怎樣成爲受歡迎的優步乘客

ON a reporting expedition to Los Angeles recently, I realized I could stop renting cars.

在一次前往洛杉磯做報道的過程中，我意識到自己可以不用租車了。

I would never again have to brave the L.A. freeway behind the wheel. I would never have to obsess, like the characters in the “Saturday Night Live” skit, “The Californians,” about taking the 101 to the 110 and Canyon View Drive over to San Vincente to the 10, then switching over to the 405 North and getting dumped out onto Mulholland.

我永遠無需再勇敢地在洛杉磯的高速公路駕車行駛了。我永遠無需再像《週六夜現場》(Saturday Night Live)短劇《加州人》(The Californians)中的角色那樣，迷戀於從101道開到110道和峽谷景觀道，到聖文森特，再到10道，然後轉入405北道，再到穆赫蘭下車了。

I had Uber.

因爲我有了優步(Uber)。

Even in the land of movie stars, you could feel like a movie star when your Uber chauffeur rolled up. Standing in front of the Sunset Tower Hotel, I tapped my Uber app and saw five little cars swarming around my location. But, suddenly, they scattered in the opposite direction. I stood in the driveway, perplexed. Finally, a car pulled up, and the driver waved me in.

在電影明星的地界，當你的優步司機開車過來時，你也會覺得自己有點像個電影明星。站在日落塔酒店(Sunset Tower Hotel)的門前，我點了點優步應用，看到五輛車圍在附近。但是，突然間，他們向相反的方向四散而去。我站在車道上，茫然不知所措。最後終於有輛車停下了，司機揮手讓我上車。

“Do you know why no one wanted to pick you up?” he asked. “Because you have a low rating.”

“你知道爲什麼沒人願意載你嗎？”他問道。“因爲你的星級有點低。”

(Uber drivers see your rating once they accept the request and then can cancel.)

（優步司機在接受你的請求後可以看到你的星級，然後可以取消單子。）

I was shocked. Blinded by the wondrous handiness of Uber, I had missed the fact that while I got to rate them, they got to rate me back.

我萬分震驚。我只看到了優步神奇的便捷性，竟沒有留意我在給他們打分的同時，他們其實也在給我打分。

Revealing that I had only 4.2 stars, my driver continued to school me. “You don’t always come out right away,” he said, sternly, adding that I would have to work hard to be more appealing if I wanted to get drivers to pick me up.

結果我只有4.2星，這位司機向我解釋說。“你有時候沒有立刻出來上車，”他嚴肅地表示，說我必須努力，變得更有吸引力一些，纔會有司機願意載我。

Uber began to feel less like a dependable employee and more like an irritated boyfriend.

我開始覺得優步不那麼像是一個可靠的僱員，而更像是一個不耐煩的男朋友了。

I know Uber has the image of an obnoxious digital robber baron, a company that plays dirty tricks and proves that convenience “makes hypocrites of us all,” as John Naughton put it in The Guardian, noting that its very name has connotations of Nietzschean superiority. (Travis Kalanick, the C.E.O., coined the word “Boob-er” to describe his greater appeal to women because of his success.)

我知道，優步的形象如同一個令人討厭的數字大盜，不時玩弄卑鄙的花招。正如約翰·諾頓(John Naughton)在《衛報》(The Guardian)上所說，它證明了便捷性“讓我們所有人都成了僞君子”，而它的名字帶有一種尼采式的高人一等的含義。（公司首席執行官特拉維斯·卡蘭尼克[Travis Kalanick]用“妞步”[Boob-er]這個詞來吹噓自己因爲獲得成功而對女性擁有了更大的吸引力。）

But it is a boon for women out on their own — unless you get a driver who harasses you and knows where you live. (After a driver allegedly raped a New Delhi passenger in December, Uber introduced an in-app emergency button in India.)

不過，這個服務本身對女性是一個福音——除非有司機騷擾你，又知道你住在哪裏。（去年12月有名新德里司機被指強姦乘客，之後優步在印度版的應用中添加了一個緊急按鈕。）

What I had loved about Uber was that, unlike in every other aspect of my high-tech world, I didn’t feel judged. My worth wasn’t being measured by clicks, likes, hits, views, retweets, hashtags, Snaps, thumbs-up or repins.

我喜歡優步，因爲它和我使用的其他所有高科技服務有一個不同之處，那就是我覺得不會遭到評判。在它那裏，我的價值不是由點擊、贊、敲擊、觀看、轉推、標籤、SnapChat訊息、頂或Pinterest轉發來衡量的。

Except then I learned that sitting in an Uber car was pretty much like sitting in my office: How much have you developed your audience? How much have you been shared? How much have you engaged your reader? Are you trending?

結果我發現，坐在一輛優步專車裏其實類似於坐在辦公室裏：你培養了多少受衆？你有多少內容獲得了分享？你的讀者參與度高嗎？你上熱門榜了嗎？

I was trending on Uber, all right, and not in a good way. I had avoided Lyft not only because of that pink mustache but because I had heard that you were encouraged to sit up front with drivers and give them fist-bumps. It seemed more like The Flintstones’ car than Cinderella’s pumpkin coach.

