抑鬱的律師 Care from lawyers turned therapists
When work became too much for Will Meyerhofer’s client, a twenty-something associate at a big law firm, she slipped into a quiet room in the office. Then she shut the door, pulled down the blinds and started to weep. Through her tears she became dimly aware of a noise coming through the wall: it was a colleague sobbing in the next room.
威爾邁耶霍弗(Will Meyerhofer)有一名二十多歲的客戶，是一家大型律師事務所的的助理，當工作讓她感到難以承受的時候，她會在辦公室裏找一個安靜的房間悄悄溜入去，關上門，放下窗簾，開始哭泣。淚眼朦朧中，她隱約聽到聲音從牆的另一邊透過來：那是一名同事在隔壁房間裏抽泣。
Mr Meyerhofer tells this story to underline the misery that lurks beneath the successful of some lawyers. “There is something unique about the law partnership structure, billable hours and the brutal competition of a law firm,” he says.
邁耶霍弗用這個故事來表明潛藏在一些律師光鮮表象下的辛酸。“律師事務所的合夥制結構、計費小時制和殘酷的競爭在某種程度是獨一無二的，”他說。
Based in Tribeca, New York, the former lawyer is a psychotherapist who has carved out a niche seeing clients from the legal profession; some who he counsels over Skype are in Britain, Japan and India. There is a steady stream of anxious, burnt out and depressed lawyers coming to see him, he says. While the banking sector has attracted attention for its punishing work conditions, he argues that lawyers can have it worse. In banking, there is an expectation that working life can improve as bankers scale the greasy pole, but this is not the case for lawyers.
這位曾擔任律師的心理治療師在紐約翠貝卡區(Tribeca)工作，他開拓了一個專門針對法律人士的利基市場；一些他通過Skype提供諮詢的客戶遠在英國、日本和印度。邁耶霍弗表示，不斷有焦慮不安、心力交瘁和抑鬱消沉的律師前來找他。儘管銀行業因爲嚴苛的工作條件而受到關注，但他認爲，律師們的情況可能有過之而無不及。在銀行業，升職不容易，不過人們可以寄望於工作狀態或許會隨着級別攀升而改善，而律師們的情況就不是這樣了。
“You’re the equivalent of a banking analyst for all your life. It’s brutal, it follows you home.” This familiarity with legal roles and culture means he is empathetic to lawyers. In therapy sessions with clients, some tyrannical bosses’ names keep coming up.
“你一輩子都在做相當於銀行分析師的工作。工作很辛苦，即使你回家了它也如影隨形。”這種對律師工作和文化的熟悉意味着邁耶霍弗能和律師產生共鳴。在客戶的治療療程中，一些專橫的老闆的名字被不斷提起。
Chicago-based Alan Levin is a co-founder of a practice of lawyers turned therapists who cater to the legal profession. He says that while it is clearly not a pre-requisite to have been a lawyer to understand one, it certainly helps. “A client can refer to something in their experience and they don’t need to explain it,” Mr Levin says.
在芝加哥工作的艾倫萊文(Alan Levin)是這個由律師轉行的心理治療師組成、專門針對法律人士的心理治療所的聯合創始人之一。他表示，雖然曾經擔任律師顯然不是理解律師處境的先決條件，但這樣的經歷肯定是有幫助的。“客戶在提及他們經歷的一些事情時，不用費力對其進行解釋，”萊文說。
The former employment lawyer says that there can be a divide between the corporate and caring professions. A therapist without a corporate background might suggest a client could decline to work on a Saturday. “They don’t understand how impossible it can sometimes feel to turn down work.”
這位前勞工法律師表示，在公司裏工作跟在心理治療所工作可能迥然不同。沒在公司裏工作過的治療師可能會建議客戶，可以拒絕在週六工作。“他們不理解拒絕工作有時候會讓人感覺多麼不可能。”
Mr Meyerhofer, who attended Harvard and New York University School of Law before going to work at Sullivan & Cromwell, in its securities and capital markets divisions, says he did not fit in.
上過哈佛大學(Harvard University)和紐約大學法學院(New York University School of Law)之後，邁耶霍弗進入了蘇利文與克倫威爾律師事務所(Sullivan & Cromwell)，在那裏的證券和資本市場部門工作。他說，自己那時感覺格格不入。
“I hated it. I wasn’t cut out to be a corporate lawyer. It was very competitive, long hours, doing detailed work.” In the end, he was “delicately shown the door”.
“我討厭這份工作。我不適合當公司法律師——競爭非常激烈、加班時間很長、做一些非常具體的工作。”最後，他被“委婉地請走了”。
Today, he looks back and realises he was depressed and anxious. As well as becoming an insomniac, he gained 45lbs as a result of his legal stint. After retraining as a psychotherapist and writing blogs on the emotional fallout of working in the legal profession, he discovered former colleagues who had always seemed happy confessing to anxiety and self-doubt. “I didn’t realise so many colleagues were so miserable.”
今天，他回顧過去，意識到他當時既焦慮又抑鬱。在律所工作的那段時間，他經常失眠，還增重了45磅。在重新接受培訓成爲一名心理治療師，並撰寫博客講述法律職業對情緒造成的影響後，他發現了一些看起來總是非常快樂的前同事坦陳自己感到焦慮和自我懷疑。“我之前沒有意識到有這麼多同事如此痛苦。”
As a therapist, Mr Meyerhofer encounters many clients who, he believes, are subconsciously sabotaging their careers: for example, by talking back to their boss in the hope that they might be paid off. He asks clients: if you were fired tomorrow how would you feel? Relief is a common response.
