諾貝爾文學經典:《寵兒》第15章Part2

"I did it. I got us all out. Without Halle too. Up till then it was the only thing I ever did on my ded. And it came off right, like it was supposed to. We was here. Each and every one of mybabies and me too. I birthed them and I got em out and it wasn't no accident. I did that. I had help,of course, lots of that, but still it was me doing it; me saying, Go on, and Now. Me having to lookout. Me using my own head. But it was more than that. It was a kind of selfishness I never knewnothing about before. It felt good. Good and right. I was big, Paul D, and deep and wide and whenI stretched out my arms all my children could get in between. I was that wide. Look like I lovedem more after I got here. Or maybe I couldn't love em proper in Kentucky because they wasn'tmine to love. But when I got here, when I jumped down off that wagon — there wasn't nobody inthe world I couldn't love if I wanted to. You know what I mean?"
Paul D did not answer becauseshe didn't expect or want him to, but he did know what she meant. Listening to the doves in Alfred,Georgia, and having neither the right nor the permission to enjoy it because in that place mist,doves, sunlight, copper dirt, moon — -every thing belonged to the men who had the guns. Littlemen, some of them, big men too, each one of whom he could snap like a twig if he wanted to. Menwho knew their manhood lay in their guns and were not even embarrassed by the knowledge thatwithout gunshot fox would laugh at them. And these "men" who made even vixen laugh could, ifyou let them, stop you from hearing doves or loving moonlight. So you protected yourself andloved small. Picked the tiniest stars out of the sky to own; lay down with head twisted in order tosee the loved one over the rim of the trench before you slept. Stole shy glances at her between thetrees at chain-up. Grass blades, salamanders, spiders, woodpeckers, beetles, a kingdom of ants. Anything bigger wouldn't do. A woman, achild, a brother — a big love like that would split you wide open in Alfred, Georgia. He knew exactly what she meant: to get to a place where you couldlove anything you chose — not to need permission for desire — well now, that was freedom.
Circling, circling, now she was gnawing something else instead of getting to the point.

"我成功了。我把大家都弄了出來。而且沒靠黑爾。到那時爲止，那是唯一一件我自己幹成的事。鐵了心的。然後事情很順利，跟設想的一樣。我們到了這裏。我的每一個寶貝，還有我自己。我生了他們，還把他們弄了出來，那可不是撞大運。是我乾的。我有幫手，當然了，好多呢，可還是我乾的；是我說的，走吧，我說的，快點。是我得多加小心。是我用了自己的頭腦。而且還不止那些。那是一種自私自利，我從前根本不知道。感覺起來很好。很好，而且正確。我很大，保羅·D，又深又寬，一伸開胳膊就能把我所有的孩子都攬進懷裏。我是那麼寬。看來我到了這兒以後更愛他們。也許是因爲我在肯塔基不能正當地愛他們，他們不是讓我愛的。可是等我到了這裏，等我從那輛大車上跳下來——只要我願意，世界上沒有誰我不能愛。你明白我的意思麼？"
保羅·D沒搭腔，因爲她並沒指望或者要求他回答，可他的確明白了她的意思。在佐治亞的阿爾弗雷德聽鴿子叫的時候，他既沒有權利也不被允許去享受它，因爲那個地方的霧、鴿子、陽光、銅鏽、月亮——什麼都屬於那些持槍的人。有些是小個子，大個子也一樣，願意的話，他可以把他們像根樹枝似的一個個折斷。那些人知道他們自己的男子氣概藏在槍桿子裏，他們知道離開槍連狐狸也會笑話他們，卻不因此感到羞恥。要是你隨他們擺佈，這些甚至讓母狐狸笑話的"男人"會阻止你去聆聽鴿子的叫聲或者熱愛月光。所以你要保護自己，去愛很小的東西。挑出天外最小的星星給自己；睡覺前扭着頭躺下，爲了看見壕溝的邊緣上你最愛的那一顆。上鎖鏈時在樹木中間含羞偷偷瞥上一眼。草葉、蠑螈、蜘蛛、啄木鳥、甲蟲、螞蟻王國。任何再大點的東西都不行。一個女人、一個孩子、一個兄弟——在佐治亞的阿爾弗雷德，一個那麼大的愛將把你一劈兩半。他準確地理解了她的意思：到一個你想愛什麼就愛什麼的地方去——慾望無須得到批准——總而言之，那就是自由。
轉啊，轉啊，現在她又嚼起了別的事情，就是不往點子上說。