美國晚間脫口秀一週笑話精選

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien
　　比爾·克林頓讓兩位記者被釋放了，這是很好的消息。然後，克林頓對人質們說，“我也很瞭解被一個邪惡的帶着女士太陽鏡的暴君抓住的感覺，我瞭解你們的痛苦。”——柯南·奧布萊恩

"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien
　　兩位在朝鮮被抓的女記者們說，她們走進一個房間看見比爾·克林頓的時候非常驚訝。這是她們說的，然後還說她們看見他只披了條毛巾啥也沒穿更驚訝。——柯南·奧布萊恩

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is. I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel
　　我想對奧巴馬說生日快樂。總統今年48了，如果他真出生過的話。據我猜測這都的看你相不相信他的出生證明瞭。——吉米·卡莫

"Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel
　　奧巴馬的生日正是提醒了我們爲什麼醫療保險很重要。你們大家可能知道，就是因爲沒有醫療保險，奧巴馬的媽媽纔不得不從好多家醫院輾轉最後把他生在了馬槽裏。——吉米·卡莫

"I will show you President Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma." --Bill Maher
　　你們給我看莎拉·佩林的高中畢業證我就給你們看奧巴馬總統的出生證明。——比爾·馬赫

"Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or as Lou Dobbs reported it, yet another job gone south of the border." –Conan O'Brien
　　索尼婭·索托馬約爾被批准成爲最高法院第一位西班牙語裔的大法官。或者像Lou Dobbs報道的那樣，另一份工作給了國境之南。——柯南·奧布萊恩

"President Obama said that Congress probably won't vote on his healthcare bill until October. What's the hurry? It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there." --Jimmy Fallon
　　奧巴馬總統說國會可能直到十月纔會給他的醫療保險預算投票。急什麼呢？又不像有什麼瘋狂的流感在傳染。——吉米·法倫

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien
　　五角大樓擔心facebook會對美國的軍隊成員帶來安全隱患。是啊，因爲很明顯，要是塔利班知道一個士兵最愛的五部浪漫喜劇電影是什麼，誰也不知道他們會做出什麼事情。——柯南·奧布萊恩

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien
　　奧巴馬總統、蓋茨教授和警官克勞力舉行了他們的啤酒峯會。最讓人驚訝的是副總統拜登也參加了，是啊，這讓人驚訝。當晚最精彩的是克勞力警官對拜登說，“你有權保持沉默。”——柯南·奧布萊恩

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd are denying rumors that they're getting a divorce. When asked about it, Palin said, 'When have you ever known me to not see something through?'" --Conan O'Brien
　　前阿拉斯加州長莎拉·佩林和她的丈夫託德否認了離婚傳聞。當被問道這件事的時候，佩林說，“你們什麼時候看見我沒有在最艱難的時候堅持到底了？”——柯南·奧布萊恩