戀愛中如何摸清社交媒體的界線

As a sex therapist, I never imagined I’d spend so much time talking about Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat.

作爲一名性治療師，我從未料到自己會花這麼多時間談論Instagram、Facebook、Twitter和Snapchat。

But a number of my sessions are filled with stories about the ways that social media interferes with my clients’ relationships: things like snooping in a Facebook account, and then agonizing over what to do with suspicious, but not completely incriminating, activity; or ending a new and promising relationship because the person followed their exes on Instagram.

但在我的治療中，時常會聽到的一種故事是社交媒體如何影響客戶與伴侶之間的關係：做刺探對方的Facebook之類的事情，然後困擾於該如何面對這些雖可疑但不足以表明對方有問題的行爲；或者結束一段大有希望的新關係，只因爲對方在Instagram上關注了前男友、前女友。

Jordan Gray, a sex and dating coach, sees these kinds of challenges in his work too.

性及約會教練喬登·格雷(Jordan Gray)在工作中也遭遇了這類挑戰。

“It’s so tricky because it is completely uncharted territory,” he said. “Social media accounts have never had this level of market saturation at any other point in human history. That’s inevitably going to bring up some new challenges for people.”

“問題很棘手，因爲涉及的是完全未知的領域，”他說。“社交媒體賬號如此高度普及，是人類歷史上從未有過的。這不可避免地會給人帶來一些新挑戰。”

In a 2014 Pew Research Center survey, 45 percent of millennial respondents said their social media accounts had had a “major impact” on their relationships.

皮尤研究中心(Pew Research Center)2014年的一項調查顯示，45%的千禧一代受訪者稱，社交媒體賬號對他們與伴侶的關係有“重大影響”。

Most of us are uncomfortable talking about these types of interactions because we worry that social media is too frivolous to argue over, but it is important to recognize that social media brings up real feelings, and those feelings do matter.

我們大多數人談論這類互動時會不太自在，因爲我們擔心社交媒體太瑣碎膚淺，不值得探討。但社交媒體呈現出了真實的情感，而這些情感絕非無關緊要，認識到這一點是很重要的。

Still, navigating social media boundaries doesn’t have to be the colossal struggle we sometimes turn it into.

不過，摸清社交媒體的界線，並沒有我們有時想的那麼困難。

Prioritize Quality Time Without Social Media

重視沒有社交媒體的寶貴時光

The most common social media-related fight I hear from clients is how much time their partners spend on Facebook or Instagram. I hear story after story of couples planning a romantic date night that turns into nothing but chatter about Instagram likes, Twitter favorites and Snapchat views.

我從客戶處聽到的與社交媒體有關的最普遍問題，是他們的伴侶把太多時間花在Facebook或Instagram上。我一次又一次地聽說這樣的事情：一對伴侶原計劃晚上來一場浪漫的約會，結果除了聊Instagram的“贊”、Twitter的“喜歡”以及Snapchat的點閱量，什麼也沒幹。

The behavior even extends into the bedroom: Clients have told me stories of discreet mid-coitus phone check-ins.

這種情況甚至會延伸到臥室內：有客戶跟我講過性事進行到一半偷偷拿起手機簽到的故事。

“A cigarette and embrace after sex has quickly been replaced with a scroll through social media,” said Gillian McCallum, chief executive of Drawing Down the Moon Matchmaking, a British dating website. “Men and women are guilty of reaching for their phone and basking in the glow of their screen rather than the afterglow of lovemaking.”

“做愛之後的抽菸和擁抱很快被瀏覽社交媒體所取代，”英國交友網站Drawing Down the Moon Matchmaking的首席執行官希莉安·麥卡勒姆(Gillian McCallum)說。“男男女女都會在事後伸手去拿手機，沉浸在手機屏幕的光芒而非做愛後的餘韻中。”

You should always make your partner feel more important to you than your phone, so dedicate at least 20 minutes a day to spending screen-free time together. (Scrolling through Facebook while watching television won’t cut it.)

你應該永遠讓伴侶覺得他/她比你的手機重要，所以每天至少要花20分鐘時間在一起度過不使用電子設備的時光（一邊看電視一邊瀏覽Facebook不算）。

Of course, more social media-free time is better, if you can swing it. You may like having all your meals be phone-free (or at least having those phones on silent or in airplane mode). Or try turning off notifications when you’re together.

當然，如果有更多不使用社交媒體的時光更好——如果你能轉變的話。你可能喜歡在所有的進餐時間不使用手機（或者至少把手機調成靜音或飛行模式）。或者，你們在一起時，關掉提醒。

Check In Before You Post

發佈之前確認一下

Always prioritize your living, breathing, human partner. This is especially important when it comes to sharing details, photos of the two of you or details of your lives or dates together. Often in relationships, one person is more private than the other, a difference that can lead to fights.

