一位中年男士的護膚心得大綱

What are you doing in there?” So shouts my wife after I’ve spent getting on for 40 minutes in the bathroom. “I’m, er, exfoliating,” I call back merrily, while walking my fingers along the pots and potions crowding the windowsill. Holy Saint Francis, as Friar Laurence puts it in Romeo and Juliet, what a change is here!

“你在裏面折騰啥呢？”我在衛生間呆了足足40分鐘後，我妻子在外大聲喊道。“呵呵，正在去死皮呢，” 我一邊用手找摸窗臺上堆放的各種瓶瓶罐罐，一邊愉快地回覆道。就是《羅密歐與朱麗葉》(Romeo and Juliet)中勞倫斯神父(Friar Laurence)所說的Holy Saint Francis這類東西，如今的化妝品可謂琳琅滿目，真是今非昔比！

And not just here: men’s beauty products — moisturisers supposedly optimised for male Skin and sold in butch-yet-metrosexual tubs in science-fictional silvers and blacks — have been undergoing a boom. According to Mintel, sales of men’s skincare products rose last year to £95.1m, up from £85.4m in 2012, and are forecast to reach £96.2m in 2014. Men also appear to be hell-bent on not just washing but “cleansing”, not just rubbing but “gently massaging”, on introducing the skin not just to water, but to a very superior scientific product called “aqua” And — that holy grail, that precise incantation marking the line where the marketing departments of cosmetics companies fought the Advertising Standards Authority to a standstill — on “reducing the appearance of wrinkles”. The comforting idea that, as men age, they become more attractive seems not to be endorsed here; anti-ageing is the thing. The holy trinity of Tom Ford’s bumf, for instance, is: “Deep clean, soothe and rejuvenate.”

不僅僅我家的衛生間如此，男士美容用品銷售一直很火爆。這些自詡最適合男士皮膚使用的潤膚霜，以科幻影片中那種銀灰與黑色的男性化都市美男形象銷售。據市場研究機構英敏特(Mintel)統計，去年英國男士護膚品的銷售額上升至9510萬英鎊，而2012年的銷售額爲8540萬英鎊，今年的總銷售額有望增至9620萬英鎊。男士們似乎也不再滿足於單純沖洗，而是“徹底潔淨”；不再單純搓洗乾淨，而是享受“溫情按摩”服務；不再單純用水沖澡，而是使用名爲“aqua” 以及“能徹底消除皮膚皺紋”的高科技爽膚產品——即所謂“聖盃”。化妝品公司營銷部門正是憑藉這神奇產品來對付英國廣告檢測委員會(Advertising Standards Authority)。它們並沒有宣揚這樣的“迷魂湯”：男人使用這款產品後，隨着年歲增長，會越發帥氣之類，而是宣揚抗衰老理念。就像湯姆•福特(Tom Ford)的產品宣揚的那樣：具有三位一體的優點：“深度清潔、輕柔舒適以及重煥生機。”

My grooming regime used to consist of the following. Get into shower. Rub head and shoulders with Head & Shoulders, yodelling happily the while. Rub rest of self with Head & Shoulders too, owing to Boots not yet offering for sale a competitively-priced product called Armpits & Undercarriage. Step from the shower, dandruff-free from top to toe. Towel hair and body. Shave with slightly blunt razor and squirt of Gillette foam. Rinse face. Get dressed.

本人的美容行頭以前由以下產品組成：洗澡時，嘴裏一邊愉快哼着小曲，一邊用海飛絲(Head & Shoulders)撓洗頭髮及搓洗雙肩。由於Boots旗下一款名叫Armpits & Undercarriage的價廉物美的沐浴露還未上市，因此搓洗身體其它部分也使用海飛絲浴液。從頭到腳把頭皮屑沖洗乾淨後，再用毛巾把頭髮與身體擦拭乾；在臉部抹上吉列剃鬚泡沫後，再使用稍鈍些的刮鬍刀修面；最後用清水衝淨後，穿上衣服。

I appraise myself in the mirror from time to time, but not much. Like a lot of men, I am quite vain about my lack of vanity. This is a sore point with my wife, who has long campaigned against stubble and fluffy, product-free hair, but over the years, alcohol, and fags, and toughing out skin that chaps so much in cold weather that my fingers hurt when I type and if I smile, blood runs on to my chin . . . well, they’ve taken their toll. I’m 40. Spring chickens do not buttonhole me in the street with: “Mon semblable! Mon frère!”.

