10個關於家暴的驚人事實(下)

ers With Drug Problems Will Convince Themselves They Are Not Bad People

5.沾染毒品的施暴者往往自以爲是個好人

Many abusers have drug problems, as many of you probably already know. Whether the drug problem is partly due to abuse they experienced, or more the main cause of their terrible behavior or not, it can make for the worst kind of abuser. This type will be really nice when they are sober, or sometimes it is the opposite – they will be really nice as long as they have their drug of choice. However, if they are in the wrong mental state, people will be hurt, and children and spouses will be abused and traumatized.

很多施暴者吸毒，大多數人可能都知道這一點。因爲他們經歷過家暴，更多則是因爲他們自身的惡劣行徑，不管是出於這兩種原因的哪一種，都會使他們成爲最讓人頭痛的施暴者。這種類型的人在神智清醒的時候就是好好先生，但有時卻恰恰相反——因爲只有當他們有毒品可吸的時候纔會露出善容。但是，一旦他們精神失常，就會傷害身邊的人，連孩子和配偶都會遭到他們虐待和摧殘。

These people will convince themselves they are still good people, explaining it away as the drug doing the work. They will keep telling themselves that they will quit, and find it easy to make excuses, since they often don't remember what they did during their rage blackouts. Unfortunately, spouses are also often likely to defend this type of abuser, because they see the nice person they can be at times, and try to defend who they believe the person "really is inside." People like this often need serious treatment for substance abuse, and have had trauma in their past that causes them to lash out at others when they are in that specific mental state. They may not necessarily be evil people, but they probably should be somewhere they cannot hurt others.

這些暴虐的癮君子還會覺得自己仍然是好人，並把施暴行爲解釋成是受到毒品影響造成的。他們不停地告誡自己要戒毒，但藉詞卸責很容易，因爲他們往往忘了自己在喪失理智的時候幹了什麼。悲劇的是，配偶因爲目睹過施暴者有時會變得很友善，也會爲他們辯護，並相信“友善的那個纔是真正的對方”。對於像這種濫用藥物的人，通常需要對其進行嚴格治療，而曾因家暴受過重大傷害的人，當他們處於某種特定的精神狀態時，就會開始攻擊他人。他們不一定是惡人，但他們可能的確應該呆在某個無法傷害他人的地方。

-Meaning Spouses Who Protect Their Abusers Often Cause More Harm To Their Children

4.好心的配偶保護了施暴者，卻招來他們對孩子更多的傷害

Some spouses really simply believe that their abuser is actually a good person. They will defend them to the ends of the earth, and in their mind, there is really nothing going wrong. Oftentimes this is the type of situation where the spouse may not actually be the victim of most of the abuse, but the children are really taking the brunt. Sometimes these spouses are so blinded by their love and devotion to their partner that they shrug off what is definitely physical abuse as just being "tough love."

一些配偶天真地認爲自己的伴侶雖然有家暴傾向，但實際上是個好人，哪怕天荒地老也會護着伴侶，在他們看來並沒有什麼不對勁。在這種情況下，配偶大多可能並不是家暴受害者，孩子們纔是發泄對象。有時候，有些配偶對伴侶的愛和忠誠是如此盲目，以至於對到底什麼是身體虐待不管不顧，而僅僅認爲那是一種對孩子“嚴厲的愛”。

In many of these sad situations, it takes intervention from extended family members, teachers, or others to notice something, and can often still be an uphill battle. The spouse will be convinced that it's just strong discipline and that their devoted partner is really super gentle. They will go to great lengths to defend them, while the child continues to be hurt. Sometimes they simply cannot accept that the person they love is violent or dangerous, and other times they do not understand how the strength of their spouse, or their own strength, is hurting their children. Some people caught up in these situations do not mean ill, but do not understand their own strength, or the harm a strong adult can do a child when physical discipline is taken too far. Some spouses caught in situations like these realize something is wrong, but are not sure if it is bad enough to ruin their marriage and go to all the trouble over. This can lead to allowing a sitution that is dangerous for the children to go on, and on.

