美國文化習俗精粹 第10期:Friendship 美式友誼

Steve and Yaser first met in their chemistry class at an American university. Yaser was an inter-national student from Jordan. He was excited to get to know an American. He wanted to Learn more about American culture. Yaser hoped that he and Steve would become good friends.

At first, Steve seemed very friendly. He always greeted Yaser warmly before class. Sometimes he offered to study with Yaser. He even invited Yaser to eat lunch with him. But after the semester was over, Steve seemed more distant. The two former classmates didn't see each other very much at school. One day Yaser decided to call Steve. Steve didn't seem very interested in talking to him. Yaser was hurt by Steve's change of attitude. "Steve said we were friends," Yaser complained. "And I thought friends were friends forever."

Yaser is a little confused. He is an outsider to American culture. He doesn't understand the way Americans view friendship. Americans use the word friend in a very general way. They may call both casual acquaintances and close companions "friends". Americans have school friends, work friends, sports friends and neighborhood friends. These friendships are based on common interests. When the shared activity ends, the friendship may fade. Now Steve and Yaser are no longer classmates. Their friendship has changed.

In some cultures friendship means a strong life-long bond between two people. In these cultures friendships develop slowly, since they are built to last. American society is one of rapid change. Studies show that one out of five American families moves every year. American friendships develop quickly, and they may change just as quickly.

People from the United States may at first seem friendly. Americans often chat easily with strangers. They exchange information about their families, hobbies and work. They may smile warmly and say, "Have a nice day" or "See you later." Schoolmates may say, "Let's get together sometime." But American friendliness is not always an offer of true friendship.

After an experience like Yaser's, outsiders may consider Americans to be fickle. Learning how Americans view friendship can help non-Americans avoid misunderstandings. It can also help them make friends the American way.

Here are a few tips on making friends with Americans:

1. Visit places Americans enjoy: parties, churches, Western restaurants, parks, sports clubs.

2. Be willing to take the first step. Don't wait for them to approach you. Americans in China may not know you speak English. They may be embarrassed if they can't speak your language.

3. Use small talk to open the conversation. Ask them where they're from, why they came to China, etc. Remember: Be careful to avoid personal questions about age, salary, marital status and appearance.

4. Show an interest in their culture, their country or their job. (Americans like to talk about themselves!)

5. Invite them to join you for dinner or just for coffee or tea. Try to set a specific time. Americans sometimes make general invitations like "Let's get together sometime." Often this is just a way to be friendly. It is not always a real invitation.

6. Don't expect too much at first. Maybe they're just being friendly. But maybe they do want to be your good friends. It will take time to tell.

People like Yaser shouldn't give up trying to make American friends. Americans do value strong, life-long friendships, even with non-Americans. When making friends, it helps to have a good dose of cultural understanding.

史帝夫和亞瑟最初是在一所美國大學的化學課上認識的。亞瑟是從約旦來的國際學生。他很興奮能夠認識美國人，他要更多學習美國文化；亞瑟希望他和史帝夫會成爲好朋友。

剛開始史帝夫似乎非常友善，上課前他總是熱情地和亞瑟打招呼，有時他和亞瑟一起讀書；他甚至邀請亞瑟一起共進午餐。但是學期結束後，史帝夫似乎較冷淡了，這兩個以前的同學在學校不常碰面了。有一天，亞瑟決定打電話給史帝夫，史帝夫似乎沒有興趣和他講話，對於史帝夫態度的改變，亞瑟感到受傷害。「史帝夫曾說我們是朋友，」亞瑟抱怨，「而且我認爲一朝是朋友就永遠是朋友。」

亞瑟有點困惑了，對於美國文化，他是個局外人（外行）。他不瞭解美國人對友誼的看法。美國人把「朋友」這個字用得非常廣泛，一般的泛泛之交和親密夥伴都算是朋友。美國人的朋友包含有學校的朋友、工作的朋友、運動的朋友或是街坊鄰居。這些友誼都是建立在共同的興趣上，當共同從事的活動結束時，友誼也可能跟着消失了。現在，史帝夫和亞瑟不再是同學，他們的「友誼」也就改變了。

在一些文化裏，友誼意即兩人之間一種強烈的，一世之久的情感。在這些文化裏，友誼發展得慢，因爲要持久。但美國是個急速變化的社會，有些研究發現每年每五個美國家庭之中，就有一個家庭搬家。美國人的友誼建立得快，但也可能改變得快。

從美國來的人可能剛開始看起來很親切。美國人常能很容易地和陌生人聊天，他們交換關於自己的家庭、興趣和工作的個人資料，他們可能熱情地微笑說「祝你有愉快的一天」或是「待會兒見」，而同學也許會說「我們找一天聚聚」，但是美國人的友善並不意謂真正的友誼。

經過像亞瑟的經歷之後，局外人也許會視美國人爲善變的。瞭解美國人如何看待友誼，能夠幫助非美國人士避免誤會，也能幫助他們以美國人的方式交朋友。

以下是一些和美國人交朋友的祕訣：

1.到一些美國人喜歡去的地方：宴會、教會、西餐廳、公園和健身房。

2.樂意跨出第一步，不要等他們來接近你。在中國的美國人不知道你會不會講英語。如果他們不會講你的語言，他們可能覺得不好意思。

3.以閒聊來展開話題，問他們來自哪裏，爲什麼到中國等等。切記：注意避免非常私人的問題，例如年齡、薪水、婚姻狀況和長相。

4.對他們的文化、國家或者工作表示興趣。（美國人喜歡談論自己）

5.邀請他們和你一起吃飯或喝茶。要講定時間，否則，美國人有時會用一些一般性的邀請，像「找個時間聚聚吧！」，但這只是表示友善的方法而非真正的邀請。

6.不要一開始就對你們的友誼期待太多，也許他們只是表示友善，但也可能他們真的要做你的好朋友，這需要時間證明。

像亞瑟一樣的人不應放棄交朋友，美國人還是看重強烈，一生之久的友誼，即使是和非美國人士。交朋友時，對於文化有某種程度的瞭解將會有所幫助。