我時不時會站在鏡子前“臭美”，但不算太頻繁。與很多男士一樣，我對於自己不愛慕虛榮這一點頗爲得意，而這是我妻子的“心病”——她一直對我剪平頭、留蓬鬆發以及不用任何護髮素“耿耿於懷”，但這麼多年來，我喝酒、勞累以及皮膚因嚴寒天而大面積皸裂，結果導致我打鍵盤時手指陣陣作痛，每次一笑，下巴頓時就會滲出血來……哎，可把不愛護皮膚的罪受夠了。我今年已屆不惑之年。大庭廣衆之下的年輕人不會對我說：“哥們，咱們可是一夥”。

However, my regime for the past few weeks has consisted of some variant on the following. Get into shower. Rub self with Alexandra Soveral for Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash (£35), yodelling happily. Clean face using Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser (£19), and Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing brush (£155). Rub cheeks with Foreo Luna’s pre-shave vibrating cleanser for men (£145). Pat down cheeks with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil (£205) before shaving with slightly blunt razor. Apply Sisleyum For Men anti-ageing aftershave (£165). Apply Tom Ford For Men Hydrating Lip Balm (£20) to lips. Apply 111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream (£170) around eyes. Squirt a thin orangey gwibble of NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence (£380) into palm and rub it on cheeks and forehead. Follow up with Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Face + Neck Daily Moisturiser (£510, I repeat, £510 for 50g). Wonder about slapping on one of the six or seven other moisturisers I have, then think, “Nah. Wouldn’t want to go over the top, would I?”

但是，過去幾周我的美容行頭已經添了新花樣。洗澡時，可以一邊哼唱，一邊用Alexandra Soveral推出的Men Green Tea and Lime Hair and Body Wash（男士有機綠茶與洗髮沐浴露 售價35英鎊）。清潔臉部，則用科顏氏(Kiehl’s)的Oil Eliminator Cleanser（潔面去油露 售價19英鎊）與Clarisonic Aria 高檔潔面刷（售價155英鎊）。搓洗臉頰時，用Foreo Luna男士振動洗臉神器（剃鬚前使用，售價145英鎊）。輕揉臉頰則先用售價205英鎊的傑米護士的白金剃鬚精油(Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil)，再用稍鈍些的刮鬍刀處理。刮好後，用希思黎(Sisleyum)男士抗衰老乳液（售價165英鎊）。再選用湯姆•福特的男用保溼潤脣膏（售價20英鎊），眼膏則用111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream（售價170英鎊）。擠一些NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素（售價380英鎊）於手掌心，再塗抹於雙頰與額頭處。最後再用傑米護士的白金款臉頸部日用潤膚霜（售價510英鎊，我再強調一下，50毫升裝的售價510英鎊）。塗抹其它六七種潤膚霜時不禁會這樣想：“算了，會不會抹多了呢？”

That is not to mention, by the way, the evening’s jollities: the mud masks and the cooling night-creams, applied with darling little spatulas; the actual glass ampoules of Dr Barbara Sturm’s Molecular Cosmetics Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules (£132 for 7 x 2ml) that I crack open to apply some clear oil (Molecular cosmetics! Cosmetics made of real molecules!) to my uncared-for face. I am acquainted, now, with peptides and eucalyptus oil. I am the fearless absorber of Argireline, the immortal beneficiary of Pitera™ and Clusterin. As regime change goes, all things considered, this makes Baghdad 2003 look conservative.

順便提一下，晚上抹的化妝品還沒算呢：用可愛的小抹刀塗抹黑泥面膜及起清涼作用的晚霜；打開Dr Barbara Sturm透明質酸臉精華液安瓿瓶（劑量爲2毫升，每盒七瓶，售價爲132英鎊）後，給自己的老臉抹上一些清潔用油（這是真正取自分子的化妝品！）。我如今早對肽油和桉油習以爲常，對六胜肽的功效也深信不已，還是Pitera™和叢生蛋白等神奇產品的永久受益者。不斷變換化妝品花樣以及全面衡量後，一下子覺得Baghdad 2003似乎已經過時。

Now I have not been resistant, hitherto, to using men’s beauty products because I associate them with effeminacy. I’m just fine with effeminacy. Mostly I’ve avoided them on the more concrete grounds that I think they are a con, and a pretentious con at that.