作爲一名治療師，邁耶霍弗遇到了很多在他看來在潛意識地破壞自己職業前途的客戶：比如，頂撞老闆，暗地裏希望老闆或許會給他們一筆遣散費讓他們走人。他問客戶：如果你明天就被解僱了，你會有什麼感覺？許多人的回答都是：解脫。
Some of his female clients express frustration about being sidelined, sexually harassed and given the office “housework”, such as looking after junior colleagues.
一些女性客戶說自己被邊緣化、受到性騷擾或者被交付照看級別較低的同事等瑣事，因而感到沮喪。
Therapists’ clients are a self-selecting group. They are in therapy because they want help. In any case, not all of Mr Meyerhofer’s lawyer clients feel miserable about work. “Some love law,” he says. Nor would he always advise those feeling trapped by their job to hand in their notice. Tweaks to their role, or a sideways move, might be better.
治療師的客戶是一個自我選擇的羣體。他們之所以接受治療是因爲他們需要幫助。無論如何，邁耶霍弗的律師客戶並非都感覺工作令他們痛苦。“有些人熱愛法律，”他說。他也不會總是勸告那些感覺被工作困住的客戶遞交辭呈。調整崗位角色，或者平級調動，可能會更好。
A common problem Mr Levin, 68, sees among his lawyer clients is what he labels the “curse of unlimited potential”. These are people who have been told they are bright and feel they must live up to their potential. “The curse is it’s unlimited and it can never be fulfilled.”
現年68歲的萊文認爲，他的律師客戶存在一個共同問題，他將其稱之爲“無限潛力的詛咒”。這些人一直被告知他們很聰明，他們感到必須實現自己的潛力。“這之所以是個詛咒，是因爲潛力是無限的，永遠不可能完全實現。”
A former partner at a “magic circle” firm in the City, who is retraining as a psychoanalyst at the Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust, says lawyers can become divorced from their emotions. “On the one hand you have everything and feel nothing.” In the end, she felt the job was inessential yet “vastly overpaid”.
一位倫敦金融城(City of London)“魔法圈”律所（Magic Circle，指英國五大律所——譯註）的前合夥人經過重新培訓成爲了塔維斯托克和波特曼NHS基金會信託(Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust)的心理分析師。她表示，律師可能會自我麻痹，把自己的感覺擱到一邊。“你應有盡有，卻沒有任何感覺。”最後，她感覺這份工作並不重要，卻“掙得太多”。
Anxiety can run high on the topic of compensation, particularly when it comes to bonuses, says Mr Levin. “It’s not about the money,” he insists. “Most would feel better if they were earning half a million dollars and everyone around them earned the same or less, than if they had $1m and everyone else was on $1.6m.”
在薪酬的話題上，尤其是獎金方面，律師的焦慮情緒可能會非常嚴重，萊文說。“這不是錢的問題，”他堅稱，“如果他們掙50萬美元，周圍所有人也或多或少是這個數字，他們會比自己掙100萬美元，而其他所有人都掙160萬美元感覺更好。”
The money, he says, is about validation, particularly important in a workplace where few people receive thanks from clients, colleagues or their superiors.
他說，收入是一種證明，在一個少有人從客戶、同事或者上級那裏獲得感謝的工作場所尤爲重要。
Money and prestige become a trap, observes Mr Meyerhofer. A well-paid senior lawyer frequently expresses anxiety that if she left her job she would be out on the street. Such catastrophising, he says, is far from atypical.
邁耶霍弗指出，金錢和身份地位成爲了陷阱。一位收入豐厚的高級律師常常表達她的焦慮情緒，擔憂她如果不再當律師了就會露宿街頭。他表示，這種杞人憂天的情緒遠非個案。
Sarah Weinstein is based in California and has been a psychotherapist for more than a year, after working as a lawyer for 12 years. The 44-year-old says her clients appreciate the chance to let their guard down. “Lawyers pretend they are fine all the time.” Putting on a confident exterior can be exhausting.
住在加利福利亞的薩拉溫斯坦(Sarah Weinstein)擔任心理治療師已經1年多了，此前她當了12年的律師。現年44歲的溫斯坦表示，能夠放下防備讓她的客戶感覺很好。“律師們要時刻假裝自己狀態良好。”以自信的姿態示人可能會讓人精疲力竭。
Today, Mr Meyerhofer has mixed feelings about going to law school. “I spent a huge amount of money on law school and got depressed. But I have developed a practice out of it.” While having lawyers as clients is more lucrative than janitors, he says he earns the same now as he did when he was a junior lawyer.
現在，對於上法學院，邁耶霍弗感覺複雜。“我當年上法學院花了一筆巨資，結果還抑鬱了。但這段經歷又讓我開辦了一家心理治療所。”雖然爲律師做心理治療師掙的錢比下有餘，但邁耶霍弗說自己現在掙得也就和他當初任初級律師時一樣多。
He is critical of law schools, which he sees as “big cash cows”, believing too many students are admitted who are ill-equipped to become lawyers.
他批評法學院，認爲它們只顧賺錢，太多被法學院錄取的學生其實並不具備當律師的條件。
He advises many law student clients to quit. “A lot of kids are so unhappy.”
他建議很多法學院學生退學。“很多學生非常不開心。”
On occasion, a client will tell Mr Meyerhofer that he is a fraud, whiner or loser: that he is only a therapist because he could not make it in law. He freely admits he was not a great lawyer: “I’m not a complete blithering idiot … I didn’t want to do it.” Moreover, he says, his job allows him weekends off and evenings to himself.
有時也會有客戶說邁耶霍弗是個騙子、抱怨者或者失敗者：他成爲治療師的唯一原因是因爲他在律師界混不下去。邁耶霍弗坦率地承認他不是一個好律師：“我不是一個徹頭徹尾的傻瓜……我不想當律師。”另外，他表示，治療師的工作讓他週末能夠正常休息，晚上也不用加班。