我倒是在優步上紅了，但不是因爲什麼好事。我一直對Lyft敬而遠之，不僅是因爲那撇粉紅色的鬍子，也因爲我聽說，它鼓勵乘客坐在副駕駛的位置上，和司機碰拳。它似乎更像《摩登原始人》(The Flintstones)的車，而不是灰姑娘的南瓜車。

But, now, instead of quietly sitting in the back seat of my Uber and checking my phone or reading the paper, I had to start working to charm.

但是現在，我不能安靜地坐在優步專車的後座裏查看手機或瀏覽報紙。我必須開始努力套近乎了。

“Your husband likes oysters?” I enthused to one woman driving me in San Francisco.

“你老公喜歡牡蠣嗎？”我熱情地問舊金山的一位女司機。

“What are the kids up to this summer?” I chirped to another.

“你的孩子們今年夏天有什麼打算呀？”我歡快地與另一個司機聊。

It was starting to have the vibe of friending, liking and sharing on Facebook, and that always gives me acid flashbacks to the ’80s when I was forced to go to my brother’s house and watch slides of his wedding. Finally, my nephew explained that I didn’t need to grovel or gush. I simply needed to say, as I got out of the car, “Five for five.” If I promised to give them five stars — even in the Wild West of Uber X, where the drivers often seem so unfamiliar with the local terrain it’s as though they’ve arrived from Mars — they would give me five stars.

這有一種在Facebook上加朋友、點贊和分享的感覺，並總是讓我回想起80年代被迫去兄弟家觀看他的婚禮幻燈片的難受情景。最後，我的侄子解釋，我並不需要討好司機或表現得很熱情，而是隻需要在下車的時候來句“互打五星吧”。也就是說，如果我答應給他們打五顆星——就算是闖入了Uber X這樣的蠻荒之地，體驗到司機往往對當地路況一無所知，好像他們是從火星來的——他們就會給我打五星。

Bribery. Lies. Cover-up. My Uber app turns out to have all the usual Washington vices.

賄賂、謊言、包庇。到頭來，我的優步應用染上了華盛頓常見的所有惡習。

An article in Business Insider advised giving an extra cash tip and not passing gas if you want a five-star rating. Enough passengers throw up that there’s an official policy. (A fine between $50 and $200.)

“商業內幕”(Business Insider)網站有篇文章奉勸大家，如果想獲得五星，最好給司機一點額外的現金小費，並且不要在車裏放屁。有不少乘客在車裏嘔吐，以至於公司特地制定了這方面的規定（賠償在50到200美元之間）。

Coming from a family of Irish maids, I had been looking forward to the concierge democracy, where we could all be masters of Downton Abbey, butled by drones and summoning staff by just touching our smartphones.

由於來自愛爾蘭女傭家庭，我一直期待着雜役的民主化。到那時，我們就都會成爲《唐頓莊園》(Downton Abbey)中的主人，由無人駕駛飛機服侍，通過輕點智能手機來使喚人。

As The Wall Street Journal recently reported, “There’s an Uber for everything now. Washio is for having someone do your laundry, Sprig and SpoonRocket cook your dinner and Shyp will mail things out so you don’t have to brave the post office. Zeel delivers a massage therapist (complete with table). Heal sends a doctor on a house call, while Saucey will rush over alcohol. And by Jeeves — cutesy names are part of the schtick — Dufl will pack your suitcase and Eaze will reup a medical marijuana supply.”

正如《華爾街日報》(The Wall Street Journal)近日所述，“每個領域現在都有一個優步。你可以用Washio找人幫你洗衣，用Sprig和SpoonRocket找人幫你做飯，通過Shyp來郵寄東西，這樣你就不必親自去和郵局打交道。你可以用Zeel叫按摩治療師（自帶按摩桌），用Heal叫出診醫生，用Saucey讓人送來酒水。通過Jeeves——討喜的名字也是其噱頭的組成部分——Dufl會幫你收拾手提箱，Eaze則會補充你的醫用大麻。”

There is also Luxe, which uses GPS to offer a personal parking valet dressed in a blue uniform who will meet you at your destination and park your car for you.

還有Luxe，可以通過GPS提供一名身着藍色制服的私人服務生，在目的地等着你，爲你泊車。

But they’ll no doubt all have mutually insured destruction rating systems, too, so Saucey will reveal how politely I grab my bottle of Grey Goose.

但是，毫無疑問，這些服務全都擁有雙向評級系統，所以Saucey上的評分可以體現我接過灰雁伏特加(Grey Goose)的時候有多麼禮貌。

I’ve only yanked my rating up a tenth of a point in the last two weeks. I’m hoping Uber’s self-driving cars will like me more. But somehow I think the robots will be even more judgy.

過去兩週裏，我的優步星級只提升了0.1。我希望優步的無人駕駛汽車會更喜歡我。但不知何故，我覺得機器評判起人來只會更加冷酷無情。