永遠把你活生生的、會呼吸的人類伴侶放在優先位置。尤其是在分享細節、你們倆的照片或者你們生活和約會的細節時。在戀愛關係中，通常有一方會比另一方更注重隱私，這種差異可能會導致爭吵。

Laurie Davis Edwards, founder of the dating site eFlirt, said that honest conversations about your social-media boundaries early on in a relationship can prevent surprises later. Ask your partner what he does and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing on social media. This is especially important around major milestones, like when you become “official,” when you get engaged, when you get pregnant and so on.

約會網站eFlirt的創始人勞麗·戴維斯·愛德華茲(Laurie Davis Edwards)表示，在戀愛之初就坦誠討論彼此關於社交媒體的底線，可以避免之後出現意外。詢問你的伴侶喜歡以及不喜歡在社交媒體上分享哪些內容。尤其是在戀愛的一些重要節點上，比如“正式”開始交往時、訂婚時，或者剛得知你懷孕時。

One easy rule to follow: Ask your partner before sharing anything related to your relationship. Simple questions like, “Are you O.K. with my posting this picture of us on our date night?” can go a long way toward heading off arguments. When there isn’t agreement, Mr. Gray said to err “on the side of the partner who is more private.”

一個很簡單的原則是：在分享任何與你們的戀愛關係相關的內容之前詢問伴侶。一些簡單的問題可以有效避免爭吵，比如，“我可以發咱們約會那晚拍的這張照片嗎？”格雷認爲，如果意見不一致，“要照顧更注重隱私那一方的感受。”

If you find yourself stuck in oversharing mode, Ms. McCallum offered a great reminder. “The volume of photographs of your relationship that you post on Facebook is not indicative of the success or warmth within that relationship,” she said. “Even in this period of heightened social media use, very solid, strong, happy couples quite often choose to not lay their relationships bare on Facebook.”

如果你發現自己已陷入過度分享模式，那麼你可以聽聽麥卡勒姆的一個很好的提醒。“你在Facebook上發佈的戀愛照片的數量並不能代表你們戀愛關係的成功或溫暖，”她說。“即便在如今這個頻繁使用社交媒體的時代，非常可靠、牢固、幸福的情侶經常選擇不在Facebook上暴露自己的戀愛情況。”

If You Wouldn’t Do It in Person ...

如果你不會當面這麼做……

In the real world, the boundaries we should abide by when we are in a relationship are obvious. But social media can blur those lines, which might lead people to do or say things online that they wouldn’t in real life. Commenting “niccccce” on your ex’s latest bathing suit photo on Instagram may seem more innocuous than saying it to her face, but it might not come across that way.

在現實世界裏，我們戀愛時不能越過的一些界線非常明顯。但社交媒體可能會模糊那些界線，人們在現實生活中不會做的事、不會說的話在網上可能會出現。稱讚前任在Instagram上最新發布的泳裝照，可能比當着她的面說顯得更無關緊要，但實際情況可能不是那樣的。

Use real-world boundaries as your digital guide. Imagine that your social media behavior is happening in person, with your partner standing right beside you. Would you make that comment or send that message with your partner watching? If you wouldn’t do it in the real world, don’t do it online.

把現實世界中的界線當作你的在數字世界裏的指導原則。想像一下，如果你的社交媒體行爲是當面發生的，你的伴侶就站在旁邊，會是什麼情形。你的伴侶在場時，你會說出那樣的評論或發送那樣的消息嗎？如果你在現實世界中不會，那麼在網上也不要那樣做。

Don’t Snoop

不要窺探隱私

Social media also makes it easier to check on your partner’s behavior. You don’t have to don a trench coat, fake mustache and sunglasses to track your partner across town anymore. You can just grab his phone when he is in the shower. And there’s a lot to find too; for some reason, most of us think our online activity is private, but it’s shockingly easy to find a treasure trove of information.

社交媒體也讓你更容易查看伴侶的行爲。你不再需要穿上風衣，戴上假鬍子和墨鏡，穿過城市跟蹤他。你可以在他沐浴時拿起他的手機。你能在他的手機上找到很多信息。不知爲何，我們大部分人以爲自己在網上的活動無人知曉，但是在手機上很容易找到大量信息。

Some people insist on trading phone passcodes before getting into a committed relationship, or refuse to date someone who won’t share their passwords as “proof” of their fidelity. It’s easy to feel entitled to see your significant other’s emails, texts and direct messages, assuming that you should be able to if they have nothing to hide. As tempting as it may be, snooping is never a good idea, in the real world or online.

有些人在開始一段認真的戀愛關係之前堅持要求交換手機密碼，或者拒絕與那些不分享自己密碼的人交往，認爲那是他們不忠誠的“證據”。人們很容易覺得自己有權查看伴侶的郵件、短信和即時消息，認爲如果他們沒什麼好隱瞞的，那麼你就應該能看。儘管可能是個很大的誘惑，但窺探隱私永遠都不是一個好主意，不管是在現實世界中還是在網上。

“If you feel the need to snoop on your partner’s online behavior then there’s a bigger conversation that you need to have about your lack of trust in the relationship, or your feelings of internal security in general,” Mr. Gray said. If the need to follow your partner’s every move is just too great, there is likely something else at work that, once resolved, will help more than giving in to the urge to snoop.

