嘗試開闢新溝通方式: 給家人寫年終評估報告大綱

My husband has a stack of year-end reviews on his desk-reviews from his bosses, reviews by his peers, reviews of his staff. And then there's one from me. What started as a joke between us 10 years ago-over piles of socks left on the floor-has become a yearly tradition: our year-end review as a couple.

老公桌子上有一大摞年終評估報告，有來自老闆的，同級的，還有下屬的。然後還有一份來自我的。10年前我們圍繞地板上一大堆襪子開的玩笑，已成爲一項年復一年的傳統：我們作爲夫妻的年終評估。

Performance reviews, for better or worse, have long been a staple of corporate America. Outside the office, I've found that they can also open up a whole new way of communicating with family and close friends. And they're a handy way to air minor grievances.

不管是好是壞，績效評估長期以來都是美國企業界的一項重要活動。而在辦公室外，我發現這些評估也可以爲家人、好友之間的溝通開闢一條全新的通道，並且是傳遞小牢騷的好辦法。

Several couples I know have their own version of a yearly performance review. One refers to it as the 'State of Our Union.' Another takes a more serious approach to what they call their annual 'Board of Directors Meeting,' complete with a formal agenda in four sections: personal, professional, philanthropic and spiritual. A couple with adult children makes their review a full-family affair, with a psychologist on hand in case the conversation gets heated. In explaining why he conducts reviews at home, a friend said, 'Sometimes I think we're more honest with people at work than we are with our own family.'

我認識的幾對夫妻都有各自的年度績效評估。有一對將之稱爲“我們的國情諮文”。另一對則是更嚴肅地對待他們所說的“董事局會議”，由四部分正式議程組成：私人事務、專業事務、慈善事務和精神事務。一對子女已經成年的夫婦將評估看作一項涉及全家的事務，還配備了一名心理學家，以防大家在討論過程中動了肝火。一位朋友在解釋爲什麼在家裏搞評估活動時說：“有時候我覺得我們在同事面前比在自己家人前面更加坦誠。”

For our own review, my husband and I talk over dinner about our 'accomplishments' over the past year as a couple, the 'areas for improvement,' the 'goals' we want to set for the year ahead and the 'next steps' we are going to take to get there. Comments run the gamut from petty complaints, like laundry on the floor, to important goals, like setting time alone as a couple. These reviews force us to focus and reflect on the big picture, to give priority to what's really important to us in our very busy lives.

在我們自己的評估中，丈夫和我會在吃晚飯期間談到過去一年作爲夫妻所取得的“成就”、“待改進之處”、希望爲來年制定的“目標”，以及爲實現目標將要採取哪些“新步驟”。我們無話不談，既說到地板上的髒衣服之類的瑣事，也說到留出夫妻獨處時間之類的重要目標。這些評估迫使我們關注及反思大局，並把繁忙生活中真正重要的事情放在頭等位置。

Our review generally takes place close to New Year's Eve, making it a handy New Year's resolution list, albeit one written by another person. The tone of ours tends to be tongue-in-cheek. For more serious reviewers, a friend suggests adopting what's called the 'hamburger technique.' Structure your review as if it were a hamburger: soft bun to start (ease in with compliments), solid meat (the big criticism), lettuce (room to grow), then finish with another soft bun (more closing compliments).

我們的評估一般在快到元旦前夜的時候進行，順便把它當作一個新年計劃列表，只不過是由對方來寫的。我們通常都用一種假正經的調子來寫。對於更加認真的人，一位朋友建議採用所謂的“漢堡包技巧”，也就是把評估報告寫成漢堡包的結構：先是柔軟的麪包（和風細雨地講些恭維話）、實在的肉塊（重要批評）、生菜（轉圜餘地），然後用另一片柔軟的麪包（更多恭維話）收尾。

Our annual review has even grown to include family and close friends. Everyone who has heard about it seems interested in giving it a try, perhaps because there aren't very many socially acceptable ways to tell friends about the little things that bother you. That's where the review comes in handy.

我們的年度評估甚至還慢慢地包括了家人和好友。所有聽說過的人似乎都有興趣試一試。這可能是因爲向朋友說些瑣事而又能被人接受的方式並不是非常多。評估的用處就在這裏。

When a couple close to us heard about our couple's review ritual, they requested to be reviewed on the spot-and then turned around and reviewed us too. Apparently, I'm not so good at keeping my calendar and have canceled on them more times than I should have. They suggested that I turn the scheduling over to my husband, who now books our monthly get-togethers. On the rare occasion that we have to postpone a dinner now, they jokingly-or not so jokingly-say, 'Don't think this won't come up in your review.'

一對與我們關係不錯的夫婦聽說我們的評估儀式之後，當即要求我們給他們寫評估報告，然後又反過來給我們寫。看來我並不擅長遵守日程安排，放他們鴿子的次數太多。他們建議我把制定日程的任務交給老公，現在我們的月度聚會就是由他來預定的。有時候我們不得不暫時把晚宴延後，他們就會半開玩笑半認真地說：“別以爲這件事不會出現在對你們的評估裏面。”

A friend I've known for 20 years was habitually late-really late-to our dinners. Over dinner a couple of years ago, I told her I was giving our friendship a year-end review. She laughed and I started, 'You have always been there for me, and I trust you completely as a friend. I also trust that you're going to be at least a half-hour late every time we meet.' She nodded, smiled and took the comments in the spirit they were given. And she's never been late again.

一位我認識了20年的朋友在參加我們晚宴時又一次習慣性遲到，而且是非常遲。在幾年前的晚宴上，我跟她說我要對我們的友誼做一次年終評估。她笑了，然後我開始做評估了：“你對我來說一直是有求必應，我也完全相信你這個朋友。我同樣相信的是，每次見面你至少要遲到半個小時。”她點頭微笑，領會了這些話的意識。後來她再也沒有遲到過。

Not everyone is as open to being reviewed. My advice: Know your audience and your boundaries. Drinks with a friend turned into an impromptu, year-end intervention for one woman I know. After a positive start, the 'reviewer' launched into a critique of the friend's boyfriend, citing unsolicited 'areas for improvement,' and encouraged her friend to end the relationship. The friendship never recovered. Some feedback is better left unsaid.

也不是每個人都樂於接受評估。我的建議是，瞭解說話對象，把握好尺度。我認識的一位女性跟一位朋友喝酒聊天，結果年終評估變成了一時興起的指手劃腳。“評估者”以正面的談話開始，然後又對這位朋友的男友作了一番批評，自作主張地說起“待改進之處”，並鼓勵她的朋友結束與男友的關係。她們的友誼再也沒有恢復。有些反饋還是不說爲妙。

In a controversial move, my husband took the initiative last year to write up a review of my mother. That's right, a review of his mother-in-law. He handed her an envelope on Christmas morning with the words 'Year-End Review' plastered in bold across the front. Pale-faced, she opened it-and then started to smile as she read her glowing reviews as a mother and grandmother. Scanning to the bottom, she found an area for improvement: Meatball production down from peak in 2010.

去年我丈夫主動給我母親寫起評估報告來，一時引起大家的爭議。沒錯，是對他丈母孃的評估。他在 誕節的早晨遞給她一個信封，信封正面用粗體塗上“年終評估”幾個字。臉色蒼白的母親打開了信封，讀到對其母親、外婆角色的溢美之辭時開始微笑起來。掃到底部的時候，她看到了一個待改進之處：肉丸子產量低於2010年時的峯值了。

The review worked. We now always have a freezer full of meatballs.

這份評估報告見效了。我們現在總是有滿冰箱的肉丸。