《美食祈禱和戀愛》Chapter 30 (62):沒有小孩的生活大綱

I am so surprised sometimes to notice that my sister is a wife and a mother, and I am not. Somehow I always thought it would be the opposite. I thought it would be me who would end up with a houseful of muddy boots and hollering kids, while Catherine would be living by herself, a solo act, reading alone at night in her bed. We grew up into different adults than anyone might have foretold when we were children. It's better this way, though, I think. Against all predictions, we've each created lives that tally with us. Her solitary nature means she needs a family to keep her from loneliness; my gregarious nature means I will never have to worry about being alone, even when I am single. I'm happy that she's going back home to her family and also happy that I have another nine months of traveling ahead of me, where all I have to do is eat and read and pray and write.

有時候我很訝異爲人妻母的是我姐姐，而不是我。我一直認爲應當反過來纔是。我以爲有一屋子小孩叫叫嚷嚷的人應當是我，凱瑟琳則是獨自一人過日子，晚上一個人躺在牀上讀書。我們與小時候所有人所預期的完全相反。儘管如此，我認爲這樣比較好。違反一切預期，我們各自創造出符合自己的生活。她的孤寂天性，意味着需要家庭讓她免於寂寞；而我的羣居天性，則意味着永遠無須擔心孤單一個人，即使單身未婚。我很高興她回到家人身邊，也很高興我還有九個月的旅行在等待我，而在這整段期間內，我只須吃飯、讀書、祈禱、寫作。

I still can't say whether I will ever want children. I was so astonished to find that I did not want them at thirty; the remembrance of that surprise cautions me against placing any bets on how I will feel at forty. I can only say how I feel now—grateful to be on my own. I also know that I won't go forth and have children just in case I might regret missing it later in life; I don't think this is a strong enough motivation to bring more babies onto the earth. Though I suppose people do reproduce sometimes for that reason—for insurance against later regret. I think people have children for all manner of reasons—sometimes out of a pure desire to nurture and witness life, sometimes out of an absence of choice, sometimes in order to hold on to a partner or create an heir, sometimes without thinking about it in any particular way. Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reasons not to have children are the same, either, though. Nor are all those reasons necessarily selfish.

我依然不能斷言自己想不想生孩子。我在三十歲的時候，訝異地發現我不要孩子；回顧當時的訝異，讓我也不敢擔保四十歲時的感覺。我只能說當下的感覺——衷心感謝今天的我是獨自一人。我還知道我不會因爲害怕晚年後悔，而勇往直前去生孩子；我認爲這個動機並不夠強大到讓這個世界有更多的孩子。儘管我猜想人們有時爲了這個理由而生孩子——確保將來不後悔。我想人們生孩子有各式各樣的理由——有時純粹想要養育、目睹生命，有時出於缺乏選擇，有時爲了抓住伴侶或延續香火，有時並不特別考慮任何理由。生孩子的理由並非都相同，也不盡然都是無私的理由。不生孩子的理由也並非都相同，也不盡然都是自私的理由。

I say this because I'm still working out that accusation, which was leveled against me many times by my husband as our marriage was collapsing—selfishness. Every time he said it, I agreed completely, accepted the guilt, bought everything in the store. My God, I hadn't even had the babies yet, and I was already neglecting them, already choosing myself over them. I was already a bad mother. These babies—these phantom babies—came up a lot in our arguments. Who would take care of the babies? Who would stay home with the babies? Who would financially support the babies? Who would feed the babies in the middle of the night? I remember saying once to my friend Susan, when my marriage was becoming intolerable, "I don't want my children growing up in a household like this." Susan said, "Why don't you leave those so-called children out of the discussion? They don't even exist yet, Liz. Why can't you just admit that you don't want to live in unhappiness anymore? That neither of you does. And it's better to realize it now, by the way, than in the delivery room when you're at five centimeters."

我之所以這麼說，是因爲我仍持續思考，在婚姻日漸崩潰的時候，我先生多次針對我提出的控訴——自私。每回他這麼說，我都完全同意，承認罪過，買全部的賬。天啊，我甚至還沒生孩子，卻已在忽略他們，已決定不選擇他們 ，而去選擇自己。我已經是個壞母親。這些孩子——這些有名無實的孩子——經常出現在我們的爭論中。誰來照顧這些孩子？誰和這些孩子待在家中？誰來賺錢養這些孩子？誰半夜起牀喂孩子？我記得在我的婚姻已叫人難以忍受的時候，我曾對我的朋友蘇珊說：“我不想讓我的孩子在這樣的家庭長大。”蘇珊說：“爲什麼不把這些所謂的孩子排除在討論之外？他們根本還不存在呀，小莉。爲什麼不承認你只是不想再過不快樂的生活？你們兩人都不想過啊。而且最好現在就搞清楚，而不是進產房的時候才恍然大悟。”

I remember going to a party in New York around that time. A couple, a pair of successful artists, had just had a baby, and the mother was celebrating a gallery opening of her new paintings. I remember watching this woman, the new mother, my friend, the artist, as she tried to be hostess to this party (which was in her loft) at the same time as taking care of her infant and trying to discuss her work professionally. I never saw somebody look so sleep-deprived in my life. I can never forget the image of her standing in her kitchen after midnight, elbows-deep in a sink full of dishes, trying to clean up after this event. Her husband (I am sorry to report it, and I fully realize this is not at all representational of every husband) was in the other room, feet literally on the coffee table, watching TV. She finally asked him if he would help clean the kitchen, and he said, "Leave it, hon—we'll clean up in the morning." The baby started crying again. My friend was leaking breast milk through her cocktail dress.

我記得大約在那段時間，我去了紐約的一場派對。有一對夫妻，是一對成功的藝術家，剛生小孩，母親正慶祝新作品在畫廊開幕。我記得看着這個女人，這初爲人母的女人，這位我的畫家朋友在招呼派對（在她的頂樓畫室），同時照顧她的初生兒，並討論她的專業工作。我這輩子沒見過看起來如此沒睡夠的人。我永遠忘不了午夜過後她站在廚房，雙手浸泡在堆滿碗盤的水槽，嘗試在派對過後收拾殘局。她的老公（做這樣的描述令我遺憾，我完全瞭解這不能代表所有的老公）在另一個房間，雙腳擱在咖啡桌上看電視。她最後問他能不能幫忙清理廚房時，他說“別理了，甜心——我們早上再收拾吧。”嬰兒又開始大哭。我朋友的乳汁從她的派對禮服漏出來。