在這種讓人痛心的情況下，需要家庭成員、老師或其他人的干預來引起注意，即便如此，處理起來通常也會異常艱難。有的配偶認爲打罵孩子只是出於嚴格的家教，而他們忠實的伴侶實際上非常溫柔。他們會不遺餘力地爲施暴者辯護，而孩子則會繼續受到傷害。有時他們不願承認自己的愛人既暴力又危險，而有時他們也不明白自己和配偶是如何傷害到孩子的。在這種情況下，他們並非懷有惡意，只是不理解，當體罰過度，他們自己或者一個強壯的成年人會對孩子造成什麼樣的傷害。陷入這樣的困境，一些人終於意識到出了問題，但又不確定這個僵局是否到了需要以婚姻爲代價去處理的地步。對孩子們而言，這可能會引發又一輪危機，循環不止。

stic Abusers Usually Abuse Both Their Spouse And Children If Applicable

3.家暴者通常很可能虐待配偶和子女

While we did talk about situations where only one or sometimes both parents are abusing the children, and not each other, more often than not abuse of one implies abuse of others. People who tend to be violent against other people are often not that discriminatory in who they hurt. They are often broken or damaged people lashing out at others in an attempt to quell their own internal pain and trauma. When they reach that point, whether out of anger, or brought about by drugs, where they want to cause pain, the target they go for is simply usually whoever is closest and most convenient.

雖然我們討論的是隻有一方或雙方父母都在虐待子女的情況，而不是他們互相傷害，但更常見的情況是虐待他人。那些有暴力傾向的人在傷害他人時往往不會因對象不同而有任何差別。通常他們都受到過傷害，並以折磨他人來平息內心的痛苦和創傷。不管是出於憤怒，還是藥物作用，當內心情感達到一定程度，他們發泄的目標通常是最親近和最容易接觸到的人。

This means that in most cases, abuse of a spouse usually implies abuse of children and of course the other way around as well. There is also reason to believe that those who abuse their spouses are not only likely to abuse their children, but very likely to make that abuse of a sexual nature as well, instead of simply being violent. These people often do a really good job of putting on a respectable public face to the world, and will often keep the family under brutal psychological control so that they don't spill the beans to others.

這就意味着，在很多情況下，虐待配偶意味着也會虐待兒童，反之亦然。我們有理由相信，那些虐待配偶的人不僅有可能虐待他們的孩子，還有可能進行性虐待。面對公衆時，他們通常會以良好的形象示人，同時對自己的家人進行殘酷的精神控制，以確保他們不會泄密。

Many abusers are very charismatic in their own way, and this is part of how they manage to keep people in line. Sometimes they will be mean, but other times they will act almost unnervingly nice. One study that delved into the matter looked into 1,000 women who were victims of abuse, and found that in 70% of cases, violence against children was also a regular problem from their spouse. To make matters worse, the more children there were in the family, the more likely there was to be child abuse as well – although the abuse of the children was usually less brutal than that directed toward the spouse.

很多施暴者都有自己的特性，這是其他人對他們看法一致的地方之一。有時候他們行事卑鄙，有時候又好得讓人害怕。曾有一項研究對1000名受過虐待的婦女展開調查，結果顯示在70%的案例中，兒童遭到家暴，問題也往往源於她們的配偶。更糟的是，家裏的孩子越多，他們遭到家暴的可能性就越大——雖然孩子受到的虐待通常不像配偶受到的那麼殘忍。

Households With Physical Abuse Also Have Instances Of Sexual Abuse

2.大多數有身體虐待情況的家庭也存在性虐待

As we mentioned above, homes that have physical abuse going on are often also home to sexual abuse. However, it may be more common than most people would like to believe. People who abuse their wives are about 4 to 6 times more likely to sexually abuse their children, and about seven times more likely to hit their children. According to studies, about half of abusers who take part in incestual practices also hit the mother of the children they are having incestual relations with. Experts are now suggesting that if there is any past history of violence against the spouse, that authorities should treat it as a strong possibility that the children are also being physically and sexually abused.

正如我們之前提到的，有身體虐待情況的家庭通常也存在性虐待。這種情況可能比大部分人認爲的更加普遍。虐待妻子的人，有4到6倍的可能性會性侵子女，約7倍的可能性毆打子女。有調查顯示，在對子女進行過性虐待的人中，有一半人也會毆打妻子。如今專家們建議，對配偶有家暴史的家庭，有關部門應該重視起來，他們的孩子很有可能正在遭受身體虐待和性虐待。

Some researchers caution, though, that people shouldn't focus too much on the physical or sexual aspects and forget the root causes or the more invisible abuse. These abusers are often incredibly skilled at manipulating their victims psychologically, and have a pattern of behavior that victimizes others in general. These people cannot simply be taught not to hit others, as the issue is far more complicated than that. These abusers often have serious issues that involve past life experiences or upbringing, and changing their attitude properly could be a very long and complicated process even if they were willing.

