父親的擁抱 In Praise of Hugs

Growing up at a distance – geographical and emotional – from her chilly father meant Katherine Burdett always doubted his feelings for her. Until his final few days…
從小到大，不論是平日接觸還是情感交流，Katherine Burdett對冷漠的父親總有疏離感，致使她常常懷疑父親對自己的感情，直到父親彌留之際……

I grew up bereft of hugs. Neither of my parents was the cuddly type. Greetings involving kissing caused me to wince, and hugging generally just made me feel awkward.
我的成長過程中沒有擁抱，因爲我的父母都不是喜歡擁抱的人。寒暄時的親吻讓我畏縮，而擁抱則會使我陷入尷尬。

Then one hug changed all that. One month before my 40th birthday my dad had heart surgery. As he came round, days later, he grabbed me and hugged me so hard I had to push with all my might to keep my head from pressing down on his newly stitched torso.
而後來的一個擁抱將一切徹底改變。我40歲生日前的那個月父親接受了心臟手術。幾天後，當他甦醒過來時，他抓着我並緊緊地擁抱了我，他是如此用力以至於我使了好大力氣才推離他的身體，而那上面有着新近才縫合的創口。

It was a hug to make up for all those we had never had. Days later as he slowly started to gain strength he told me for the first time ever that he loved me, and through my tears I told him I loved him too.
這個擁抱彌補了一切我們所不曾擁有的。幾天後，他開始慢慢恢復體力，然後有生以來第一次他告訴我他愛我，我淚流滿面，對他說我也愛他。

I began planning how to bake him better – with carrot cakes, victoria sponges, jelly and ice cream. My maternal streak kicked in and I fantasised about wheeling him through the park and feeding him home-made goodies. Then he died.
我開始計劃着如何用蘿蔔糕、果醬夾層蛋糕、果醬和奶油爲他烘焙更美味的各式點心。我的母性氣質急劇爆發，我幻想推着坐着輪椅的他在公園漫步，請他品嚐自制小點。可是不久他過世了。

I felt cheated. All my life I had wondered whether my dad cared for me and loved me – I doubted it. Just as I got proof that he did, he passed away.
我有種受騙的感覺。迄今爲止，我一直在質疑父親是否關心我、愛我。而當我剛剛得到答案時，他卻離我而去了。

My parents split up when I was two years old and, while I had monthly contact with my dad, my bitter stepmother and my father's old-fashioned stiff upper lip meant we never became close. In fact, I used to dread the visits to see him and count the hours until I could go home again.
在我兩歲時父母離婚了，之後每個月我都會和父親見次面，而我那位尖刻的後母以及父親那老式而僵硬的話語註定了我們永遠無法親近彼此。事實上，我一直很怕跟父親見面，每次都數着時間盼着能早點回家。

When I was very little the weekends at my father's house felt cold and unfriendly. During my teens the trips to a hostile house became a dread on the horizon for weeks beforehand. Each stay culminated in an uncomfortable peck on the cheek from Dad as he said goodbye – a moment I cringed about for hours in advance.
當我還很小的時候，那些在父親家度過的週末讓人感到冷淡而不友好。而在我青少年時期，去拜訪那個不友好的家就意味着在那之前提早來臨的幾個禮拜的擔心和恐懼。每次父親和我道別時都會在我臉頰留下匆匆一吻，那讓人不舒服，因而每每在此之前幾小時我就開始害怕。

And yet standing beside the hospital bed watching the life ebb from my sleeping father was painful. I felt like a little girl at his bedside, unable to talk to him yet again. I became fixated with his fingers – fat and soft, lying gently curled beside him. Slowly they transformed from plump sausages to stone – white and immovable. It was his fingers that told me he had gone from this life, not the bleeping of monitors or the bustling of nursing staff.
然而，站在醫院的病牀邊看着沉睡的父親生命垂危，這讓我痛苦不已。我覺得自己像個小姑娘，在他的牀邊，卻無法再次和他說話。我注視着他的手指 - 肥厚而柔軟，捲曲着放在他身旁。慢慢地，它們的顏色由紅潤轉爲蒼白，並且不再動彈。這告訴我他已離開了人世，而此刻監視器的嘈雜聲響和護士的忙亂已不能再說明什麼。

Losing a father whom you have no recollection of ever living with is difficult. Grieving is tricky; I didn't have any obvious close father-daughter memories to cling to and mull and cry over. Most of my memories were of stilted meetings and uncomfortable times together. But I desperately missed him being alive.
若你連絲毫和父親一起生活過的記憶都沒有，那麼失去他必定很煎熬。悲痛讓人難以捉摸；父親和我之間沒有什麼親密相處的記憶讓我留戀、冥想或慟哭。我的大多記憶是一些讓人彆扭的碰面和不自在的共處時光。然而現在我是多麼懷念他在世的日子啊。

As time moved on my grief and anger at his untimely death began to recede. I realised that his affirmation of me from his deathbed had filled a gaping hole of insecurity I had constantly carried around.
時光荏苒，父親過早離世帶給我的悲傷和氣憤開始逐漸減弱。而我也意識到父親在臨終病牀上給我的肯定讓常年困擾着我的不安全感煙消雲散。

To a child a hug says so many things. It tells you that the person hugging you loves you, cares for you. A hug also confirms that you are a lovable being. Months after Dad's death I realised with a jolt that his lack of hugs said more about him than me. My father was not a demonstrative man and I was, therefore, perhaps, a lovable being.
擁抱對一個孩子來說意味着很多。它表示擁抱你的那個人愛你、關心你。同時它也證明你是個討人喜歡的孩子。父親過世幾個月後，我猛然意識到父親很少擁抱別人更多是性格所致。他不是個善於表達的人，所以……可能……我是父親喜歡的孩子。

Once I digested this insight my feelings changed from those of a needy child to ones of a very proud daughter. Looking at my father more objectively allowed me to view him clearly: he was a man of few words; he was intelligent, kind and extremely modest. Ironically I began to feel closer to him in death than I had while he was alive.
一旦我領悟了這點，我感覺自己一下從一個貪婪的小孩變成了一個驕傲的女兒。更客觀地看待父親讓我更透徹地瞭解他：他是個少言寡語的人；他很聰明、善良而且極其謙虛。讓人諷刺的是，我甚至開始覺得我和他現在的關係比他生前時更親密。

With this new-found wisdom came the freedom to give up trying so very hard to gain the affections of others and to concentrate on finding me. I shattered the family taboo of silence about the break-up of my parents' marriage. I also felt the need to speak out about the detrimental effect I felt my step-parents had had on my life.
這個新發現的人生智慧爲我重新詮釋了自由的定義，我不會再費盡艱辛地去贏取他人的歡心，更不會再以自我爲中心。我打破了家人對父母破碎婚姻三緘其口的家庭禁忌。我也覺得有必要大聲告訴我的繼父母他們曾對我的生活造成的不利影響。

In some ways the consequences have been quite dire and I no longer have contact with my mother. However, Dad's hug had a profound effect on me. It carried me along a path from childhood to adulthood. At last I am my own woman and one who loves nothing better than a good old-fashioned hug.
在某些方面，這可能會造成非常可怕的後果，以致後來母親和我斷了聯繫。 然而，父親的擁抱對我有着深遠的影響。它帶着我走過了從孩童到成人的心路歷程。最終，我找到了屬於自己的真正自我， 而我同時也是一個最愛老式擁抱的女人。