史上最大規模的居家奶爸聚會

DENVER — “Choo-choo-wa! Choo-choo-wa! Choo-choo-wa-wa-wah!”

丹佛——“噗—噗—哧！噗—噗—哧！噗—噗—哧—哧—哧！”

The words — the theme song of a children’s cartoon — were being bellowed by six grown men huddled on a makeshift stage in a hotel banquet room.

六個成年男人擠在酒店宴會廳的一個臨時舞臺上，吼出這些歌詞——一部兒童動畫片的主題曲。

The song leader, an education specialist, held up a baby rattle.

領唱是一個教育專家，他舉着寶貝搖鈴。

“What can we do to encourage play?” he asked the all-male audience.

“我們要怎樣鼓勵孩子們表演？”他向全是男性的觀衆問道。

“Give them alone time,” one man offered.

“給他們獨處的時間，”一個男人提議道。

“Follow their lead,” another said.

“聽他們指揮，”另一個說道。

“Have stuff around that they can interact with,” a third suggested.

“把能跟他們互動的東西放在手邊，”第三個人建議說。

All were correct. And why wouldn’t they be? They were stay-at-home fathers observing a presentation on children and play.

這些回答都對。怎麼可能不對呢？這些人都是居家奶爸，他們正在觀看一個關於兒童和表演的演講。

The men are part of a group called the National At-Home Dad Network, which on an early fall weekend had gathered here for an annual retreat (and a rare night without the kids). The men — 100 in total — had traveled from all over: the Midwest, Canada, Washington State. Over two days, they would attend a workshop on seatbelt safety and bro out at a Colorado Rockies game. They traded recipes — Tex-Mex spaghetti squash, lentil soup, piled into a box in the lobby — and asked questions of a panel of working women. (“Is it weird when your husband gets you a gift with your own money?”; “Who handles your finances?”) The men exchanged email addresses and made plans to meet up in playgrounds across the country.

這些男人屬於一個名爲美國居家奶爸網(National At-Home Dad Network)的組織。今年秋初的一個週末，他們在丹佛舉行年度聚會（這是個難得的夜晚，不用帶孩子）。他們總共有100人，來自四面八方：美國中西部、加拿大和華盛頓州。在接下來的兩天裏，他們將參加一個關於安全帶安全性的研討會和科羅拉多州落基山的一個狩獵活動。他們交換菜譜——美墨邊境風味南瓜意麪、扁豆湯等，這些菜譜都塞入酒店大堂的一個箱子裏——向一個職業女性座談小組提問（ “如果你丈夫用你掙的錢給你買了個禮物，你會覺得彆扭嗎？”；“誰管理你的財務？”）他們交換電子郵件地址，計劃在美國各地的遊樂場再次聚會。

By Sunday, they left, as the convention organizer put it, “better men, better husbands, better fathers.” It was the largest gathering of stay-at-home fathers ever, according to the organizers.

正如聚會組織者所說，他們週日離開時變成了“更好的男人，更好的丈夫，更好的父親”。據組織者們說，這是史上最大的居家奶爸聚會。

Some may wonder why fathers need a convention at all. But these men said the answer was simple: They wanted other dads to talk to.

有些人可能想知道爲什麼父親們需要聚會。但是這些男人說，答案很簡單：他們想和其他奶爸交流。

At-home mothers have every support resource in the book, as well as a changing vernacular for how to refer to them (they too are “working moms”). Yet when it comes to dads who are the primary caretakers of their children — a group that is growing swiftly, both in size and visibility — the resources remain dismal. Few books. Fewer community groups.

全職媽媽可以在書中找到所有撫養方法，她們還有另一個稱呼（“職業母親”）。但是對於在照顧孩子中承擔主要責任的父親們來說——不管在規模還是可見度方面，這個人羣在快速增長——這些資源仍然很少。幾乎沒什麼書。相關的社團更少。

“You’ll hear many guys describe it: I’m alone on an island in a vast sea,” said Jim O’Dowd, the conference organizer, who is a former mechanical engineer and a father of four. “There’s no history, no social structure, no guidebook. A guy jumps into this blind.”

“你會聽到很多男人這樣說：我像是孤身一人在茫茫大海的一個小島上，”聚會組織者吉姆·奧多德(Jim O’Dowd)說。他曾是機械工程師，現在是四個孩子的父親。“沒有關於我們的歷史或社會結構，也沒有指南書。我們是兩眼一抹黑，跳入了這個未知的世界。”

And yet, he is also more visible than ever. According to a June study by the Pew Research Center, stay-at-home dads now account for more than 16 percent of at-home caretakers, a number that has more than doubled over the past decade (and still does not factor in dads who work part time).