有研究人員提醒說，人們不應過於關注身體虐待或性虐待方面的問題，而忽略了家暴的根本原因或無形的暴力。這些施暴者往往非常擅長從心理上操控受害者，並且形成了一種會傷害他人的行爲模式。對於這些人，不能用簡單方法去教育他們不要傷害別人，因爲問題比這複雜得多。施暴者過去的生活經歷或受教育環境都存在嚴重問題，哪怕他們願意作出改變，能恰如其分地改善他們的行爲態度可能也是一個漫長而複雜的過程。

Too Often, The Abuser Ends Up With At Least Partial Custody Of The Children

1.施暴者通常最終會得到孩子的部分監護權

Most people would think that if someone is being abused by a spouse, and they decide to leave, no matter the circumstances, that they will end up with the children. Unfortunately, the children are far too often caught in a dangerous situation where the abuser ends up with full or at least partial custody – allowing them to continue to wreak physical and emotional harm. What happens is that people will sometimes leave while leaving the children behind – even if they can make a decent case they were abused, this can make it difficult to get full custody later, as you abandoned the children.

大多數人會認爲，當有人遭到配偶家暴而決定離開，孩子們的監護權無論如何都會被法院判給他們。不幸的是，最終施暴者至少會得到子女的部分監護權，而孩子們往往身陷險境——如此一來，等同於允許他們繼續對孩子進行身體和精神傷害。受害者有時會拋下孩子離開，即使他們正大光明地申訴自己受到虐待，也很難得到孩子全部的監護權，因爲你拋棄了孩子獨自離開。

On the other hand, if you take them with you, you can also be in a situation where you end up losing custody, or not getting it fully. The reason for this is that your spouse has partial rights to the children until the court decides otherwise, so if you take them away without a court order, they may just side against you. This gets more complicated by the fact that proving domestic violence can sometimes be a "he said, she said" situation, and while kids can be witnesses, they can also be unreliable witnesses at times. They may lie to stay with one parent they like, or not understand the situation properly.

另一方面，就算帶着孩子一起走，你也可能失去全部或部分監護權。究其原因，直到法院作出判決之前，你的配偶依舊對孩子有部分監護權，所以如果你沒有得到法院的許可就擅自帶走孩子，就很有可能失去監護權。有事實表明，爲家庭暴力作證有時陷入了“據他或她講”這樣道聽途說的局面，就算孩子作證，有時也可能不可靠。他們可能對實際情況一知半解，或可能爲了與自己喜歡的父親或母親在一起而撒謊。

In one horrible case, a woman was shortly with an abusive boyfriend, and he got in touch with her again later and found out she had had a child that was actually his. He demanded partial custody just to get in touch with her, even though they were not even close. He just wanted to spite her. After getting orders for partial custody, she was so scared of him being in control of her baby that she fled across the country with the child. Unfortunately, this caused her to lose all rights to her baby and the child ended up permanently with her abusive former boyfriend. This sad story shows that when it comes to domestic violence issues, we still have a long way to go in ensuring the right thing happens, justice is served, and children end up with the people who will take good care of them.

有一個很可怕的案例，一個女人和一個有家暴傾向的男友進行了短期相處，後來他又和她取得了聯繫，發現這個女人已經有了孩子，而自己就是孩子的父親。爲了能聯絡她，該男子要求得到孩子部分監護權，雖然他們此時已經不再是戀人了。實際上他這麼做只是想刁難這個女人。在男子得到孩子部分監護權後，這個女人非常害怕自己的孩子會受到他的控制，於是她帶着孩子逃往全國各地。不幸的是，這樣一來她就失去了對孩子的所有權利，而最終孩子永遠落入了她的虐待狂前男友手中。這個讓人痛心的案例表明，對於正確處理家庭暴力事件，讓正義得到伸張，讓孩子們最終能判給可以好好照顧他們的人，我們依舊任重道遠。