雙語散文:老外直言養兒的回報到底在哪裏

My wife and I have three small children. Chinese friends often ask why three children, not one or none: Doesn’t raising three children limit my career in business and in my wife’s case, teaching?

The acronym DINK -- double income, no kids -- originated in the US in the 1960s. Fearing that children might constrain their freedom, married working women began to avoid pregnancy; the result was many busy, prosperous young DINK couples. This choice was not irrational. After all, nowadays retired people can live on their pensions and savings, so they are no longer compelled to depend on their offspring in old age. And a child is undeniably an expensive proposition: so much time and money are required. Why bother having one? It is hard to condemn those who opt out of parenthood. And in China their decisions are perfectly in keeping with the drive to limit population growth.

Yet few couples with children would agree that they were stupid to become parents. Most are very happy that they have had the experience of witnessing a child grow to maturity. A baby enters the world with a mind like blank paper, and gradually he or she acquires the ability to think, to talk and finally to communicate easily. Isn’t there something magical about it? When you see the process happening before your very eyes, you feel a happiness like no other.

A Chinese DINK said to me recently, "If you didn’t have three children, you could go to a bar or the cinema with your wife on weekends -- how unrestrained and romantic that would be!" But I would say that no matter how wonderful Hollywood films or Broadway performances are, watching them is far less interesting than seeing my extrovert of a daughter sing and dance. If it’s true that there are rewards to be gotten from having children, then surely the happiness of seeing them grow up is the greatest. Another Chinese friend of mine complained: " I provided the funds for my child to go to college and then off to America for a master’s degree, but so far I haven’t gotten any rewards out of playing parent." To him I would say that the rewards were there all along -- for any parent open to the wonder of seeing a child begin to speak, or surprise us with a new word used for the first time.

But this is a happiness that can be felt only after you become a parent; there’s no appreciating it otherwise. However, who begets a child out of curiosity to see him or her grow up? None of my friends had this in mind when they or their wife got pregnant. For some the pregnancy was unexpected. Others had parents eager to have grandchildren. A few said they had children because a person’s life would be incomplete without one. Some said that there were millions and millions of children in the world and they just wanted to see what theirs would be like. And some said that having a child can bring stability to a troubled marriage -- but is that really true? I myself didn’t give it much thought. I just assumed it was the natural thing to do, and since my wife enjoyed big, cheerful, lively families, we went ahead and had three kids. No regrets.

I know my words won’t change any minds. What DINKs say is obviously true: children really do require lots of parental energy and money. Just watch a mother bring a sick child to a hospital; you can see the tension, the worry, and all the self-control it takes to seem calm and reassuring. No, raising a child is not easy. The happiness of seeing a child grow, in contrast, is largely in the mind of the parents, and other people cannot so readily perceive it. Indeed, if I were not writing on this subject for the BeijingYouthDaily, I would be very unlikely to go around telling all and sundry how happy I am to be the father of my trio. Little wonder, then, that so many people without children believe parenthood is all work and no fun.

I repeat: each individual has his or her own reasons for wanting or not wanting children, and his or her own happiness to build. The saddest people are those who have children but come to regret it, for whatever reason. Regretful parents are usually closed to family happiness. And without the happiness, all that remain are the burdens. This kind of family is frequently rocked by conflict, and divorce often ends the story. So any couple who want a child should first be confident that their marriage is sound. Children deserve better than to be the victims of marital crisis.

(本文作者是美國華裔，現在北京工作。他的三個孩子分別是5歲、3歲和1歲。)

我和妻子有三個小孩，中國朋友常問我們，爲什麼要三個孩子———而不是一個或根本不要？養育三個孩子會不會影響我倆事業的發展(我經商，妻子是教師)？

丁克家庭(夫妻二人都工作但沒有孩子的英文縮寫)起源於上個世紀六十年代的美國。由於擔心孩子會限制自己的自由，結了婚的職業女性開始避孕，結果是出現了許多忙忙碌碌而事業成功的丁克夫婦。這種選擇並非不理性。要知道，如今退休後可以靠養老金和積蓄過日子，而不再像過去那樣，老時必須依靠子女。再說，養育孩子是件高投入的事，這一點無可否認———需要付出那麼多的時間和金錢。那何必費心勞神要孩子呢？我們很難指責那些決定不當父母的夫婦。在中國，他們的決定與實行控制人口增長的國策是完全一致的。

不過，在有孩子的夫婦中，很少有人贊成他們當了父母是犯傻的觀點，絕大多數都非常高興自己能親眼目睹一個孩子走向成熟。一個嬰兒來到人世，其頭腦就像一張白紙，漸漸地，他(她)能思考了，能說話了，最後，能與人不費力氣地交流了，這難道不是很神奇嗎？當這個神奇的過程就發生在眼前，你會感到一種無可比擬的快樂。

最近，一位中國“丁克”對我說：“你要是沒有三個孩子，週末與太太去酒吧或電影院———那多自在、多浪漫啊！”可我要說，無論好萊塢的影片、百老匯的表演多麼精彩，都遠不如看我那活潑外向的小女兒又唱又跳有趣。如果說養育孩子確有回報的話，看着他們長大所感受到的樂趣就是最大的回報。另一位中國朋友向我抱怨道：“我供孩子上了大學，又供他去美國讀碩士學位，可到現在爲止我還沒從爲人父母中得到任何回報。”對他的抱怨，我會說，回報早就有啦———任何樂於看孩子開口說話、或看孩子第一次用了某個詞語而引起驚喜的父母，都能獲得這種回報。

但這種快樂只有當你當了父母之後才能感受到，否則不可能真正體會。可是，有誰要孩子是出於想看孩子怎麼長大的好奇心呢？在我的朋友當中，沒有一個是這樣想的。有人懷孕是不期而至，有的是由於自己的父母急於想抱孫子，有的說要孩子是因爲沒有孩子人生就不完整，有的說世上有億萬兒童，就想知道自己的孩子是什麼樣，還有的說，孩子能讓有問題的婚姻穩定———果真如此嗎？我本人倒是沒太考慮要孩子的理由，只是覺得這是一件自然而然的事，而且我妻子喜歡活潑歡快的大家庭，於是就要了三個孩子。我們樂在其中，絲毫不悔。

我知道我的話不會讓任何人改變想法。丁克們說的顯然是實情：孩子需要父母付出大量精力和金錢。看看一位母親帶孩子去看病的情形吧：她緊張，憂慮，還要自我剋制以顯得鎮靜，讓孩子安心。是的，養育孩子絕非易事。與這種人人看得見的操勞相比，看着一個孩子成長感受到的快樂存在於父母的心中，別人無法輕易感受到。實際上，要不是爲《北京青年報》就這一題目寫文章，我不會逢人便說做三個孩子的父親是多麼幸福，而那麼多沒有孩子的人認爲當父母就只意味着辛勞而無任何樂趣也是不足爲怪的。

說來說去，要孩子還是不要孩子，每個人都有自己的理由，有自己所追求的快樂。最爲不幸的是那些有了孩子但出於某種原因卻又後悔的人。這些後悔的父母往往不能感受到家庭快樂。而沒有了快樂，剩下的就全是負擔了。這種家庭常常會被衝突所動搖，往往以離婚收場。所以，任何想要孩子的夫婦首先應確信其婚姻是穩固的。孩子不該成爲婚姻危機的犧牲品，他們理應擁有更好的生活。