但是現在，他們的可見度增高了。據皮尤研究中心今年6月份的一項調查，如今超過16%的幼兒是由居家奶爸照顧的，這個數字在過去十年裏增長了一倍多（這還不包括兼職工作的奶爸）。

By no means are single-earner households the norm in this country. And yet along with women’s economic rise — 23 percent of wives now outearn their husbands — has emerged a new kind of male caretaker: the out-and-proud involved dad.

在美國，夫妻一方賺錢養家不再是主流。但是，隨着女性經濟收入的提高——如今23%的妻子掙的錢比丈夫多——出現了一種新型男性看護人：公開承認並以此爲榮的奶爸。

Sure, he raises his children differently than a woman would. But he’s also there by choice. He isn’t a product of the recession, necessarily. And, according to a Boston College survey, a majority of his full-time working brothers wish they could join him — if their wives’ incomes only allowed.

當然，他們照顧孩子的方式跟女人不同。但他們也是主動做出這種選擇的。他們不一定是經濟衰退的產物。據波士頓學院的一項調查，那些全職工作的男人們大多希望能加入這個行列——如果妻子的收入允許的話。

“There’s been a feeling for a long time that dads are not capable, that if dads are in the home, moms are still directing, that dads are not interested in that caretaker role,” said Matt Schneider, a 39-year-old former teacher who had traveled to the convention from New York, where he is a founder of a dads group with 1,100 members. “That doesn’t jibe with what we see every day.”

“長期以來，人們一直覺得爸爸們照顧不好小孩；爸爸們在家照顧孩子時，仍需媽媽們指導；爸爸們對照顧孩子這個角色不感興趣， ”39歲的馬特·施耐德(Matt Schneider)說。他當過老師，從紐約趕來參加這次聚會。他在紐約創立了一個奶爸團體，有1100名成員。“那與我們每天看到的情況不符。”

The roots of the National At-Home Dads Network actually began two decades ago, with a dissertation project at Oakton Community College in Des Plaines, Ill. Robert Frank, now the chairman of the college’s behavioral and social science department, was working toward his Ph.D. in psychology while caring for his two children. When asked one day by a professor what he did for a living, he replied without thinking twice, “I’m a stay-at-home dad.”

美國居家奶爸網實際上起源於20年前伊利諾伊州德斯普蘭斯市奧克頓社區大學(Oakton Community College)的一個論文項目。羅伯特·弗蘭克(Robert Frank)如今是該大學行爲與社會科學系的主任。當時他一邊照顧兩個孩子，一邊攻讀心理學博士學位。有一天，一位教授問他以什麼爲生，他不假思索地回答道， “我是居家奶爸。”

She stared back at him, wide-eyed. “I’ve never heard that phrase before,” she told him. “You’ve just found your dissertation topic.”

那位教授吃驚地注視着他。“我從沒聽過這個詞， ”她說， “你的博士論文可以以此爲主題。”

Over the next two years, Mr. Frank surveyed 371 men who said they were the primary caregivers to their children, and determined that 63 percent said they felt isolated versus 37 percent of mothers in the same position. He began a series of at-home dad meetings — before the days of Google, their existence spread by word of mouth — and his findings culminated in a book, “Parenting Partners,” which publishers told him could not have just “dad” in the title.

在接下來的兩年裏，弗蘭克調查了自稱孩子主要照顧者的371位父親，發現其中63%的人覺得孤獨，而處於同樣位置的母親們只有37%有這種感覺。他開始組織一系列居家奶爸聚會。在谷歌出現之前，他們靠口口相傳才知道彼此的存在。他把自己的發現寫成了一本書，名叫《養育孩子的父母》(Parenting Partners)，出版社說書名中不能只有“爸爸”。

His group fizzled somewhere around the 10-year mark, in part because his children were grown by then. He piled his old research notes in boxes in the garage, and moved on to other issues. He said he rarely gives interviews on the subject.

