情感美文:愛情這部電話

PLEASE, God, let him telephone me now. Dear God, let him call me now. I won't ask anything else of You, truly I won't. It isn't very much to ask. It would be so little to You, God, such a little, little thing. Only let him telephone now. Please, God. Please, please, please.

If I didn't think about it, maybe the telephone might ring. Sometimes it does that. If I could think of something else. If I could think of something else. Maybe if I counted five hundred by fives, it might ring by that time. I'll count slowly. I won't cheat. And if it rings when I get to three hundred, I won't stop； I won't answer it until I get to five hundred. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, forty, forty-five, fifty.... Oh, please ring. Please.

This is the last time I'll look at the clock. I will not look at it again. It's ten minutes past seven. He said he would telephone at five o'clock. "I'll call you at five, darling." I think that's where he said "darling." I'm almost sure he said it there. I know he called me "darling" twice, and the other time was when he said good-bye. "Good-bye, darling." He was busy, and he can't say much in the office, but he called me "darling" twice. He couldn't have minded my calling him up. I know you shouldn't keep telephoning them? I know they don't like that. When you do that they know you are thinking about them and wanting them, and that makes them hate you. But I hadn't talked to him in three days? not in three days. And all I did was ask him how he was； it was just the way anybody might have called him up. He couldn't have minded that. He couldn't have thought I was bothering him. "No, of course you're not," he said. And he said he'd telephone me.

He didn't have to say that. I didn't ask him to, truly I didn't. I'm sure I didn't. I don't think he would say he'd telephone me, and then just never do it. Please don't let him do that, God. Please don't.

"I'll call you at five, darling." "Good-bye, darling." He was busy, and he was in a hurry, and there were people around him, but he called me "darling" twice. That's mine, that's mine. I have that, even if I never see him again. Oh, but that's so little. That isn't enough. Nothing's enough, if I never see him again. Please let me see him again, God. Please, I want him so much. I want him so much. I'll be good, God. I will try to be better, I will, If you will let me see him again. If You will let him telephone me. Oh, let him telephone me now.

Ah, don't let my prayer seem too little to You, God. You sit up there, so white and old, with all the angels about You and the stars slipping by. And I come to You with a prayer about a telephone call. Ah, don't laugh, God. You see, You don't know how it feels. You're so safe, there on Your throne, with the blue swirling under You. Nothing can touch You； no one can twist Your heart in his hands. This is suffering, God, this is bad, bad suffering. Won't You help me? For Your Son's sake, help me. You said You would do whatever was asked of You in His name. Oh, God, in the name of Thine only beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, let him telephone me now.

I must stop this. I mustn't be this way. Look. Suppose a young man says he'll call a girl up, and then something happens, and he doesn't. That isn't so terrible, is it? Why, it's going on all over the world, right this minute. Oh, what do I care what's going on all over the world? Why can't that telephone ring? Why can't it, why can't it? Couldn't you ring? Ah, please, couldn't you? You damned, ugly, shiny thing. It would hurt you to ring, wouldn't it? Oh, that would hurt you. Damn you, I'll pull your filthy roots out of the wall, I'll smash your smug black face in little bits. Damn you to hell.

No, no, no. I must stop. I must think about something else. This is what I'll do. I'll put the clock in the other room. Then I can't look at it. If I do have to look at it, then I'll have to walk into the bedroom, and that will be something to do. Maybe, before I look at it again, he will call me. I'll be so sweet to him, if he calls me. If he says he can't see me tonight, I'll say, "Why, that's all right, dear. Why, of course it's all right." I'll be the way I was when I first met him. Then maybe he'll like me again. I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.

I think he must still like me a little. He couldn't have called me "darling" twice today, if he didn't still like me a little. It isn't all gone, if he still likes me a little； even if it's only a little, little bit. You see, God, if You would just let him telephone me, I wouldn't have to ask You anything more. I would be sweet to him, I would be gay, I would be just the way I used to be, and then he would love me again. And then I would never have to ask You for anything more. Don't You see, God? So won't You please let him telephone me? Won't You please, please, please?

Are You punishing me, God, because I've been bad? Are You angry with me because I did that? Oh, but, God, there are so many bad people ? You could not be hard only to me. And it wasn't very bad； it couldn't have been bad. We didn't hurt anybody, God. Things are only bad when they hurt people. We didn't hurt one single soul； You know that. You know it wasn't bad, don't You, God? So won't You let him telephone me now?