如今的我對男士化妝品不再牴觸，因爲我把它們與柔美相關聯，而本人完全能接受之。我規避化妝品，通常是出於更確切的理由——覺得它們是忽悠貨，屬於自吹自擂。

I feel irritated by their barely literate marketing guff (“Terre d’Hermès is a symbolic narrative revolving around a raw material and its metamorphosis . . . ”), their modish ingredients, their stratospheric price tags and their essential sameness: strip out all the pseudoscience and here is (three times in four) a nice-smelling white goo that will make your face slightly greasy for about an hour or two.

我氣不打一處來的是那些文縐縐、廢話連篇的廣告用語（“愛馬仕大地情人男用香水(Terre d’Hermès)的廣告詞最具代表性，說它產自天然原料，具有脫胎換骨之功效……”）、那些時髦的成份、令人咋舌的標價以及大同小異的功效：去除天花亂墜的忽悠，實際就是香氣襲人的白色黏性物，它能讓諸位的臉部稍顯油光上一、二個小時而已。

My theory runs that skin is, basically, waterproof: that’s why we don’t all go like a toilet roll dropped in the bath when we get caught in the rain. And since skin is waterproof, trying to force moisture into it from the outside is the errand of a halfwit, when it is both cost-free and much easier to put the moisture on the inside, in the form of a glass of water.

我的理論是：皮膚從根本上說具有防水功效，這就是爲何我們被雨淋了個落湯雞，也不會像衛生捲紙掉進水裏那樣。由於皮膚防水，所以外抹潤膚品純屬腦殘幹的事，而從內增加溼度（如喝杯水）既便宜、也更容易。

It’s a theory to which I still hold, for the most part. And the first time I put on a Tom Ford For Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask (£45) — and felt my skin go as tight as if I’d smeared haemorrhoid ointment all over my fizzog, then watched my black face dry to a Smurf-like cobalt blue, with the blocked pores on my nose picked out like seeds on a strawberry . . . it was, well. It was a novelty, I’ll give it that.

多數情況下本人仍深信此理論。我第一次塗抹湯姆•福特男士深層清透泥面膜 （Men Intensive Purifying Mud Mask，售價45英鎊）時，感覺臉部皮膚緊繃得就像塗了痔瘡膏似的，然後看到自己的黝黑臉乾燥得變成了藍精靈(Smurf)似的鈷藍色，鼻子上堵塞的毛孔猶如草莓上長的小黑種子，很是顯眼……哎，真是新奇別緻，只能由它去吧。

But I have to confess that my experiment with a grooming regime that would cause American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman to look on in — I fancy — a respectful hush has not been wasted. Lord knows, you have to be not only cash-rich but time-rich to go through with all this palaver every morning; some of us have children to get to school and wives who need to shower.

但我必須承認自己使用各種化妝品的嘗試也算有所收穫，我想它會讓《美國精神病人》(American Psycho)一片中的帕特里克•貝特曼(Patrick Bateman)駐足仰慕。結果怎樣看來只有天知道，但諸位每天早上拾掇自己，不僅得不差錢，還得捨得花時間；有些人每天早上得送孩子上學，有時妻子沖澡還會佔用衛生間。

But I did, actually, quite enjoy it. That eye cream is quite soothing, whether or not — and my money’s on not — the black diamonds have any measurable dermatological effect. I loved the cool gloopiness of Kiehl’s facial exfoliator, with its gritty particles of something glittery suspended in the gel.

但本人事實上卻樂在其中。儘管不知黑鑽石眼霜對皮膚病是否有啥療效（花錢卻是不爭的事實），但用後感覺很是舒爽。我喜歡科顏氏磨砂面膏粘稠液（其中懸浮在凝膠中亮晶晶的磨砂顆粒）抹在臉上的陣陣清涼感。

I even quite liked the musky mineral pong of that unbearably up-itself Terre d’Hermès aftershave (£47). The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème — it comes in a day gel (£70) and a night balm (£81) in pretty blue pots — is very pleasant and not at all greasy-feeling; better, for my money, than the sinisterly gelid boiled-down-horses-hooves consistency of that Platinum moisturiser.