大約十年後，他的團體解散了，部分原因是他的孩子們那時已長大。他把舊調查筆記堆在車庫的箱子裏，轉向了其他主題。他說自己幾乎沒有就這個主題接受過採訪。

And yet Mr. Frank had started a movement that endures. In recent months, the engaged father has become a subject in men’s magazines, as well as a bevy of advertisements (among them: Cheerios and Tide). At Boston College, the study of the “New Dad,” as it’s called, is now the major focus of the university’s Center for Work and Family. At the dads’ convention, researchers from Notre Dame and Arizona State were looking at stay-at-home dads in the context of social class and identity.

但是弗蘭克開創了一項延續下來的活動。最近幾個月，忙碌的奶爸成了男性雜誌和很多廣告的主題（比如，Cheerios麥圈和汰漬）。如今，關於“新爸爸”的研究成爲波士頓學院工作與家庭研究中心的主要關注點。在奶爸聚會中，來自聖母大學和亞利桑那州立大學的研究者正從社會階層和身份認同的角度審視居家奶爸。

And while there is new research showing that the daughters of active fathers are healthier and have higher self-esteem, the research has not focused just on the positive. A study at the University of Toronto recently determined that the so-called “motherhood penalty” — the idea that moms are penalized at work — applies to men, too, only worse. While women who talked about their children at work were deemed worse employees but better women (read: taking on their feminine role), men who talked about being a parent at work were viewed as both lesser workers and lesser men.

雖然有新研究表明，積極的父親養育的女兒更健康、更自信，但是研究不只關注這些正面影響。多倫多大學最近的一項研究發現，所謂的“母性的懲罰”——認爲媽媽們在工作中處於不利地位——也適用於男人，而且情況更糟。在工作中談論孩子的女人被認爲是較差的員工、較好的女人（也就是說：她承擔女性角色），但是在工作中談論爲父之道的男人既被認爲是較差的員工，也被認爲是較差的男人。

“Has there been an attitudinal shift? Yes,” said Brad Harrington, the executive director of the Center for Work and Family. “But we’re still in a period of transition.”

“人們的態度有沒有變化？有，”工作與家庭研究中心的執行總監布拉德·哈林頓(Brad Harrington)說，“但是我們仍處於轉型期。”

For its part, this dads’ network is working to change the stigma. Today there are subsets of the group all across the country, including men who gathered in five cities last month to celebrate “International Babywearing Week” (that is, a week to honor parents with small children strapped to their chests). One member hosts a conference for dad bloggers, called the Dad 2.0 Summit, and the network’s president, Al Watts, recently published an essay collection with Hogan Hilling called “Dads Behaving Dadly.”

美國居家奶爸網正在努力改變這種偏見。如今，該組織在美國各地有很多分部，包括上個月在五個城市聚會慶祝“國際嬰兒揹帶周”（International Babywearing Week，旨在表彰把小孩捆在胸前的父母們）的奶爸們。其中一個成員爲奶爸博主們舉辦了一次大會，名爲奶爸2.0峯會(Dad 2.0 Summit)。最近，美國居家奶爸網的主席阿爾·沃茨(Al Watts)和霍根·希靈(Hogan Hilling)出版了一個文集，名叫《盡爲父之責的父親們》(Dads Behaving Dadly)。

A couple of years ago, when Huggies created an ad that many of the men found offensive — the idea was to put the diapers up to a bumbling “Dad Test” — the men got together and wrote the company with their objections. Huggies pulled the ad, and was even a sponsor at this year’s conference.

幾年前，好奇公司(Huggies)發佈了一個廣告，把換紙尿褲加入一個笨拙的“爸爸測試”(Dad Test)中，很多男人覺得遭到冒犯，他們聚集起來，給該公司寫信表示抗議。好奇公司撤了那個廣告。它是今年奶爸大會的贊助商之一。

That camaraderie was in full display in Denver. Mr. Watts played master of ceremonies, while Greg Washington, a part-time football coach in Madison, Wis., encouraged men to share photos of their children. A dad who works part time as a graphic artist designed the program, and the opening video montage — a mash-up of news clips about modern fatherhood — was created by a dad, too. (At the end: a female newscaster asking, “Is dad the new mom?” To which a chorus of male voices shouted at the projector, “No!”)

