隨筆: 七個忠告讓你感情長長久久
摘錄:當你想到“可持續”這個詞時,會有什麼浮現於你的腦海之中呢?——全球變暖,綠色生活,在節能減排中貢獻你的應盡之力?那麼感情之事呢?我們是否應該讓段段舊關係“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有機單純”的人們交往?並非如此,不是的。雖然這概念挺新奇的,但對於我們大多數人來說,這樣的做法似乎並不大合情理,要知道在我們的文化裏,大家還是傾向關係多多,“感情印跡”大大的。
生活隨筆: 七個忠告讓你感情長長久久
When you think about sustainability, what comes to mind—global warming, going green, doing your part to lessen your1)carbon footprint? How about relationships? We should 2)compost old relationships and only get involved with 3)organic people? Not exactly, no. Although the concept is 4)intriguing, this would be 5)implausible for most of u given our cultural 6)proclivity towards big “relationship footprints.”
If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability”—especially if they have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture, and grow rather than watch die prematurely or unexpectedly? Instead of all that energy most of us spend putting ourselves “7)out there” on the emotional limb—oftentimes left with nothing more than a “seed”, or perhaps less some seed 8)as the case may be—let’s 9)wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more 10)optimally attract and create healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable relationship ones that have the greatest potential for an amazing harvest, season after season to come.
當你想到“可持續”這個詞時,會有什麼浮現於你的腦海之中呢?——全球變暖,綠色生活,在節能減排中貢獻你的應盡之力?那麼感情之事呢?我們是否應該讓段段舊關係“混成堆肥”,只同那些“有機單純”的人們交往?並非如此,不是的。雖然這概念挺新奇的,但對於我們大多數人來說,這樣的做法似乎並不大合情理,要知道在我們的文化裏,大家還是傾向關係多多,“感情印跡”大大的。
如果你與人有過一些交往——特別是經歷過那些在某種程度上讓你飽受痛苦或折磨的關係,你就會知道我所謂的“可持續”是什麼意思了。但反之,如果有些感情是你希望能夠維持下去,繼續培養並不斷加深,而非看着它們早早夭折或意外中斷的呢?假使我們大多數人用盡全身氣力卻使自己“毫無保留”地處於情感的困境——時常除了一顆“種子”什麼都沒留下,或者也許連種子都沒有,這個得視情況而定——我們還是別傻了,把那些“種子”變成智慧吧。我們還是學習如何“滋潤”自己的人生吧,這樣我們才能夠更有吸引力,並創造更加健康、更加圓滿和可持續發展的感情關係——擁有最大潛力,能在將來的日子裏開花結果的感情關係。
Relationships can be complicated given the myriad of unique 11)nuances that make up any one individual and the layers of experiences that create the 12)filters we each see reality through. The real13)enigma seems to be a matter of skill and planning—how to create an optimal climate for potential growth within this human complexity. Just like plant relationships grow and flourish under optimal circumstances and care. So, here are some 14)pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (15)platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
人際關係有可能會很複雜,想想,每個人都有着種種獨一無二的微妙個性,重重經驗閱歷創造出各不相同的“濾鏡”以觀察現實世界。其中真正的奧祕似乎在於技巧和計劃——如何營造最佳的氛圍讓感情在這人間迷陣裏發展潛能?就如同植物一樣,感情關係也要在最佳的環境以及呵護中才能成長綻放。以下是一些教你如何維持各種良好感情關係(純友誼關係或其他關係)的忠告,前提是你已謹慎地選擇好你想要交往的對象:
1. Respect: If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling; it’s a way of behaving!
1. 尊重:如果你不尊重他人,你就沒有機會獲得真正而持久的親密關係(恕我直言)。如果你尊重你自己,那麼你就要雙倍尊重他人。但不要只是口頭上說說而已——這是要靠行動表達的。尊重不是一種感覺,而是一種行爲方式!