“如果你覺得需要窺探伴侶在網上的行爲，那麼你需要進行一場更重要的對話，是關於你在戀愛關係中缺乏信任，或者你總體的內心安全感，”格雷說。如果窺探伴侶所有行爲的需求非常強烈，那麼很可能有其他問題在作祟，如果那個問題能得到解決，會比滿足窺探慾望更有幫助。

You might consider simply not following each other on social media at all. I have two friends who are a couple. The guy’s social media platform of choice is Twitter; his girlfriend prefers Instagram. They purposefully don’t follow each other. They trust each other not to do anything inappropriate, and they like not feeling like they’re “checking up” on each other. It’s a good reminder that your social media lives don’t have to converge the same way your real lives do. A little distance is always healthy, in the real world and online.

你們也可以考慮完全不在社交媒體上關注彼此。我有兩個朋友是情侶。男方選擇的社交媒體平臺是Twitter，他女朋友更喜歡Instagram。他們故意不關注彼此。他們相信對方不會做任何出格的事，他們喜歡不互相“監視”的感覺。要知道，你們的社交媒體生活不需要像你們的現實生活那樣交融。保持一點距離永遠是有益的，不管是在現實世界中還是在網上。

Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt

不要輕易懷疑你的伴侶

Even if you innocently stumble across suspicious-seeming activity, try to remember that tone and intent are much harder to gauge online.

就算你無意中發現了一個可疑的行爲，一定要記得，網上的語氣和用意更難揣測。

Most of us are quick to jump to conclusions with a limited amount of information. This is “what I call storytelling syndrome: When you draw conclusions to decipher what’s happening without first-hand knowledge,” Ms. Edwards said. “Storytelling syndrome usually escalates and before you know it, you’re convinced they are cheating on you all because of a comment on someone’s post.”

我們大部分人很容易通過有限的信息輕率地得出結論。愛德華茲說，這就是“我說的講故事綜合徵，也就是在沒有掌握第一手消息的情況下輕率地得出結論，以爲自己弄清了正在發生的事情。講故事綜合徵通常會不斷惡化，你在不經意間會僅僅憑藉伴侶在某人帖子下的評論就認定他在騙你”。

Ask your partner about their intent before making assumptions. For example: “Hey, I saw you’re now friends on Facebook with that girl you told me you hooked up with before we met. How did that happen?”

在得出結論前詢問伴侶的意圖。比如：“嘿，我看見你在Facebook上和那個女孩互相關注了，就是你說在我們認識之前就認識的那個。那是怎麼回事？”

Address Discomfort Quickly

快速消除不快的感覺

Even with the best intentions, you and your partner are probably going to hurt each other with some of your online behaviors. It’s best to address these episodes quickly and on a case-by-case basis. Address them directly before a pattern develops, or before bad feelings have a chance to fester.

就算是出於最好的用意，你和伴侶也很可能因爲你們在網上的某些行爲而傷害彼此。最好能儘快解決這些問題，而且就事論事。在一種模式惡化之前，或者在糟糕的感覺可能加劇之前，直接解決那些問題。

Mr. Gray suggested first taking the time to figure out why you’re upset, rather than focusing on the behavior. What is the underlying issue? Our emotions can give us a lot of information if we let them.

格雷建議首先花時間弄清你沮喪的原因，不要把注意力放在那個行爲上。深層的問題是什麼？如果我們願意的話，我們能從自己的情緒中獲得很多信息。

Then talk to your partner, focusing on the why, rather than the specific action. Let your partner know what the real issue is and what you need from them. For example, you might say, “Hey, I wanted to let you know that I feel uncomfortable seeing that you still have romantic pictures of you and your ex on your Facebook account. It made me worried that you’re not fully over him. Do you think you could delete them?”

然後跟你的伴侶交談，把重點放在原因上，而不是具體的行爲上。讓你的伴侶知道真正的問題是什麼，以及你需要他們怎麼做。比如，你可以說，“嘿，我想讓你知道，你的Facebook賬戶上依然有你和前任的戀愛照片，那些照片讓我感覺很不舒服。那讓我懷疑你還沒有完全忘了他。你覺得你可以刪掉它們嗎？”

Yes, it’s frustrating to acknowledge the profound impact that social media can have on us and our relationships. But remember, even Snapchat can open up some meaningful conversations between partners.

是的，想到社交媒體能對我們以及我們的戀愛關係產生深刻影響，是一件讓人心煩的事。但是請記住，就連Snapchat也能開啓情侶之間一些有意義的對話。