時尚雙語:談話藝術：困難話題要如何啓齒

We've all had to start conversations that we dreaded having – everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go more smoothly -- at least, that's the hope.

每個人都曾不得不進行另自己懼怕的談話——如：要求加薪、提出離婚、請求幫助洗衣。下面的方法幫你讓談話更順利，至少希望如此。

1. Don't stall. Let's say you need to call an acquaintance whom you haven't seen in a few years to ask for a favor. Don't chat and chat, then casually mention the favor at the end. You're not going to fool him about why you called. It's better to say something like, "It's so great to talk to you. I really want to catch up and hear everything that's been going on for the last few years, but first, I have to tell you the reason I called." Otherwise, the person on the other end tends to feel wary and distracted.

不要拖延。比如：你要打電話給一位認識的人，兩人有些年沒有見面了，你要讓他幫忙。 不要聊個沒完，到結束時才突然提出請幫忙的事。對於你打電話的原因，人家心知肚明。最好這樣說：“和你聊天真不錯。我很想聊聊最近幾年的情況，聽聽發生的每件事，但首先我要告訴你我打電話的理由。” 否則容易讓對方警惕和分心。

2. Don't start off angry. If you have to make some sort of charge, of dishonesty or bad service or a screw-up, work yourself into a mild state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations inspire defensiveness. Explain the situation in a straightforward way. Joke around. Show that you're a reasonable person.

不要怒氣衝衝地開始談話。如果你要對欺騙、差的服務或一次辦砸的事做出控訴，那麼先讓自己情緒緩和。憤怒會激發憤怒；指責會激發抵抗。直接了當地說明情況。開開玩笑。展現出自己是一個講道理的人。

3. This is obvious, but pick your moment. The Big Girl chooses to pester me with her pleas to get her ear pierced just before school, just before bed, or when I'm rifling in the refrigerator with a wolfish look. She couldn't pick worse times. Look for a moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person, choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her, not for you. Sometimes, when you're dreading saying something, you just want to blurt it out and get it over with -- but by waiting, you might get a better result. (See #8 on this, too.)

即使是容易被理解的事情，要說也得選擇時機。可我的大閨女總選擇在上學前一刻、睡前或我正當帶着豺狼般貪婪的面目洗劫冰箱時來糾纏我，懇求我允許她穿耳洞。她選擇的時機簡直是糟糕透頂。要找一個沒有干擾、身體舒適、平靜的時刻。而且，如果對話讓另一方感到痛苦，那麼選擇對他/她而言（不是對你而言）最爲舒適的環境。有時候，當你害怕說某件事，你只希望脫口而出，然後了事——可是等一會再說，你也許會獲得更好的結果（參考第八點）。

4. Think about why the subject is difficult for you. Do you hate to talk about money? Do you shrink from doing anything that smacks of self-promotion? Do you dislike confrontation? Are you afraid of someone? Are you concerned about damaging a relationship? One of the most helpful of my Twelve Commandments is "Identify the problem." If you examine why you're dreading a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that's less upsetting.

想一想爲什麼這話題難以啓齒。你討厭談論錢嗎？帶有自薦意味的事情會讓你退縮嗎？你不喜歡交涉？你害怕某人？你擔心破壞一段關係？在我“十二戒律”中最有幫助的一條是“辨認問題”。如果你弄清楚爲何害怕某種對話，你也許能採取另一種方式來應對，或者可以用一個不愉快度較低的方式重構問題。

5. Are you certain you need to discuss the difficult subject, at all? Often, you do. Sometimes, you don't. Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation?

你確信自己有必要去討論這一困難話題嗎？經常是的。但有時候卻不是。就算進行了這個對話，你真能達到目的嗎？

6. Don't ruminate about worst-case scenarios. It's tempting to imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse than the last. But this usually isn't helpful. I have a strong tendency to do this, and never once in my experience has the conversation unfolded with any resemblance to what I imagined. It sometimes goes just as poorly as I'd feared, but never in a way that I'd predicted. So unless you're doing constructive strategizing, don't allow yourself to indulge in negative fantasies.

