道德教育的從事者是父母或學校英語學習

編者按：英語寫作基本功不是很紮實，沒有中心句，後面太長的話來描述父母如何影響孩子，不但沒有解釋還沒有舉例，父母或學校話題是英語寫作的毛病。

1. 可以看出你雅思寫法的基礎不是很好，應該還沒有接受過專業性的訓練。還不知道雅思寫作的側重點和套路。第一段是introduction， 第一句需要些背景(background)顯然這個題目是關於道德教育(moral education)所以顯而易見，背景句是關於學校父母誰更應該從事道德教育的討論，而不是像你那樣一開始就寫學校應該幹什麼。

修改後：

In terms of the issue that which of schooling and parenting should undertake the responsibility of moral education more. As a vital place for academic education, school is naturally considered to teach basic principles. Nevertheless, others deem this should be done by parents. Personally, I bias towards parenting.

1. 你的主體段(main body)的第一句話是你整段的中心句，這也是我之前強調很多次的，記住中心句的幾個特點：陳述句、一句話、概括性。我參照你原文的意思寫的中心句(top sentence)：Empirically, schools are only responsible for helping students achieve acadmic goals rather than considering interpersonal skills.

2. 不要在除了introduction和conclusion的段落裏出現太多的第一人稱和第二人稱。

3. 套句過多，用句簡單。

4. 一般在寫完中心句後，需要解釋加舉例，或者兩個小觀點來佐證你的中心句，這樣才能邏輯清晰完整。你看看你的原文，一直在bb學校該怎樣，根本沒有寫出學校不能提供道德教育的理由，或者說，你只寫了一個理由：學校應該只教理論知識。我的範文裏爲你提供了兩個理由：

1) 人們需要從學校學習專業知識來回報社會

2) 每個學生的背景經歷不同不同，學校很難從事道德教育。

修改後：

Empirically, schools are only responsible for helping students achieve academic goals rather than considering interpersonal skills. That is to say, schools need shoulder the task of knowledge instruction solely, which cultivates students and makes them be the one who has professional skills to devote to society. In addition, the diversity of students and different backgrounds bring about difficulties to schooling to provide moral education, implying that much attention is needed extra other than normal instruction for teachers, this may cause teachers work under high pressure and decline the efficiency of daily teaching.

作者| Lynn

公衆號： 雅思寫作王

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