If he doesn't telephone me, I'll know God is angry with me. I'll count five hundred by fives, and if he hasn't called me then, I will know God isn't going to help me, ever again. That will be the sign. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, forty, forty-five, fifty, fifty-five... It was bad. I knew it was bad. All right, God, send me to hell. You think You're frightening me with Your hell, don't You? You think. Your hell is worse than mine.

I mustn't. I mustn't do this. Suppose he's a little late calling me up? that's nothing to get hysterical about. Maybe he isn't going to call ?maybe he's coming straight up here without telephoning. He'll be cross if he sees I have been crying. they don't like you to cry. He doesn't cry. I wish to God I could make him cry. I wish I could make him cry and tread the floor and feel his heart heavy and big and festering in him. I wish I could hurt him like hell.

He doesn't wish that about me. I don't think he even knows how he makes me feel. I wish he could know, without my telling him. they don't like you to tell them they've made you cry. They don't like you to tell them you're unhappy because of them. If you do, they think you're possessive and exacting. And then they hate you. They hate you whenever you say anything you really think. You always have to keep playing little games. Oh, I thought we didn't have to； I thought this was so big I could say whatever I meant. I guess you can't, ever. I guess there isn't ever anything big enough for that. Oh, if he would just telephone, I wouldn't tell him I had been sad about him. They hate sad people. I would be so sweet and so gay, he couldn't help but like me. If he would only telephone. If he would only telephone.

maybe that's what he is doing. Maybe he is coming on here without calling me up. Maybe he's on his way now. Something might have happened to him. No, nothing could ever happen to him. I can't picture anything happening to him. I never picture him run over. I never see him lying still and long and dead. I wish he were dead. That's a terrible wish. That's a lovely wish. If he were dead, he would be mine. If he were dead, I would never think of now and the last few weeks. I would remember only the lovely times. It would be all beautiful. I wish he were dead. I wish he were dead, dead, dead.

This is silly. It's silly to go wishing people were dead just because they don't call you up the very minute they said they would. Maybe the clock's fast； I don't know whether it's right. Maybe he's hardly late at all. Anything could have made him a little late. Maybe he had to stay at his office. Maybe he went home, to call me up from there, and somebody came in. He doesn't like to telephone me in front of people. Maybe he's worried, just a little, little bit, about keeping me waiting. He might even hope that I would call him up. I could do that. I could telephone him.

I mustn't. I mustn't, I mustn't. Oh, God, please don't let me telephone him. Please keep me from doing that. I know, God, just as well as You do, that if he were worried about me, he'd telephone no matter where he was or how many people there were around him. Please make me know that, God. I don't ask YOU to make it easy for me ? You can't do that, for all that You could make a world. Only let me know it, God. Don't let me go on hoping. Don't let me say comforting things to myself. Please don't let me hope, dear God. Please don't.

I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God； I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you. I should think it would be so sweet to be sure.

It would be so easy to telephone him. then I'd know. Maybe it wouldn't be a foolish thing to do. Maybe he wouldn't mind. Maybe he'd like it. Maybe he has been trying to get me. Sometimes people try and try to get you on the telephone, and they say the number doesn't answer. I'm not just saying that to help myself； that really happens. You know that really happens, God. Oh, God, keep me away from that telephone. Keep me away. Let me still have just a little bit of pride. I think I'm going to need it, God. I think it will be all I'll have.

Oh, what does pride matter, when I can't stand it if I don't talk to him? Pride like that is such a silly, shabby little thing. the real pride, the big pride, is in having no pride. I'm not saying that just because I want to call him. I am not. That's true, I know that's true. I will be big. I will be beyond little prides.

Please, God, keep me from, telephoning him. Please, God.

I don't see what pride has to do with it. This is such a little thing, for me to be bringing in pride, for me to be making such a fuss about. I may have misunderstood him. Maybe he said for me to call him up, at five. "Call me at five, darling." He could have said that, perfectly well. It's so possible that I didn't hear him right. "Call me at five, darling." I'm almost sure that's what he said. God, don't let me talk this way to myself. Make me know, please make me know.

I'll think about something else. I'll just sit quietly. If I could sit still. If I could sit still. Maybe I could read. Oh, all the books are about people who love each other, truly and sweetly. What do they want to write about that for? Don't they know it isn't true? Don't they know it's a lie, it's a God damned lie? What do they have to tell about that for, when they know how it hurts? Damn them, damn them, damn them.