我甚至很喜歡剃鬚後抹的愛馬仕大地情人香水（售價47英鎊）所散發的氣味。用漂亮藍瓶裝的嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保溼霜(The Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème)既有日霜（售價70英鎊），也有晚霜（售價81英鎊），用後效果很爽，壓根不會有油膩感；就我的經濟實力而言，它比白金潤膚霜那種冷颼颼的凝膠體效果好。

I can’t say I’ve ever had much time for shaving oil, even if it is dispensed with Nurse Jamie’s pseudo-medical eye-dropper — you always need more of it than advertised — and it does nothing that good old shaving foam doesn’t. NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence is a not-very-nice-smelling orangey goop. But it’s possible that I’m unconsciously biased against these products on the grounds that they seem the most intelligence-insultingly expensive of all I tried.

我不能說自己有充裕的時間使用剃鬚油，即便它無需使用吉米護士的仿醫用滴管（諸位需要更多量的剃鬚油，而不是像廣告所宣揚的那個劑量），而且比起老式剃鬚泡沫，它的效果實在差強人意。NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素是味道不太好聞的橙色粘稠物。但也可能是本人在潛意識中對這些產品存在偏見，理由是本人試用過的這些化妝品價格實在高得離譜。

And, fair’s fair, the products may not be my idea of a priority for disposable income but they do have some effect. Deep clean? Sure. Soothe? Definitely. Rejuvenate? That’s probably too much to ask of even real science: I have three children under six so I look how I feel, which is 104 years old.

但說句公道話，就本人的可支配收入而言，這些產品可能不會成爲我的首選，但它們的確有效果。深度潔淨？沒問題。用後舒服？完全如此。重煥活力？即便真正科學都難以給出明確答案：我有三位不足六歲的孩子，因此我的形象就是內心的真實反映，我早已未老先衰。

Nevertheless, at least for the first few hours of every day, and probably thereafter, my skin — my now nice-smelling skin — did feel as smooth as the proverbial baby’s bottom. I can vouch for this because I did a comparison with my actual baby’s actual bottom, which is moisturised with Diprobase (£9.99 for 500g).

然而，至少每天開始幾個小時自己感覺很爽，也許以後也會如此，我的皮膚（如今香氣撲鼻的臉蛋）光滑得就象嬰兒的小屁股蛋。我對此信誓旦旦，因爲我真與自己孩子的小屁股蛋作了比較，小屁股蛋因爲抹了滋潤抗菌的藥膏Diprobase（500克裝的售價9.99英鎊）而顯得異常嬌嫩。

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Sam’s beauty basket

山姆的美容行頭

Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Cleanser £19

科顏氏Oil Eliminator Cleanser潔面去油露19英鎊

Clarisonic Aria Advanced Sonic Cleansing Brush £155

Clarisonic Aria 高檔潔面刷155英鎊

Foreo Luna pre-shave vibrating cleanser £145

Foreo Luna男士振動洗臉神器145英鎊

Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum Shave Oil £205

傑米護士的白金剃鬚精油205英鎊

Sisleyum For Men Anti-Age aftershave £165

希思黎男士抗衰老乳液165英鎊

Tom Ford for Men Hydrating Lip Balm £20

湯姆•福特的男用保溼潤脣膏20英鎊

111 Skin Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream £170

111 Skin的Celestial Black Diamond Eye Cream眼膏170英鎊

NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence £380

NuBo Cell Dynamic Bio-Gold Essence精華素380英鎊

Nurse Jamie EGF Platinum 7 Moisturiser £510

傑米護士的白金款臉頸部日用潤膚霜510英鎊

Dr Barbara Sturm Hyaluronic Acid Ampoules £132

Dr Barbara Sturm透明質酸臉精華液安瓿瓶132英鎊

Tom Ford for Men Mud Mask £45

湯姆•福特男士深層清透泥面膜45英鎊

Terre d’Hermès Aftershave £47

剃鬚後抹的愛馬仕大地情人香水47英鎊

Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Day Gel £70

嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保溼日霜70英鎊

Guerlain Super Aqua-Crème Night Balm £81

嬌蘭特效水凝清爽保溼晚霜81英鎊

Alexandra Soveral Hair and Body Wash £35

Alexandra Soveral的男士洗髮沐浴露35英鎊

Total £2,179

總計：2179英鎊