雙語散文:憐憫的力量

【英文原文】

Julie was eight when I first came across her as a psychotherapist. She was silent, refusing to disclose anything about her life at home. I had a sense of her profound hunger as she touched every toy and pressed the dolls into her face in intense embrace. Then she disappeared.

Four years later, when I founded Kids Company, a children's charity, I heard a child screaming at the gate. It was Julie. She was now the carer of her three younger siblings. Her mum and dad did drugs and crime. The children looked hungry, gaunt, dishevelled, and yet Julie was glowing beneath the dirt.

They hadn't been in school since she'd disappeared. Within a month of being with us, her father was imprisoned, leaving her mum without the drugs she needed. She forced Julie into prostitution, pimping her to facilitate her addiction. Julie hid food so she could feed her younger siblings. At night, Julie would shelter her siblings in her bed, while drug-dealers squirted blood on to the walls. One day the police raided the house. Her favourite dog jumped to protect her, and they blew his brains out in front of the kids.

After a year and a half of Kids Company's relentless advocacy, the three siblings were taken into care. Julie was left, negotiating the traumas of her childhood. But here's the rub: 10 years later, she is inspirational. She looks out for the vulnerable children on her estate. She fights for them with breath-taking thoughtfulness. Born into such moral corruption, how did she get to be so ethically extraordinary? And what did Julie know from such a young age that all of us could learn from?

I think Julie discovered something very precious. She understood, early on, that she needed to diminish her own sense of importance so the needs of her younger siblings could be met. The kinder she became, the more energy she accessed. The reward of seeing how potent her compassion was enabled Julie to rise above the victim-position her abusers endeavoured to trap her in. As much as she was harmed, physically and emotionally, they could never corrupt her, because she operated through higher principles of humanity.

I don't want to romanticise her story. Lack of maternal love and the blows from her parents' fists have left Julie with challenges. She is often hyper-agitated. When the bank clerk tells her she has no money she sobs, like a child who's been hurled back into the catastrophic burden of having no food to feed her siblings. Sometimes her sleep is invaded by memories of the sexual assaults she has tolerated.

She could have said: "Life's not worth living, what's the point?" She could have been cruel in revenge for the harm she had experienced. She could have run away . She could have taken her own life. Instead, she aspired towards life. Something made it worth living. It gave her courage, afforded her resilience, channelled her rage and helped her more than "survive".

I believe the capacity to be ethical becomes accessible to human beings when they shed their consumerist skin, when they peel away the layers of defensive achievement, hurrying to get degrees, promotions, money. When you shed this, you become at one with the intuitive laws through which all things alive are organised. At this point of fusion with the greatness beyond "I", people get a glimpse of the essence of all important things. Jung called them "archetypes", the peeled-away fundamentals of life.

Traumatised children often have a unique access into this spiritual dimension. They know intrinsically the fragility of being a person. Julie certainly knew how catastrophic her smallness was. However, she also discovered the space where the rottenness of abuse could not reach her. The space she discovered was a byproduct of her ability to express compassion. Her sense of agency, and her power to fight, came from knowing she could access the unrelenting love that came from just being kind. It's not a bargain or an exchange. It's embodying an expression of the spiritual. I think that's why Julie glowed beneath the dirt. And despite it.

The government has to have the courage to care for the vulnerable without agenda – just for the love of accessing good. This will begin the process of healing, helping the nation rebalance its "emotional economy". The human condition is only meaningful in the expression of love and care for another. Julie knew how to get out of her hell. There is so much we could all learn from her.

【中文譯文】

我第一次見到朱莉是她八歲那年，那時我是一個心理醫生。她很沉默，拒絕透露所有關於她在家裏的生活情況。當她撫摸每一個玩具，並把娃娃緊緊地貼在臉上時，我感到她有一種強烈的渴望。之後，她就音信全無。

四年後，我成立了一家名爲兒童公司的兒童慈善組織，某天我聽到了門口有孩子的尖叫聲。是朱莉。她現在照顧着三個年幼的兄弟姐妹。她父母吸毒、犯罪。這些孩子看起來餓壞了，骨瘦如柴，蓬頭垢面，但朱莉卻出淤泥而不染。

她消失之後，弟妹就不再上學。和我們待了一個月後，她父親出獄了，她母親也沒有了毒品的來源。她便強迫朱莉賣淫，爲朱莉拉皮條來滿足她的毒癮。朱莉藏了一些食物，這樣她可以養活她的弟妹們。晚上，當毒品販子來家搗亂，往牆上潑血時，她會保護她的弟妹們。她最喜愛的狗狗跳出來保護她時，毒品販子當着孩子們的面打爆了它的腦袋。

經過兒童公司一年半的不懈支持，三個弟妹都受到了很好的照顧。朱莉被留了下來，和我們談談她的童年創傷。問題在於，10年之後，她給了我們無窮的啓發。她在家照顧更弱小的孩子。出生在道德淪喪的家庭裏，爲何她有如此高尚的情操？朱莉這麼小的年紀是如何瞭解到我們都應該學習的道理？

我想朱莉發現了一些十分珍貴的東西。她很早就瞭解到她需要打消自身的重要感，這樣就可以滿足她弟妹的需求。她越親切善良，她就越有活力。想看看憐憫之心會有怎樣強大的回報使得朱莉擺脫了受害者的角色，而這個受害者的角色是施虐者竭力設計的。儘管她身心受傷，但是他們不可能使他墮落，因爲她遵循着更高的人性的準則。

我不想誇大她的故事。缺少母愛，吃盡父母的拳打腳踢之苦，使得朱莉面臨許多挑戰。她常常過於焦慮。銀行職員告訴她她沒有錢時她就啜泣起來，就像一個孩子又陷入無法養活自己的手足的悲慘壓力中。有時候，過去她所忍受的性侵犯的夢魘又會侵擾她的甜夢。

她本可以說：“人生不值得活下去？生活的意義在哪裏？”她本來可能因爲她所經歷的傷害而進行殘酷的報復。她本來也許會自我了斷。相反地，她卻對生活充滿了企望。總有一些東西讓生活值得一過。這給了她勇氣，賦予了她韌性，舒緩了她的戾氣，幫助她不僅生存了下來，更要生活下去。

我相信當人脫下消費主義者的皮囊，卸下追求功名利祿的盔甲，擁有道德的能力會讓我們更具人性。當你卸下這些外在之物後，你會成爲一個由直覺規律支配的人，這也是世間萬物有序存在的規律。此刻，若融合了超越”自我”的偉大感，人們纔會窺察到所有重要事物的本質。榮格稱之爲原型，也就是剔除外物的生命的本質。

受過創傷的兒童常常會有進入這個精神層面的獨特方式。他們生來就知道人類的脆弱。朱莉當然明白自己的渺小是多麼的悲慘，她同時也發現了一個齷齪的虐待不可能傷害她的空間。她所發現的這個空間是她抒發憐憫之情的副產品。她的力量感，她的反抗力來自於她篤信只要善良就會產生堅韌的愛。這不是討價還價或是一種交易。這體現了一種精神訴求。我想這也是爲何朱莉能出淤泥而不染的原因。儘管她身處這樣的環境之中。

政府應該有勇氣無私地關心弱勢羣體，僅僅是出於向善的愛。應該從療愈過程開始，幫助國家重新找回“情感經濟”的平衡。人類只有在互愛互助的表達中才有意義。朱莉知道如何將自己從深淵中拯救出來。這也是我們能從她身上學習到的所有東西。