I won't. I'll be quiet. This is nothing to get excited about. Look. Suppose he were someone I didn't know very well. Suppose he were another girl. Then I'd just telephone and say, "Well, for goodness' sake, what happened to you?" That's what I'd do, and I'd never even think about it. Why can't I be casual and natural, just because I love him? I can be. Honestly, I can be. I'll call him up, and be so easy and pleasant. You see if I won't, God. Oh, don't let me call him. Don't, don't, don't.

God, aren't You really going to let him call me? Are You sure, God? Couldn't You please relent? Couldn't You? I don't even ask You to let him telephone me this minute, God； only let him do it in a little while. I'll count five hundred by fives. I'll do it so slowly and so fairly. If he hasn't telephoned then, I'll call him. I will. Oh, please, dear God, dear kind God, my blessed Father in Heaven, let him call before then. Please, God. Please.

Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five....

上帝啊，讓他現在就給我打電話吧。我的上帝啊，讓他現在就呼我吧。我將不再向你苛求，真的，不再苛求什麼。這個要求一點兒也不過分。上帝，對你來說這簡直就是小菜一碟，舉手之勞。我只要他現在就給我來電話。求求你了，蒼天啊。阿米駝佛，阿米駝佛，阿米駝佛。

要是我不惦記着他的電話，或許電話真的就會來。有時就是如此。也許我該想想別的什麼。也許我該想想別的什麼。也許我一五一十地數到500，電話就會響了。我要慢慢數。不會數快不會漏數。要是我數到三百電話就響了，我也不會停下來；直到數到五百我再接電話。五，十，十五，二十，二十五，三十，三十五，四十，四十五，五十... 哦，給我打電話吧。求你了。

這是我最後一次看時間。我不會再看二次。現在時刻七點過十分。他說五點會給我打電話。“寶貝，我五點給你打電話。”我想他說了“寶貝。”我差不多可以肯定他說過。我知道他叫過我兩次“寶貝”，另一次是他走的時候。“再見，寶貝。”他很忙，在辦公室裏又無法深嘮，但他確實叫過我兩次“寶貝”。他可能不介意我給他打電話。我知道人不能總是給別人打電話，不是嗎？因爲別人不喜歡總接到電話。要是你老打電話，別人就會明白你尋思他們想利用他們，這會令人們厭惡你。可我已經有三天沒和他說話了，不是嗎？三天沒說話了啊。就像別人打給他的電話一樣，我只是問問他可好。他不會介意的。他不會認爲我打擾了他。“不，你當然沒打擾我，”他說。而且，他會說，我本該給你打電話的。

他真的不必那麼說。我沒要他打給我，真的，我沒有。我相信我沒讓他打給我。我沒想到他會說他本該打給我，只是他從沒主動打給我。上帝啊，請別讓他那麼幹。千萬別。

“寶貝，我五點給你打電話。”“再見，寶貝。”他很忙，他確實很忙，總有一羣人圍着他，但他確實叫過我兩次“寶貝”。那是在對我說，對我說啊。如果我再也見不到他了，那句寶貝也是對我說的。哎，可惜就這麼兩句。遠遠不夠。如果我再也見不到他了，說什麼都不足以彌補。上帝啊，請讓我能再見到他吧。拜託了，我是如此地需要他。需要他。上帝啊，我會對你服服帖帖。我會更加虔誠，只要你讓我還能再見到他。要是您能讓他給我打電話。哎，讓他現在就給我打電話。

啊上帝，別把我的祈禱看得太微不足道。你端坐在那裏，身邊圍繞着天使，你是顯得如此光彩威嚴就連羣星也黯然失色。而我只是向您祈求一個電話而已。啊上帝，別笑話我。您知道，您理解不了這種感覺。您那麼安全，端坐在您的御座上，俯臨着嫋嫋晴空。不爲萬物所動；誰也別想折磨您的內心。上帝，這簡直就是受罪，一種相當相當痛苦的苦難。您能不能救救我？以耶穌的名義，救救我。您說過您願意滿足以他的名義提出的任何要求。哦，上帝，以你深愛着的兒子耶穌基督的名義，我的上帝，讓他現在給我打電話吧。

我不能再這樣下去了。我必須擺脫這種狀態。看。假設一個青年說他會給一個女孩子打電話，隨後發生了什麼事情，於是他沒能打成電話。這並沒什麼可怕的，不是嗎？噢！這樣的事全世界都在發生，此時就有。哦，我關心世界上發生的什麼呢？爲什麼我的電話就不能響起呢？爲什麼，它爲什麼不響？你就不能打個電話嗎？啊，拜託了，能不能打個電話？你這死鬼，邪惡乖滑的東西。打個電話能讓你損失什麼嗎？哦，給我打電話一定會損失你什麼的。該死的，我要把你骯髒的插頭從牆上拔出來，把你得意洋洋的黑臉砸成碎片。你下地獄吧。

