經典科幻文學:《宇宙盡頭的餐館》第6章1

Chapter 6
“Hello? Yes? Megadodo Publications, home of The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the most totally remarkable book in the whole of the known Universe, can I help you?” said the large pink-winged insect into one of the seventy phones lined up along the vast chrome expanse of the reception desk in the foyer of The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offices. It fluttered its wings and rolled its eyes. It glared at all the grubby people cluttering up the foyer, soiling the carpets and leaving dirty handmarks on the upholstery. It adored working for The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, it just wished there was some way of keeping all the hitch-hikers away. Weren’t they meant to be hanging round dirty spaceports or something? It was certain that it had read something somewhere in the book about the importance of hanging round dirty spaceports. Unfortunately most of them seemed to come and hang around in this nice clean shiny foyer after hanging around in extremely dirty spaceports. And all they ever did wascomplain. It shivered its wings.
“What?” it said into the phone. “Yes, I passed on your message to Mr. Zarniwoop, but I’m afraid he’s too cool to see you right now. He’s on an intergalactic cruise.”
It waved a petulant tentacle at one of the grubby people who was angrily trying to engage its attention. The petulant tentacle directed the angry person to look at the notice on the wall to its left and not to interrupt an important phone call.
“Yes,” said the insect, “he is in his office, but he’s on an intergalactic cruise. Thank you so much for calling.” It slammed down the phone.
“Read the notice,” it said to the angry man who was trying to complain about one of the more ludicrous and dangerous pieces of misinformation contained in the book.
The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim, that where it is inaccurate it is at least definitely inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy it’s always reality that’s got it wrong.
This was the gist of the notice. It said “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”
This has led to some interesting consequences. For instance, when the Editors of the Guide were sued by the families of those who had died as a result of taking the entry on the planet Traal literally (it said “Ravenous Bugblatter beasts often make a very good meal for visiting tourists” instead of “Ravenous Bugblatter beasts often make a very good meal of visiting tourists”) they claimed that the first version of the sentence was the more aesthetically pleasing, summoned a qualified poet to testify under oath that beauty was truth, truth beauty and hoped thereby to prove that the guilty party was Life itself for failing to be either beautiful or true. The judges concurred, and in a moving speech held that Life itself was in contempt of court, and duly confiscated it from all those there present before going off to enjoy a pleasant evening’s ultragolf.
Zaphod Beeblebrox entered the foyer. He strode up to the insect receptionist.
“OK,” he said, “Where’s Zarniwoop? Get me Zarniwoop.”

第六章
“喂？你好？這裏是美卡嘟嘟出版，《銀河系漫遊指南》的家，它是整個已知宇宙中最非凡的一本書。我能爲你效勞嗎？”有着粉紅色巨大翅膀的蟲子對七十部電話中的一部說道。這些電話在《銀河系漫遊指南》辦公樓大廳裏巨大的鉻合金接待桌上一字排開。蟲子撲騰着翅膀，眼珠子轉個不停，望着這麼多邋遢的人亂七八糟地在大廳裏擠做一團，糟蹋着地毯，在漂亮的室內裝璜上留下骯髒的手印。它喜歡爲《銀河系漫遊指南》工作，只是希望有什麼法子能把所有這些漫遊者全部拒之門外。難道他們就不能老老實實地待在骯髒的太空港或者別的什麼地方附近嗎？它確信自己曾經在這本書裏的某個地方讀到過某些東西，講的就是關於待在骯髒的太空港附近的重要性。不幸的是，他們中的大多數看起來更習慣於在異常骯髒的太空港附近待過之後，立刻跑來待在這個舒適、乾淨、光潔的大廳裏。並且，他們在這裏所做的一切就是抱怨。蟲子的翅膀哆嗦了一下。
“什麼？”它對着電話說，“是的，我已經把你的留言轉給扎尼烏普先生了，但恐怕他現在不能見你。他正在進行一次星系際巡航。”
它不耐煩地朝一個邋遢鬼舞動了一下觸角，此人正氣急敗壞地想引起它的注意。觸角示意這個憤怒的傢伙自己去看牆上貼的通告，別在這兒干擾人家的重要電話。
“是的，”蟲子說，“他在他的辦公室，但他目前正在進行一次星系際巡航。非常感謝你致電我們。”說完，它砰地放下電話。
“讀讀這份通告。”它對那個怒氣衝衝的人說，後者原來打算投訴書裏所收錄的一條滑稽可笑並且十分危險的錯誤信息。
對所有那些渴望在一個無限複雜和混亂的宇宙中探明生命意義的人來說，《銀河系漫遊指南》是一位不可或缺的夥伴。因爲，雖然它不可能在所有問題上都能提供有用的信息，至少提供某種信息，但它至少做出了可靠宣稱，即，一旦在哪個問題上它是不準確的，那麼，在那個問題上，它至少是“最權威地”不準確。在出現重大分歧的情況下，最終只可能是現實本身出了錯。
這就是這份通告的要旨。它的意思是說，“《指南》纔是最權威的，而現實往往是不準確的。”
這就導致了一些有趣的結果。比方說，有些人試圖進入特拉爾行星，並因此送了性命，《指南》的編輯遭到了死者家屬的控告——那些人都是照着書上的內容去做的。書上寫到，“貪婪的特拉爾怪獸經常會爲到訪者做一頓非常可口的飯菜”，而實際上應該是，“貪婪的特拉爾怪獸經常會拿到訪者做一頓非常可口的飯菜”。這時，編輯們便會宣稱，前一個句子更具有美學上的愉悅感。他們還會召來一位具備資格的詩人，讓他宣誓作證：美就是真理，真理就是美，希望以此證明，在這個案例中，有罪的一方是生活本身，因爲它沒有達到美或者真理的水準。法官們一致同意這一點，在接下來的宣判中判定生活本身藐視法庭，理應受到如下懲罰：將離開這裏、享受一場愉快的傍晚超高爾夫球的生活從在座所有人身上沒收充公。
贊福德·畢博布魯克斯走進大廳，徑直朝那個昆蟲接待員走過去。
“好吧，”他說，“扎尼烏普在哪兒？給我找扎尼烏普。”