2. Responsible communication: You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher say “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?
2. 可靠的溝通:與他人交流想法、表達感受,不論要用何種語調,從英語語言(或者你使用的任何語言)中選擇哪個字詞,其決定權都在你手上,所以一定要謹慎選擇。如果你沒有說實話或者說明你想要什麼,那你就不能責備任何人。我的一位老師說過:“我們總是在做着以下兩件事之中的一件:形成隔閡或建立聯繫。”你打算怎麼做呢?
3. Integrity: Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t 16)BS yourself. Nobody trusts a 17)flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!
3. 誠實:當你說你打算要做什麼的時候,你就要儘自己的一切可能,做到言出必行。不要對自己胡說八道。沒有人會信任一個反覆無常的人,也不會有人希望把他們脆弱的心靈託付給言而無信的人。如果你愛某人,尊敬他/她,就要以行動表示!
4. Compatibility: If you are mad about the outdoor can’t live without reality TV, are a 18)screaming liberal, or 19)abhor people who over-20)accessorize or don’t keep up on current event then you probably wouldn’t want to 21)hang out with…me, for example. Just because someone has good 22)energy doesn’t mean you can do well together in real life. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure they match or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored, and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make a person someone they are not!
4. 相容性:如果你瘋狂熱衷戶外活動,離開了電視真人秀節目就活不下去,是一個徹頭徹尾的自由主義者,厭惡別人打扮得過於花枝招展,討厭別人對當前時事一無所知,那麼你可能不會願意同某些人在一起,比如說……我。就因爲某人能力出衆,並不意味着你們在現實生活中能和睦相處。要觀察人們做些什麼,而不僅僅是他們說些什麼。確認他們和你是一路人,不然你就會相當失望,最後感到無趣甚至憎惡。在這個星球上生活着70億人——多觀察一些人,而且不要試圖徹底改造別人!
5. Compassion: 23)Walked a mile in their shoe have you? I recommend, before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all: understand as much as you want to be understood. Old 24)adage for a reason. “’Cause it’s a 25)damn good one!”
5. 將心比心:要設身處地爲他人着想,你能做到嗎?我建議,在你對你說你愛的人自以爲有多瞭解之前,最濃烈的表達愛意的行動之一就是:如同你有多麼渴望被人瞭解一樣,你應該多多去了解別人。這老話說得好。“因爲它真是太好了!”
6. Expectations: The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing.26)Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.
6. 期望:在一切感情關係中,想要重回愛河最快的方式莫過於一無所求。僅此而已,別無其他。試試吧!沒有人需要對你的快樂或其他什麼負責,除非他/她清楚地表達過此類想法。
7. Consciousness agreements: One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you 27)up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Two of my “needs” (if you can call them that) in a friendship are that a) we don’t make 28)unilateral decisions about ending the friendship, and b) if we have a problem we bring it to the other person as soon as possible. What are your non-negotiables?
7. 觀念協議:這一直是我的最愛之一。讓人們預先知道對你來說什麼纔是重要的。實際上,越快越好。在任何一段交往關係中,得把原則性問題說在前,而不是等問題出現之後再來討價還價!我在一段友情之中的兩大“需求”(如果你能這麼稱呼的話)就是:1) 我們在終結友情這一問題上絕不單方面做出決定;2) 如果出現了問題,我們要儘快向另一方提出商議。你們的原則性問題又是什麼呢?
These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work; they are not just “add water” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessing and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the 29)privilege to witness those I love do the same!
多年以來,這些手段和技巧帶給我無法估量的幫助。全靠這些方法,讓我維繫好我現在所擁有的忠實而健康的感情關係!記住,感情需要經營,不僅僅是“澆點水”那麼簡單,別人也不是“用完即棄的”。感情是珍貴的福祉,身在其中,我覺得自己很幸運,能繼續不斷追求完美的自我,同時還有幸看到那些我所愛的人們也紛紛效法!