不，不，不要。我不能再這樣下去了。我必須想點兒別的東西。想點兒別的，這就是我要乾的事兒。我要把鐘錶放到另一個屋子裏去。這樣我就看不見它了。要是我必須看一眼時間，那我就必須步入臥室，那樣就會有點兒事情來做。也許，在我再次看錶前，他就會給我打電話。要是他給我打電話，我會對他溫柔些許。要是他說今晚他不能見我，我就說，“噢！沒關係，親愛的。噢！當然沒事兒。”我會表現的就像初次遇見他一樣。或許他會再次喜歡上我。我起先總是很溫柔。哦，在你愛上他人之前，很容易對他們表現得溫柔。

我想他一定還有點喜歡我。他要不是對我又那麼一點喜歡，今天就不會叫我兩次“寶貝兒”了。要是他還有點兒喜歡我，即使只那麼一點點，一點點，這一切就還沒結束。您看，上帝，要是您能讓他給我打電話，我就不會向您要求這麼多了。我會對他溫柔，我會很開心，我會像往常的我一樣，而他也會再次愛上我。那樣我就不會向您祈求任何事。上帝，您明白嗎？所以拜託了，您能讓他給我打電話不？拜託您了，拜託，拜託了。

上帝，您是因爲我已經和他發生關係而懲罰我嗎？您爲我那樣的行爲而生我的氣嗎？哦，可是，上帝，有那麼多人都是如此啊？您不能針對我一個人這麼苛刻。這也不是十分糟；但本不該如此的啊。我倆沒有傷害任何人啊，上帝。只有傷害人的事兒是錯的。我們沒有損害哪怕是一個人；您知道的。您知道我們沒幹壞事，您知道嗎? 所以拜託了，您能讓他給我打電話不？

要是他沒打電話，我就明白了上帝您是在生我的氣。我要一五一十地數到500，要是他還沒給我打電話，那就是上帝不打算再幫我了。不來電話就是不幫我的預兆。五，十，十五，二十，二十五，三十，三十五，四十，四十五，五十，五十五... 這可真糟心。我知道這很鬧心。好吧，上帝，把我送往地獄吧。您以爲我會害怕地獄，是嗎？您會以爲您掌控的地獄比我現在所身處的地獄更殘酷。

我不可以。我不可以這樣。假如他只是稍晚了一些給我打電話，這不值得這麼歇斯底里。也許他壓根就沒想打電話給我？也許他不打電話直接奔過來呢。要是他看見我哭過，他會生氣的。男人不喜歡女人哭哭啼啼的。他從不哭鼻子。上帝，希望我能讓他哭一次鼻子。但願我能讓他哭，讓他在地板上走來走去，感覺到心情沉重、痛楚不堪。但願我能像地獄一樣折磨他。

他不會希望那樣折磨我的。我想他甚至不瞭解他給我的感覺。但願不用我向他傾訴，他就能瞭解。男人不喜歡聽女孩子說是他們把人家弄哭。男人也不喜歡聽女孩子說不快是由於他們。要是你那樣做了，他們會認爲你佔有慾太強、太苛刻。爾後，他們就會厭惡你。不管你說什麼，即使是真情實感，他們也會感到厭惡。你永遠只能耍一點小把戲。哦，我想我們之間沒必要耍性子；我想這已經遠遠超出了我想要說的。我猜你也不曾和我耍性子。我猜我們之間也沒有不能談的事情。哦，要是他剛好打電話過來，我是不會對他說我爲他而難過的。男人厭惡傷感的人。我還會溫柔快樂，他會情不自禁喜歡上我。假如他能打個電話。假如他能打個電話。

或許他也在等電話。也許他不打電話給我直接奔過來呢。或許他現在正在來這兒的路上。也許發生了什麼意外。不，什麼意外也不會發生。我想象不出在他身上會出什麼意外。我從未想象過他被車撞倒。我從沒見過他靜靜地躺在那裏僵直死去。但願他已死了。這可真是個壞透腔的祝願。這又是個美好的祝願。要是他死了，他就是我的了。要是他死了，我就不會在過去幾周裏一直思前想後到現在了。我只會記得美好的時光。所有的回憶都將是美好的。但願他已死了。但願他已死了，死了，已經死了。

