婚姻亮紅燈時你犯傻了嗎？情感專家非常規作戰保衛愛情大綱

When a couple's marriage is on the rocks, they typically seek advice from friends, family and marriage counselors. After all, what better way to save a failing union than to call on the experts?

當婚姻亮起了紅燈，夫妻一般會從朋友、家人或是婚姻顧問哪裏尋求援助。情感專家也許能給大家支招，幫助問題夫妻們破鏡重圓。

According to relationship expert Mort Fertel, that's precisely the wrong thing to do.“Much of the advice people get about their marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is, it usually doesn’t work,” Fertel said “Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky. The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice you’re following has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for.”

根據情感專家莫特.菲爾特渥的經驗，在處理婚姻問題的時候有很多誤區。“在處理夫妻婚姻問題的時候有許多錯誤的建議。這些建議看來是很好的，似乎合情合理。然而問題在於這些建議往往沒有用。” 莫特.菲爾特渥表示“爲夫妻提供情感幫助是一件複雜的事，你必須很小心，不能單憑直覺去幫助他們解決問題，必須確保你給他們的建議是已經被驗證過行得通的。”

Among the worst advice? Telling your husband or wife how you really feel.

最糟糕的婚姻問題情感建議是什麼？就是告訴你太太或你先生你最真實的感受。

"Sometimes expressing your feelings can be very hurtful to the other person," he says. "[People ask,] 'But shouldn’t I be honest about my feelings?' If honestly expressing your feelings is hurtful to the other person, it’s not honest; it’s stupid, it’s insensitive, and it’s damaging to the relationship."

有人提問：“有時候告訴對方你真實的感受是很傷人的，但是我難道不該坦誠地說出我的真實感受嗎？”那麼情感專家告訴你，“如果你的真實感受會傷害到他她，那麼你說出來是愚蠢至極，非常欠考慮的。這樣只會讓你們的關係更加糟糕。”

What's more, Fertel says that traditional approaches to mending a broken marriage -- like marriage counseling -- are ineffective because of their emphasis on listening, rather than doing. He cites a couple that attended counseling sessions for weeks, and who came out of the experience with a better understanding of each spouse's point of view -- but no actionable steps to fix their marriage.

更重要的是“傳統的解決婚姻危機方法，如婚姻顧問更側重於傾聽，在實際作爲上卻做得很少。這往往解決不了問題。” 菲爾特渥先生說道。他引用了一對夫妻的案例，在雙方經過情感顧問調解達幾周以後，雙方達成的共識是能夠更理解對方,然而對於修補他們的婚姻並沒有起到實質性的幫助。

"Listening is an important skill, both for a counselor and a spouse. But a broken marriage needs leadership. After listening, someone has to have the courage and experience to say, “Ok, here’s what I want you to do,” Fertel says. "Marriages change not because of what people say or how well they listen; marriages change because of what people do."

學會傾聽對於婚姻顧問和夫妻來說是很重要的，然而當婚姻出現了問題，真真需要的是有人出來做點什麼。在聽完傾訴以後需要有人有勇氣站出來說“這是我需要你們做到的...." 菲爾特渥先生補充道“讓問題婚姻出現轉機不是靠夫妻傾訴以及傾聽可以辦到的，這個轉機必須要靠實際行動來實現。”

What he suggests instead are six unconventional steps that run counter to traditional relationship advice.

菲爾特渥先生提出了六條非常規的建議：

go it alone

自己解決問題

Most people think, 'I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.' But it does not take two to tango. One person's effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it's that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship.

很多人以爲“婚姻一旦有問題必須夫妻倆共同解決問題”其實問題不需要兩人一起解決，一個人的力量也能讓你們的婚姻出現轉機。當你做出了努力，你的另一半也會受到鼓勵，加入到挽救你們婚姻關係的行列。

Stop asking yourself the wrong question

別再問自己那些傻問題

Many people wonder, 'Did I marry the right person?' But that's the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe -- like gravity, which governs flight -- there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don't have to be 'lucky in love.' It's not luck; it's choice.

一旦婚姻亮紅燈，許多人就開始問自己“我是不是找錯了人？”這個問題絕對錯誤。婚姻成功與否不在糾結於你是否找對了人，而在於珍惜身邊人。愛情不是什麼神祕的事，和宇宙萬物一樣必須遵循自然規律。飛機飛行要遵循地心引力，夫妻關係也有規律可循，你的行爲決定了你的婚姻質量。不要相信“愛是運氣”這跟運氣無關，跟你自己的選擇如何對待息息相關。

Know that absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

玩消失不會讓你們的心走的更近

That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, and that's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve, which is closeness.

距離產生美？也許高中時代的情侶分開一個暑假後真能有個感情昇華。然而結婚後的你們，特別是婚姻又亮起紅燈的時候，千萬不要以爲在對方面前消失一下可以挽救你們的婚姻，這隻會讓你們越來越生疏，遠走遠遠。

Don't talk about your problems.

不要咬着你們的問題不放

Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn't resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you'll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems; discussions don't.

每次都咬着你們間的問題說啊說，本以爲可以解決問題，其實呢，只能搞得更糟糕，結果就是吵架負氣。另外，在談論你們之間的問題的時候你永遠都覺得自己有理。婚姻中的變數很多是因爲人的變化。所以呢，少說多做。說也只說你會爲挽救你們的婚姻關係怎麼去做，行動可以拯救婚姻，光憑嘴巴說是解決不了問題的。

Don't think marriage counseling is the answer

婚姻顧問不是你們的救命稻草

Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. They talked and talked, but never received tangible practical advice that was simple to understand and easy to implement.

婚姻顧問在很多時候都是不管用的。成功案例少之又少。很多夫妻在接受婚姻顧問幫助以後關係更差。在婚姻顧問的引導下，夫妻兩各自傾訴，然而到最後也找不到一條可行的方法去解決問題

Don't talk to family or friends about your situation.

不要向家人或朋友談論你的婚姻問題

One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it's a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It's a violation of your spouse's privacy and it's wrong.

在婚姻中有一點很重要，就是你們的隱私，所以不要向你的家人以及朋友談及你和你愛人之間的問題。如果你這樣做等於不尊重你愛人的隱私，這可是大錯特錯。