經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第21章4

“Didn’t you tell them who we were?”
“Oh yeah. They said it was a great honour. That and something about a restaurant bill and my executors.”
Ford pushed Arthur aside and leaned forward over the control console.
“Does none of this function?” he said savagely.
“All overridden.”
“Smash the autopilot.”
“Find it first. Nothing connects.”
There was a moment’s cold silence.
Arthur was stumbling round the back of the cabin. He stopped suddenly.
“Incidentally,” he said, “what does teleport mean?”
Another moment passed.
Slowly, the others turned to face him.
“Probably the wrong moment to ask,” said Arthur, “It’s just I remember hearing you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up because…”
“Where,” said Ford Prefect quietly, “does it say teleport?”
“Well, just over here in fact,” said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear of the cabin, “Just under the word ‘emergency’, above the word ‘system’ and beside the sign saying ‘out of order’.”
In the pandemonium that instantly followed, the only action to follow was that of Ford Prefect lunging across the cabin to the small black box that Arthur had indicated and stabbing repeatedly at the single small black button set into it.
A six-foot square panel slid open beside it revealing a compartment which resembled a multiple shower unit that had found a new function in life as an electrician’s junk store. Half-finished wiring hung from the ceiling, a jumble of abandoned components lay strewn on the floor, and the programming panel lolled out of the cavity in the wall into which it should have been secured.
A junior Disaster Area accountant, visiting the shipyard where this ship was being constructed, had demanded to know of the works foreman why the hell they were fitting an extremely expensive teleport into a ship which only had one important journey to make, and that unmanned. The foreman had explained that the teleport was available at a ten per cent discount and the accountant had explained that this was immaterial; the foreman had explained that it was the finest, most powerful and sophisticated teleport that money could buy and the accountant had explained that the money did not wish to buy it; the foreman had explained that people would still need to enter and leave the ship and the accountant had explained that the ship sported a perfectly serviceable door; the foreman had explained that the accountant could go and boil his head and the accountant had explained to the foreman that the thing approaching him rapidly from his left was a knuckle sandwich. After the explanations had been concluded, work was discontinued on the teleport which subsequently passed unnoticed on the invoice as “Sund. explns.” at five times the price.
“Hell’s donkeys,” muttered Zaphod as he and Ford attempted to sort through the tangle of wiring.

“你告訴他們，你是誰了嗎？”
“哦，當然。他們說他們感到非常榮幸，就這些，和一點兒關於一張餐館賬單的事，還有就是我的遺囑執行人。”
福特粗魯地把阿瑟推到一邊，身體前傾到了控制檯上方。
“沒什麼能用的控制鍵嗎？”他粗聲說，
“所有控制鍵統統無效。”
“把自動駕駛儀砸爛，”
“那你得先找到它，線纜相連的東西一個都沒有。”
一陣冰冷的沉默。
阿瑟在船艙後部徘徊着，突然間停了下來。
“順便提一句，”他說，“遠距傳物是什麼意思？”
又一陣沉默過去了。
慢慢地，所有人都把臉轉向他。
“也許問的不是時候，”阿瑟說，“我只不過記得不久以前聽你們用過這個詞，我現在提起來只是因爲……”
“在哪裏，”福特長官鎮靜地說，“寫着遠距傳物？”
“喏，就在這邊。”阿瑟指着船艙後部的一個黑色控制箱說，“就在‘緊急’的下面，‘系統’的上面，‘故障’的旁邊：”
緊接着的一片喧鬧中，惟一的行動是，福特長官跨過船艙，來到阿瑟剛纔指的那個黑色小箱子旁邊，反覆戳着上面惟一的一個黑色小按鈕。
一塊六英尺見方的面板在它旁邊滑開來，露出一個隔間。隔間的模樣就像一套組合淋浴設備獲得了新功能，成了一個電工的雜貨鋪；完成_了一半的佈線從天花板上吊下來，一堆被拋棄的元件雜亂無章地扔在地板上，程序操作面板從牆上的窟窿裏垂下來，而它本來是應該在裏面以樽到保護的。
一個“災難地帶”的初級會計師在參觀建造這艘飛船的船塢時，曾經要求工頭向他解釋，爲什麼在這樣一艘只會有一趟重要航程需要完成，而且是尤人駕駛的飛船上，還要安裝一套相當昂貴的遠距傳物裝置。工頭解釋說，這套裝置可以有百分之十的折扣，會計師認爲這並非實質性的原因：工頭解釋說，這是能夠用錢買到的裝置中最好、功能最強、最智能化的，會計師則認爲錢根本就不樂意買它；工頭解釋說，人們可能還是需要進入和離開這艘飛船，會計師則認爲飛船已經有了一扇相當完善的門；工頭解釋說，這個會計師應該去清醒一下腦子，會計師則向工頭解釋說，目前正從對方左側迅速向他接近的東西是對準嘴巴的一記拳頭。這場爭論結束之後，安裝遠距傳物裝置的工作也就中止了，但後來卻在開發票時填上了五倍的價錢。
“該死的蠢貨。”贊福德咕噥道，他和福特試圖清理纏在一起的線路，