不要反覆考慮最壞的情況。人們總是忍不住設想談話的各種情形，這些情形一個比一個糟。但是通常這一點用也沒有。我也有強烈的傾向去做這些設想，但據我經驗來看，實際的對話和我想象中的從來不一樣。有時候，它如同我原來害怕的那麼糟糕，可絕不是我預測中的那種情形。所以，除非你在做建設性的規劃，否則別讓自己沉溺於消極幻想當中。

7. In direct conflict with the above tip -- it can nevertheless be useful to ask yourself, "What's the very worst that could happen?" Someone could tell you "No," or laugh in your face, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly considering the worst-case scenario is actually reassuring. But do this in a focused, realistic, limited way. Don't spend hours playing out horrible scenes in your mind.

和前面一條直接矛盾的是——問問自己：“最壞可能發生的是什麼？”這還是有用的。有的人會對你說“不”，或當着你的面大笑、哭、大叫，或背後指點。這些結果真的那麼令人恐懼嗎？往往考慮出最糟糕的情況反倒使你放心。但是，在問自己這個問題時要集中注意力，要現實，有限度。不要花長時間地在腦子裏播放恐怖的畫面。

8. Can it wait? If you're reacting to something that has just happened, can you postpone the confrontation for a day or two? You might well feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach it more productively.

能等等再說嗎？如果你正處於對剛發生的事情產生的反應中，你能把這次交涉推遲一、兩天嗎？也許等上一段時間後你會感覺更加鎮定些，即便你還需要進行那次談話，這麼做也許能讓你更有成效。

9. Use notes. When you're emotionally overwrought, it can be hard to remember exactly what was said. If your boss made criticisms of your work, what EXACTLY did he or she say? If you're at the doctor's office, what EXACTLY did the doctor say? In some cases, like going to the doctor, you may even want to bring another person with you to help process information. You might also want to bring notes to have a list of the points to cover. You might be so eager to end the conversation that you'd rush out of the room too soon, or you might forget everything you wanted to say or ask in the heat of the conversation.

做記錄。在情緒過度勞累時，要準確地記住說過的話往往會很難。如果你的老闆批評了你的工作，他/她到底對你說了什麼？如果你在醫生辦公室，醫生確切地對你說了什麼？有些時候，例如看大夫，你也許會希望有一個人陪你去，以幫助消化信息。也許你還希望帶上筆記本，列出談話要點。在一次激烈的談話種，你可能會很渴望結束談話，從而會過早地衝出房間，結果忘記了本來要說的、要問的。

10. Write a note instead of having a conversation. When writing, you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way, you allow the other person to react privately, with time for reflection. Or you can write a note alerting the person to the fact that a painful conversation is necessary.

用留言代替交談。在書寫時，你能準確地選擇詞語，而且以這個方式交流，你能讓別人有考慮的時間來私底下做出反應。還能寫留言來警告某人，進行一次痛苦的對話必不可少。

11. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you're going to broach a difficult subject on a particular day, get plenty of sleep and exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well-rested, and calm in body will put you in better spirits.

這一條聽上去太簡單了。如果你知道某一天你將提出困難的話題，那麼之前你需要充分睡眠和鍛鍊。擁有充沛的精力、良好的休息還有鎮定的身體會讓你心情愉快。

Obviously, the tips aren't universally applicable. You wouldn't take notes when confronting your teenager, and you wouldn't bring your spouse to your performance review. But by thinking constructively about how to broach a difficult subject, you might make it less painful and more productive, for everyone.

顯然，以上建議並不是所有情況下都通用。面對自己十來歲的孩子時，你可不會做筆記。你也不會帶配偶去參加面試。但是，通過建設性地去考慮如何提出一個困難話題，你也許爲每個人減少了談話的痛苦，增加了談話的成果。