善待朋友: 怎樣經營你的友誼銀行

For 20 years, Christina Steinorth was happy to help one of her close friends with whatever she needed -- last-minute baby sitting, a drive to work when her car was in the shop, countless hours of free marriage advice (Ms. Steinorth is a licensed marriage and family therapist). She didn't expect anything in return.
去20年來，無論密友有什麼事情需要幫助，克里斯蒂娜·斯泰諾特(Christina Steinorth)一直都樂意幫忙，比如臨時受託替她照看孩子、在她車子送去維修時送她上班，以及提供無數個小時的免費婚姻諮詢（斯泰諾特是一名持照婚姻家庭治療師）。斯泰諾特並未期望獲得任何回報。

When Ms. Steinorth and her husband decided to adopt a baby a few years ago, she asked her pal to write a letter of recommendation. The friend agreed enthusiastically, Ms. Steinorth says, but months went by and no letter arrived. She asked again and the friend apologized profusely, but still no letter. After several more months, Ms. Steinorth asked one more time. Her friend ignored her.
幾年前，斯泰諾特與丈夫決定收養一個孩子，便請這位好友給她寫一封推薦信。斯泰諾特說，朋友熱情地答應了，但是幾個月過去，她沒收到任何信件。她又問了一次，朋友再三道歉，但是依然沒有寄信過來。幾個月後，斯泰諾特又問了一次，這位朋友乾脆置之不理。

'I Learned a very painful lesson -- that she wanted more from me than she was willing to give back, ' Ms. Steinorth said.
斯泰諾特說：“我得到了一個非常慘痛的教訓——她更想從我這兒得到幫助，而沒那麼願意做出回報。”

Have you ever tried to make a withdrawal from the friendship bank, only to find your balance was much lower than you thought it was?
你是否也有過想從“友誼銀行”取款，卻發現餘額遠遠比你想象的要少的經歷呢？

Friendship should be more than a series of tit-for-tat transactions: If I do a favor for you, then you will do one for me. Social psychologists call this view of relationships 'exchange orientation' and say it is more suited to business associates or other non-intimate relationships than to loved ones. In our close relationships, we'd like to think we give without expecting anything in return.
友情不應當僅僅是一系列有來有往的交易：如果我幫了你的忙，你也要幫我一次。社會心理學家將這種友情觀稱爲“交換取向”(exchange orientation)。他們認爲，這更適合商業夥伴或其他不太親近的關係，並不適於與親友的關係。在一段親密關係中，我們總是願意認爲自己不求任何回報地付出。

But that's just not reality. We do want something from friends -- emotional support, attention, a hand when we need one. Although we may not 'keep count, ' we do want to be able to count on them.
然而，這並非事實。我們的確會對朋友有所求——情感支持、關注以及在我們需要之時伸出援手。雖然我們也許不會“錙銖必較”，但我們確實希望能指望上他們。

Researchers have long known we feel bad about a relationship if we believe we're giving but getting nothing back. 'You need to perceive a balance between the costs and the rewards in a friendship or other close relationship, or there will be relational distress, ' says David Henningsen, professor of communication at Northern Illinois University.
研究人員很早就知道，如果我們認爲自己在一段關係中一直付出卻得不到任何回報，我們就會對它心生嫌隙。北伊利諾伊大學(Northern Illinois University)溝通心理學教授戴維·亨寧森(David Henningsen)指出：“在友情或其他親密的關係中，你需要感知到你的付出與收穫是平衡的，否則這段關係會出現危機。”

People who usually make an effort to help others, without regard to whether they will get something in return, are considered to have high 'communal orientation.' New research from the University of Toronto, published this month in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, suggests they are happier than people with low communal orientation.
常常盡力幫助他人，不計較他們是否獲得回報的人被認爲具有很強的“公共取向”(communal orientation)。多倫多大學(University of Toronto)於9月份發表在《社會與人際關係雜誌》(Social and Personal Relationships)的新研究指出，這些人比公共取向度低的人更快樂。

To study this, the researchers had 232 people rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 7 on 14 statements such as, 'I often come to the help of others in need, ' 'I believe people should go out of their way to be helpful' and 'It bothers me when other people neglect my needs.' The research subjects then completed surveys three times a week for one month, recording their levels of self-esteem, positive emotions, relationship satisfaction and love for humanity overall.
爲了展開這項研究，研究人員讓232名受試者就14項描述按一至七分的等級爲自己評分，包括“我常常幫助需要幫助的人”、“我認爲人們應當竭盡全力幫助他人”以及“別人忽視我的需求時，我心裏會不舒服”等等。這些受試者接着還要連續一個月每週完成三次調查，記錄他們的自尊感、積極情緒、對關係的滿足感以及對整個人類的愛的程度。

