你應該忘記的7堂人生課:往前走別回頭

In the past 10 years, I've realized that our culture is rife with ideas that actually inhibit joy. Here are some of the things I'm most grateful to have unlearned:

過去十年裏，我意識到我們的文化雖然充滿了想法卻也抑制了快樂。下面是我更希望不要學習到的東西：

1. Problems are bad.

1. 難題都是壞事。

You spent your school years solving arbitrary problems imposed by boring authority figures. You learned that problems suck. Real problems are wonderful, each carrying the seeds of its own solution. Job burnout? It's steering you toward your perfect career. An awful relationship? It's teaching you what love means. Confusing tax forms? They're suggesting you hire an accountant. Finding the solution to each problem is what gives life its gusto.

在校期間，你總是被無聊的權威人士逼着去解決各式各樣的難題。你開始覺得這些難題太糟糕了。真正的難題是很棒的，因爲每個難題都需要你找到方法來解決它。工作倦怠？這是促使你朝着完美的事業方向邁進。人際關係糟糕？這是教你愛的真諦。各類稅款讓你發瘋？這是在告訴你要請一個會計了。給每個難題找到解決方法也能給你的生活帶來樂趣哦。

2. It's important to stay happy.

2. 保持快樂很重要。

Solving a knotty problem can help us be happy, but we don't have to be happy to feel good. If that sounds crazy, try this: Focus on something that makes you miserable. Then think, "I must stay happy!" Stressful, isn't it? Now say, "It's okay to be as sad as I need to be." This kind of permission to feel as we feel—not continuous happiness—is the foundation of well-being.

解決一個棘手的難題能讓我們很開心，但我們可不能爲了開心而開心。如果這聽起來有點暈的話，那我換個表述：想想那些讓你難過的事情，然後告訴自己“我必須開心”。是不是頓覺壓力山大了？現在你不妨說“該難過的時候就難過”。讓我們的心情順其自然——持久的快樂並不是幸福的基礎。

3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past.

3. 過去深深的傷害了我。

Painful events leave scars, true, but it turns out they're largely erasable. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist who had a stroke that obliterated her memory, described the event as losing "37 years of emotional baggage." Now it appears we can all effect a similar shift, without having to endure a brain hemorrhage. The very thing you're doing at this moment—questioning habitual thoughts—is enough to begin off-loading old patterns. For example, take an issue that's been worrying you and think of three reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let it go.

痛苦的事情總會留下疤痕，的確是這樣，但它們也會隨着時間淡去。神經解剖學家Jill Bolte Taylor因中風失憶了，她把這稱爲失去了“37年的情感包袱。” 其實不需要中風，我們也能經歷類似的情感轉變。你現在正在做的事情——懷疑以往的想法——已經足夠你把過去那些事都翻篇了。比如，找一件曾讓你困擾的事情，再想想三個原因來證明這種想法也許是錯的。你的大腦就會忘記這個困擾。

4. It matters what people think of me.

4. 別人的看法對我很重要。

"But if I fail," you may protest, "people will think badly of me!" This dreaded fate causes despair, suicide, homicide. I realized this when I read blatant lies about myself on the Internet. When I bewailed this to a friend, she said, "Wow, you have some painful fantasies about other people's fantasies about you." Yup, my anguish came from my hypothesis that other people's hypothetical hypotheses about me mattered. Ridiculous! Right now, imagine what you'd do if it absolutely didn't matter what people thought of you. Got it? Good. Never go back.

“如果我失敗了，人們就會看不起我了！”你也許會這樣想。這種想法只會造成失望、自殺和殺人，這是我在網上看到對自己不實的誹謗時體會到的。我把這些和一個朋友傾訴，她說“你現在是因爲幻想別人對你的看法而感到痛苦。” 是的，我的怨恨都來自於我的假設，我假想別人會對我做出一些評價。多可笑！現在試想一下，你將要做的事與別人怎麼想你完全無關。學會了嗎？很好，一直保持下去吧。

5. The pretty girls get all the good stuff.

5. 美女能獲得所有的好東西。

Oh, God. So not true. I unlearned this after years of coaching beautiful clients. Yes, these lovelies get preferential treatment in most life scenarios, but there's a catch: While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them. Almost every gorgeous client had a husband who'd married her breasts and jawline without ever noticing her soul.

天哪，這絕對不是正確的。輔導一些美女客戶時，我才發現這種想法是多麼錯誤。這些可人兒的確能得到更多的生活優待，但不得不提，當每個人看她們的時候，沒有人真正欣賞她們。幾乎每個美女客戶的老公，在意的都是她們迷人的身材和輪廓而非她們的內心。

6. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect.

6. 如果我現在心想事成了，生活絕對很完美。

Check it out: People who have what you want are all over rehab clinics, divorce courts, and jails. That's because good fortune has side effects, just like medications advertised on TV. Basically, any external thing we depend on to make us feel good has the power to make us feel bad. Weirdly, when you've stopped depending on tangible rewards, they often materialize. To attract something you want, become as joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.

想想吧：擁有你想要的一切的人們，也許正在康復中心、離婚法庭和監獄。這是因爲和藥物電視廣告一樣，財富也會有副作用。事實上，所有能給我們帶來快樂的外界東西都會給我們帶來傷害。奇怪的是，當你不再依賴於有形的獎勵時，它們偏偏經常出現。想得到些什麼，就多想想有了它之後生活會多麼快樂。快樂纔是最重要的。

7. Loss is terrible.

7. 失去很恐怖。

Ten years ago I still feared loss enough to abandon myself in order to keep things stable. I'd smile when I was sad, pretend to like people who appalled me. What I now know is that losses aren't cataclysmic if they teach the heart and soul their natural cycle of breaking and healing. A real tragedy? That's the loss of the heart and soul themselves. If you've abandoned yourself in the effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned. Just like that, your heart and soul will return home.

十年前，我仍希望一切如舊，害怕失去。難過的時候我會微笑，假裝喜歡那些我厭惡的人們。現在我知道，失去並不是災難性的，它們能促使內心和靈魂的自然循環那些傷害和癒合。真正的悲劇是什麼？就是失去了內心和靈魂。如果在挽留某個人或維持某件事的過程中，你失去了自己，那就別再堅持了吧。做真實的自己，失去再難過，你的內心和靈魂也會慢慢癒合。