《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 104 (251):我們的未來在哪裏

I'm not sure what I want. I do know that there's a part of me which has always wanted to hear a man say, "Let me take care of you forever," and I have never heard it spoken before. Over the last few years, I'd given up looking for that person, learned how to say this heartening sentence to myself, especially in times of fear. But to hear it from someone else now, from someone who is speaking sincerely . . .

I was thinking about all this last night after Felipe fell asleep, and I was curled up beside him, wondering what would become of us. What are the possible futures? What about the geography question between us—where would we live? Then there's the age difference to consider. Though, when I called my mother the other day to tell her I'd met a really nice man, but—brace yourself, Mom!—"he's fifty-two years old," she was completely non-flummoxed. All she said was, "Well, I've got news for you, Liz. You're thirty-five." (Excellent point, Ma. I'm lucky to get anyone at such a withered age.) Truthfully, though, I don't really mind the age dif-ference, either. I actually like that Felipe is so much older. I think it's sexy. Makes me feel kind of . . . French.

What will happen with us?

Why am I worrying about this, by the way?

What have I not yet learned about the futility of worry?

So after a while, I stopped thinking about all this and just held him while he slept. I am falling in love with this man. Then I fell asleep beside him and had two memorable dreams. Both were about my Guru. In the first dream, my Guru informed me that she was closing down her Ashrams and that she would no longer be speaking, teaching or publishing books. She gave her students one final speech, in which she said, "You've had more than enough teachings. You have been given everything you need to know in order to be free. It's time for you to go out in the world and live a happy life."

The second dream was even more confirming. I was eating in a terrific restaurant in New York City with Felipe. We were having a wonderful meal of lamb chops and artichokes and fine wine and we were talking and laughing happily. I looked across the room and saw Swamiji, my Guru's master, deceased since 1982. But he was alive that night, right there in a snazzy New York restaurant. He was eating dinner with a group of his friends and they also seemed to be having a merry time of it. Our eyes met across the room and Swamiji smiled at me and raised his wineglass in a toast.

And then—quite distinctly—this small Indian Guru who had spoken precious little English during his lifetime mouthed this one word to me across the distance: Enjoy. Eat, Pray, Love

我不確知自己想要什麼。但我知道有一部分的自己始終希望聽見男人說："讓我照顧你一輩子。"從前我未曾聽過這句話。過去幾年來，我已放棄尋找這個人，而學會對我自己說這句鼓舞的話，尤其在恐懼的時刻。可是現在聽見有人誠心誠意對我說這句話……

昨晚在斐利貝睡着後，我思索着這一切，我蜷曲在他身旁，心想我們往後會怎麼樣。我們的未來有哪些可能？我們的地理差距問題——我們要住在哪裏？還有年齡差距也必須考慮。儘管某天我打電話給母親，告訴她說我遇上一位好男人，只不過——媽，鎮定點喔！——"他五十二歲"，但她毫不困惑，只說："小莉，我也有消息告訴你。你三十五歲。"（說得好，媽。在這種人老珠黃的年紀還有人要，真是我的幸運。）儘管我其實也不介意年齡差距。事實上，我喜歡斐利貝比我年長許多。我認爲這很性感。這讓我覺得有點……法式的感覺。

我們會發生什麼？

而我爲何對此擔心？

我難道還沒明白擔心無濟於事嗎？

因此過了一會兒，我不再思索這一切，只是抱住熟睡的他。我愛上這個男人了。而後我在他身旁睡着，做了兩個難忘的夢。兩者都是關於我的導師。在第一個夢中，我的導師告知我，她即將關閉道場，不再講道、教學，或出版書籍。她在最後一次向學員講道時，在講詞中說："你們已經學夠了東西。你們已學會讓自己自由的一切方式。現在走到世界上去，過快樂的生活吧。"

第二個夢甚至更堅定。我和斐利貝正在紐約市一家好餐廳用餐。我們享用着羊排、洋薊、美酒，愉快地說說笑笑。而我朝房間的另一頭看去，看見導師的名師、1928年過世的思瓦米吉。然而當晚他活在世上，就在紐約的一家時髦餐廳裏。他和一羣朋友在吃晚飯，他們似乎也很愉快。我們的眼神隔着房間相接在一起，思瓦米吉對我微笑，舉杯向我敬酒。

而後——相當清楚地——這位生前幾乎不會說英語的矮小印度導師，從遠處以口形對我默示：享受吧！