這真無聊。僅因爲別人不在他所承諾的時刻給我打電話就咒人家死，真無聊。或許是時鐘快了；我不知道時間準不準。或許他壓根就沒晚。任何事情都可能讓他遲些打電話過來。或許他必須留在辦公室。或許他回家了，會從那裏打過來，而這時進來了一個人。他不願在外人面前給我打電話。或許讓我一直這麼等着，他有那麼一點擔心，就那麼一點點兒。他甚至希望我給他打過去。我可以給他打。我可以給他打過去。

我不可以。我不可，我不可。哦，上帝啊，請不要讓我給他打電話。請別讓我那麼做。上帝，我和您同樣明白，要是他擔心我，無論他身處何處，不論周圍有多少人，他都會給我打電話的。上帝，讓我清醒吧。我不是要求您給我一個了斷。我不能那樣，儘管您有創造世界的能力。卻唯獨只讓我看破這件事。別讓我繼續希翼了。別讓我再自我安慰了。請別讓我繼續希望了，親愛的上帝。千萬別。

我不會給他打過去。我有生之年決不會再給他打電話了。在我給他打電話之前，他早就朽蝕在地獄裏了。你不必賜予我力量，上帝；我本來有力量。要是他想我的話，他就能找到我。他知道到哪兒能找到我。他知道我在這裏守候。他是如此地確信，如此地確信。男人一旦能拿準你，他們就會厭惡你，我不知道這是爲什麼。我該想到這點是如此地明確。

給他打個電話是如此地容易。於是我就會明白。或許給他打過去並非顯得那麼蠢。或許他不會介意。或許他喜歡我給他打過去。或許他想拿住我。有時人們總是在電話上拿你一下，他們總會說給你打電話沒人接。我並不是說說讓自己解脫；真有這樣的事兒。上帝，您知道真有這樣的事兒。哦，上帝，讓我離電話遠一點兒吧。讓我遠離它。讓我保有那麼一丁點兒的自尊。上帝，我想我要保有一點兒自尊。我想這就是我所要做的。

哦，當我忍受不了這種不能和他談話的時刻，留點兒自尊又能怎麼樣呢？那樣的自尊是如此地毫無意義，如此地猥瑣。真正的自尊是底氣十足的自尊，是根本不需要自尊的自尊。我並不是在說我只是想給他打電話。我沒有。這是真的，我知道這是真的。我會底氣十足。我會超越渺小卑微的自尊。

上帝，拜託了，讓我遠離電話吧。求求你了，上帝啊。

我看不出自尊與電話有什麼關係。這是件瑣事，可卻會我給我帶來自尊，會讓我對此大驚小怪。也許我誤會他了。或許他說的是讓我五點時給他打電話。“五點鐘給我打電話，寶貝。” 他可以是這麼說的。很可能我沒聽清他是怎麼說的。“五點鐘給我打電話，寶貝。” 我只能大概確定他說的話。上帝，別讓我這麼自言自語了。上帝，讓我清醒吧，讓我清醒吧。

我必須想點兒別的事兒。我就靜坐好了。要是我能坐得住的話。要是我能坐得住的話。或許我可以讀書。哦，我要看盡所有紀實描寫人們彼此甜蜜相愛的書。相愛的人們都會寫些什麼呢？他們不知道有些不是真的嗎？他們不知道有些東西是謊言，一個上帝的大謊話嗎？當他們明白愛情帶來的傷害，他們又會寫些什麼？去他們的，去他們的，去他們的吧。

我不會去看這些描寫愛情的書。我要靜一下。沒什麼值得激動的。看。假如他是個我不認識的什麼人該多好。假如他是個女的。我只是正好打電話說，“哈嘍，沒什麼事兒，你忙什麼呢？”我就該這麼辦，而且對此不必多想。僅僅因爲愛他，我爲什麼不能隨便自然些？我可以自然隨便些。真的，我可以自然隨便些。我要給他打電話，要很隨便輕鬆。上帝，您知道我辦不到。哦，別讓我打電話給他。不，不，不要。

上帝，您並不是真心想讓他給我打電話，對嗎？上帝，您確信嗎？您能不能發發慈悲？您就不能發發慈悲嗎？上帝，我不是求您讓他現在就給我打電話；我只是求您讓他一會兒能給我打過來。我會一五一十地數到500。我要慢慢仔細地數。要是數完他還不給我打電話，我就打過去。我會打過去的。哦，拜託了，親愛的上帝，親愛仁慈的上帝，在天國佐佑我的主啊，讓他先打過來吧。求求你了，上帝啊。求你了。

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