這種同志情誼在丹佛的大會上得到充分體現。沃茨擔任主持人；威斯康星州麥迪遜縣兼職橄欖球教練格雷格·華盛頓(Greg Washington)鼓勵男人們分享孩子們的照片。一位兼職做美術設計的奶爸設計了這個項目，而開幕的視頻剪接片也是一位奶爸製作的，它是關於現代父性的新聞視頻剪輯（在視頻末尾，一位新聞評論女主持人問道，“奶爸就是新型媽媽嗎？”男人們對着投影儀一起喊道：“不是！”）。

But these men are used to that question, or at least what it represents. They see it at the playground as they scan the grass for other dads to talk to, or from male friends who, as Mr. Washington put it, “don’t always get it.” They hear it in the innocent question from a neighbor — “Are you babysitting today?” — or the pediatrician who asks, “Should I speak with your wife?”

但是這些男人已經習慣了這種問題，或者至少習慣了這種境況。他們在遊樂場四處巡視也未必能找到可以交談的奶爸；或者如華盛頓所說，“並不是所有的”男性朋友“都能理解”。某個鄰居無意中會問：“今天你當保姆嗎？”兒科醫生會問：“我應該跟你妻子商量嗎？”

Mr. Harrington, of Boston College, recalled a story from a few years back in which a man he knew — carrying his baby snuggled under his jacket on a cold day — emerged from a park trail to a circle of police officers because he looked suspicious.

波士頓學院的哈林頓想起了幾年前的一個故事：在一個寒冷的日子，一個他認識的男人讓幼兒依偎在大衣裏面，走在一條公園小徑上，一圈警察攔住了他，因爲他看起來很可疑。

“One of our first dads meetups was at the Whitney Museum,” said Mr. Schneider, a father of two. “There were five of us with our babies, having lunch. It was like we were one of the exhibits. We had people coming up to us saying, ‘What is this?’ ”

“我們早期的奶爸聚會有一次在惠特尼博物館舉行，”施耐德說。他有兩個孩子。“我們五個男人帶着孩子一起共進午餐。弄得好像我們就是一項展覽。有人走過來問：‘這是什麼展覽？’ ”

The good news is that the culture has started to catch up. In April, Daniel Murphy, the Mets second baseman, ignited a fury of radio chatter after missing two games to be at home with his wife and newborn son. When the chief executive of MongoDB Inc., a software firm, announced that he would step down this year to spend more time with his family, he noted that, “As a male C.E.O., I have been asked what kind of car I drive and what type of music I like, but never how I balance the demands of being both a dad and a C.E.O.”

好消息是風氣開始改變了。今年4月，大都會棒球隊的二壘手丹尼爾·墨菲(Daniel Murphy)爲了在家陪妻子和剛出生的兒子未參加兩場比賽，在電臺引發輪番批評。MongoDB軟件公司的首席執行官宣佈今年將辭職，花更多時間陪伴家人。他提到，“作爲一名男性首席執行官，有人問我開哪種車，喜歡哪種音樂，但是從來沒人問我如何同時履行做父親和做首席執行官的責任。”

Companies like Facebook and are among a group that have begun to offer generous paternity leave policies, and as a 2014 survey of dads revealed, 89 percent said it would be an important criterion in looking for a new job.

Facebook和等公司開始提供慷慨的產假政策，2014年的一項關於父親的調查顯示，89%的父親說，這將會成爲找工作時的一項重要考慮因素。

And then there are the fathers who are wearing their dad badges each day, proudly.

另外就是這些每天自豪地頂着奶爸頭銜的父親們。

“Find somebody you don’t know and thank them for coming here today,” Mr. Watts prompted the conference attendees, each of whom got a gift bag (a water bottle and beef jerky) underneath his seat. Good-natured heckling was allowed, but only because each of these men shared a kind of understanding.

“尋找你不認識的人，感謝他們今天到這裏來，”沃茨鼓勵與會者這樣做。每個人的座位下都有一個禮物袋（一個水瓶和牛肉乾）。這裏允許善意的詰問，因爲他們相互理解。

“You know, anybody who cares about their kid can learn to change diapers and do laundry and cook — and all of those things that are part of being an at-home parent,” Mr. O’Dowd said. “But you can’t overcome social stigma on your own. So while we want guys to feel like they can come here and bond with each other, we also want to enlighten the world a little bit. To say, you know, dads can do this gig, too.”

“你知道，任何關愛孩子的人都能學會換紙尿褲、洗衣服和做飯——所有這些都是做全職父母的責任，”奧多德說，“但是僅憑一己之力無法改變社會偏見。所以我們想讓奶爸們知道自己可以來到這裏，建立聯繫，我們也想讓這世界更開明一點。也就是說，你知道，爸爸們也能勝任這項工作。”