The results: 'Being a helpful person feels good and contributes to better relationships and greater satisfaction and self-worth, ' says Bonnie Le, a Ph.D candidate at the University of Toronto and lead researcher on the study.
多倫多大學博士、該項研究的領頭人邦尼·勒(Bonnie Le)稱，結果表明“做個有幫助的人會讓人感覺良好，有助於增進關係，且帶來更大的滿足感和自我價值感。”Even so, people with strong communal orientation aren't completely selfless. They do expect their friends will be there if they need them. The risk they run is they won't receive support, or they will even be exploited, by friends or loved ones with low communal orientation.
即便如此，公共取向度高的人並非就是完全無私的，他們也期望朋友能在他們需要之時出現。他們面臨的風險是得不到支持，甚至被公共取向度低的朋友或親人利用。

So what can you do if you tend to give a lot in a friendship and don't always get what you need in return? Start by rechanneling some of your giving. Volunteer for charity or help someone less fortunate. You'll enjoy the benefits of providing help and will be free of the expectation that you will receive something in return.
假如你在友情中總是付出很多，可並不是總能獲得你需要的回報，你能做些什麼呢？從改變你付出的途徑開始吧。參與義務慈善工作或幫助更不幸的人。你會享受到幫助他人的樂趣，並且從獲得他人回報的期望中擺脫出來。

When making a new friend, pay attention early on to the other person's communal orientation. Does he ask about you and actually pay attention to your answer? Is she willing to do something you suggest doing, or work around your schedule? Not everyone is capable of giving at the same level. But if you are aware of who you are dealing with, you will be less likely to have expectations that won't be met.
此外，結交新朋友時，早些注意對方的公共取向度。他會問起你並真的會注意你的回答嗎？她樂意去做你提議的事情或根據你的時間安排做些變通嗎？每個人能付出的程度都不同。但是，如果你瞭解了你打交道的對象是什麼樣的人，你對其期望過高的可能性就會降低。

Finally, realize that not all relationships can be fixed -- and that's OK. Ultimately, you need to decide who is worthy of your friendship. Learning to have more balanced interactions will help your future relationships.
最後，你要知道不是所有關係都能修補的，這真的沒關係。歸根究底，你需要明確誰值得你付出友情。學會建立更平衡的交際關係有助於你將來的人際交往。

Ms. Steinorth, who is 48 and lives in Santa Barbara, Calif., no longer speaks to her former friend. 'I thought, 'After all the little things I've done, all the times I've been there for you, I ask for just one thing and you can't do it?'' she recalls thinking. Her former friend did eventually write a nice letter of recommendation, she says, after Ms. Steinorth had her husband make the request. But by then the couple's application was no longer valid.
今年48歲、住在加州 巴巴拉的斯泰諾特不再和她以前的那位朋友說話了。她回憶起當時的想法時說：“我想，‘在我做了那麼多事情，一直在你身邊給你支持之後，我只是請你幫忙做一件事，你都做不了嗎？’”她說，在她讓丈夫提出請求後，那位朋友最終寫了一封出色的推薦信，但是那時他們的申請已經失效了。

As a result of this experience, Ms. Steinorth says, she 'holds back' a little in her relationships, giving more to people who really need her assistance and can't reciprocate or even say thank you. Instead of cooking three dishes for family get-togethers, she cooks one and makes several casseroles for the homeless. And she volunteers at a Basset Hound rescue organization. She also pays close attention to a new friend's style of communal orientation.
斯泰諾特說，由於這段經歷，現在她在和人交往時會稍稍有些“保留”，而對真正需要她幫助但不能報答、甚至無法說聲謝謝的人給予更多的幫助。她以前會爲家庭聚會做三道菜，現在只做一道，然後再爲無家可歸的人做幾道燉菜。她還擔任巴吉度犬營救組織的志願者。現在，她也會密切注意新朋友的公共取向度。

'It's not my nature, but I don't get hurt anymore, ' says Ms. Steinorth, who has written a book about communication in friendships and other relationships. 'I let go of the expectation that everyone wants the same thing from a relationship, because they don't.'
她說：“這並非我的天性，但這樣做我再也不會被傷害了。我摒棄了認爲每個人都對友情有着同樣期待的想法，因爲他們確實不是如此。”她撰寫了一本書，論述在友情和其他關係中該如何溝通。