問道：他有沒有說是包括頭髮的高度？

All my life I have been dealing with guys who lie about their height. Deep down inside, every man wants to be 6-feet tall, even though the national average is 5-10. For men, it is like being a millionaire; it is a club to which a man simply must belong. Lying about one's height, even when there is no chance of getting away with it, is a male thing. Like most male things, it is stupid.

我一輩子都在與謊報身高的男人打交道。內心深處，每個男人都希望自己有六英尺，儘管全美成年男性的平均身高是五英尺10英寸。對男人來說，這就像是必須成爲百萬富翁；這是一個男人們必須成爲其中一員的俱樂部。在身高問題上說謊，即使是不攻自破的謊言，這也是關乎男人尊嚴的問題。和很多關乎男人尊嚴的問題一樣，謊報身高很愚蠢。

When I was a little kid, the only thing I wanted was to be 6-feet tall. I was convinced that if I was six feet tall, people would leave me alone. I reached that height in my late teens and abruptly, as if on cue, the thugs, punks and bullies who had terrorized me all through high school called off the dogs. Forever. Thugs, punks and bullies always take the path of least resistance, preying on the weak, the elderly, the distaff and the short. They particularly like thin, female octogenarian dwarfs. Preferably blind.

我小時候最大的願望就是長到六英尺。那時我相信，如果我有六英尺，別人就不會欺負我。我不到20歲時真的長到了六英尺，突然之間，就像是安排好的，那些在整個高中時期恐嚇我的流氓、混混和霸王一下子都不再找我的茬了。永遠也沒再找茬。流氓、混混和小霸王都喜歡撿軟柿子捏，欺負那些體弱、年邁、女孩和個子矮的人。他們尤其喜歡欺負瘦小的老太太，最好還是雙目失明的。

One cautionary word about height: It's important not to get greedy. Be satisfied to stand 6-feet tall, rather that 6-3 or 6-4. I have it on solid authority from close, taller friends that if you are unusually tall, somebody with a Napoleonic complex will eventually take a swing at you. Just to prove something. But if you are 6-feet tall, they will leave you alone.

在身高問題上我要提醒一句：很重要的一點是別太貪心。六英尺就好，不用非得六英尺三英寸或六英尺四英寸。我在這個問題上很有發言權，因爲和我關係密切的大個子朋友曾有過這樣的遭遇，如果你非常高，那些有“拿破崙情結”的人會在言語上攻擊你，只是爲了證明一些東西。但如果你身高六英尺，他們就不會找你的茬。

Men know this. They know that being 6-feet tall puts you in the company of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, men who were always left alone. So they lie about their height. The problem is, in order for them to lie about their height in a convincing fashion they must induce you to lie about your height as well.

男人們清楚這一點。他們知道身高六英尺可以讓你跟約翰・韋恩(John Wayne)和克林特・伊斯特伍德(Clint Eastwood)一樣沒人敢找茬。所以，他們喜歡謊報身高。問題是，他們爲了以一種令人信服的方式謊報身高，必須誘使你也謊報你的身高。

'You must go about six-two, six-three, right?' men 3 inches shorter than me like to say.

那些比我矮三英寸的男人喜歡說：你肯定有六英尺兩英寸，要不就是六英尺三英寸，是不是？

'No, I am exactly 6-feet tall,' I reply.

我回答說：不，我六英尺整。

'No, I think you must be taller than that,' they insist.

他們會堅持說：不，我想你肯定不止六英尺。

'I'm 6-feet tall and I am exactly 6-feet tall,' I respond. 'I can go get a tape measure if you like.'

我回答說：我六英尺，整六英尺；如果你願意，我可以去拿尺子量量。

There are all sorts of things you can lie about with impunity. You can lie about your income or your military service or having seen Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. Assertions like this are too hard to verify, much less disprove, so you can usually get away with even the most bold-faced lies.

你可以在很多事情上說謊而不必擔心受到懲罰。你可以謊報收入或兵役或曾在伍德斯托克看見過吉米・亨德里克斯(Jimi Hendrix)。像這樣的話很難去核實，更不用說去證明是假的，所以，即使是最厚顏無恥的謊言通常也不會被揭穿。

No one is going to check to see if you really went to the Sorbonne or lost in the final rounds of a Quebec spelling bee because you misspelled 'cauchemardesque.'

沒人會去核實你是否真的上過索邦大學(Sorbonne)，或是因拼錯了“cauchemardesque”（法語，意爲“噩夢似的”）一詞而在魁北克拼字比賽的最後一輪中落敗。

No one is going to check to see if you once decked the editor of Details with a single punch. Nor is anyone likely to check if you say that you once worked as an intern for Mike Huckabee or grew up in the same neighborhood as Trent Reznor.

沒人會去核實你是否曾將Details雜誌的主編一拳打倒在地。也沒有人會去核實你是否曾給邁克・赫克比(Mike Huckabee)做實習生，或是小時候與特倫特・雷澤諾(Trent Reznor)住在同一個社區。

But you can't lie about your height. Height is scientifically verifiable. Those of us who are authentically, certifiably 6-feet tall will call you out on it. We are not letting you into our club. It's nothing personal. It's just the way things are.

但你不能在身高問題上說謊。身高是可以用科學的方法驗證的。我們這些身高確確實實、且有憑有據爲六英尺的人會揭穿你們。我們不會讓你們進入我們的俱樂部。這絲毫不帶個人感情成分。事情本來就是這樣。

A while back, during a medical exam, the physician assistant told me that I was 6-foot-1. This was impossible. It would mean that I had grown an inch since my 50th birthday. Things like that do not happen on this planet.

前不久，在一次體檢中，醫生助手對我說，我身高六英尺一英寸。這是不可能的。這將意味着我50歲生日之後又長了一英寸。天底下絕不會發生這樣的事。

Worse, it would mean that all the 5-foot-11 men I had accused of lying about their height had been telling the truth. So I would have to apologize to them.

更糟糕的是，這將意味着那些我指責其謊報身高的五英尺11英寸的人說的都是實話。所以，我將不得不向他們道歉。

'How tall are you?' I asked the man.

我問這名助手：你多高？

'Six feet,' he replied, drawing himself up to his full 70 inches.

他努力將他自己五英尺10英寸身子挺直，回答說：六英尺。

'In your dreams,' I muttered under my breath. 'In your dreams.'

我低聲咕噥道：做夢去吧，做夢去吧。