時尚雙語:真正的自我 記一個破碎的夢想

My dream ended when I was born. Although I never knew it then, I just held on to something that would never come to pass. Dreams really do exist. But in the morning when you wake up, they are remembered just as a dream. That is what happened to me.

I always have the dream to dance like a beautiful ballerina twirling around and around and hearing people applaud for me.

When I was young, I would twirling around and around in the fields of wildflowers that grew in my backyard. For hours I would dance as if people were watching me. I would dance so fast that I would forget where I was, until I would hear sounds that reminded me of where I really was. I thought that if I twirled faster everything would disappear and I would wake up in a new place. Reality woke me up when I heard a voice saying, "I don't know why you bother trying to dance. Ballerinas are pretty, slender little girls. Besides, you don't have the talent to even be a ballerina." I remember how those words paralyzed every feeling in my body. I feel to the ground and wept for hours.

We lived in the country by a nearby lake and I would sometimes go there to hide. My parents were never home anyway and I did not like to be at home where I could hear the walls talking of pain. When they were home, my mother just yelled and criticized because nothing was ever perfect in her life. She dreamed of a different life but ended up living in a country far away from the city where she believed her dreams would have come true.

I enjoyed hanging out by the water. I would sit there for hours and stare at my reflection. There I was, looked nothing like a pretty ballerina dancer. Reflections don't lie. Once the waves would come, my reflection was gone. Washed away just like my dream to dance. I sat there staring at the water, hoping that my reflection would reappear and be different.

As I grew older, I began to realize that the reason my dream was even born in the first place, was because it was something that was inside of me. The dream I had was never nurtured and cared for, so it slowly died. It's not that I wanted it to die, but I allowed it to die the day I started listening to the words, "You can't do it." When I finally woke up from many years of dreaming, I realized that you can't settle for dancing in the wildflowers, you have to move on to the platform. I still go to the lake sometimes and sit there. Looking at my reflection is different now too. When I was young, I looked at how others saw me, now that I am older and wiser; I look at how God sees me .

從出生那天起，我的夢想就註定了只能是一個夢想。 但是那時，我卻從來沒有意識到這一點，我只是一廂情願地去抓住那些易逝的美好時光，努力珍惜眼前的點點滴滴。而夢，無論多麼真切，當你在清晨睜開雙眼的剎那，都仍只是夢。

我時常夢想着能像最優美的芭蕾舞演員般在觀衆熱烈真誠的掌聲中翩然而舞。

在我小的時候，我家後院裏有一大片不知名的花叢，我常常在花叢中一圈又一圈的飛速旋轉，越轉越快，快得我彷彿感覺到四周有許多觀衆在注視着我；越轉越快，快得我忘了置身何處，彷彿整個世界都隨我轉動了起來。直到，一聲輕響將我拉回現實。我時常幻想着，如果我能轉得更快一些，整個世界會不會隨之消失，而我也將在另一個地方醒來呢？

可是現實總會一次次無情的將我喚醒。“我不明白你爲什麼要自尋煩惱的去嘗試跳舞。芭蕾舞演員都是些漂亮、苗條的年輕女孩，你根本沒有成爲芭蕾舞演員的天賦啊。”直到今天，我仍清楚地記得當我聽到這些話時，那種刻骨銘心的麻木和無力。置身於冰冷的絕望之中，淚水肆意的洶涌着。

那時，我們住在一個沿湖的村子裏，有時我會一個人走到湖邊，彷彿在那裏可以逃避現實的無情。不管怎麼說，反正父母也經常不在家，而我也不願在家裏被痛苦和憂傷籠罩。即使他們在家的時候，母親也只是不停的抱怨和指責，她總覺得她的生命充滿不幸和煩惱。她夢想有一個不同的生活，可惜這個夢想卻只能在遠離城市的鄉村中破碎得無影無蹤，而城市纔是她堅信可以讓她實現夢想的所在。

我喜歡沿着湖水散步，在湖邊一坐就是幾個小時，長久地凝視着自己的倒影。那就是我，沒有任何地方像一個美麗的芭蕾舞者。倒影是不會撒謊的。波浪捲來，倒影碎裂，一如我的芭蕾之夢。我沒有起身，我仍坐在那裏凝視着湖水，盼着倒影再次出現，煥然一新。

夢想，從誕生起那一刻就對我有着非凡的意義。當我漸漸長大，我開始意識到這是因爲那是深深印刻在我體內的靈魂烙印。但是，我從來沒有好好的去滋養過她，照料過她，所以，她慢慢枯萎了。我並不希望她枯萎，但當那一天我聽到“你無法做到”的時候，她已經在我的懦弱下枯萎了。直到成年後，當我從漫長的夢中醒來時，我才認識到，你不能僅僅甘心於在無人的野花從中舞蹈，你必須走向舞臺，唯此，你纔可能實現你的夢。現在，我仍會時不時獨自去那片湖邊靜靜坐上片刻，而我的倒影也已經有所不同了。當我年少時，我在乎的是他人眼中的自己；現在，我長大了，多了對人生的體悟，更加從容淡定了，我在乎的是內心真正的自我。