和男性約會前必須瞭解的十件事(上)

When you first begin dating someone new, it's all rainbows and butterflies. It seems like you may have finally found your soul mate – the person who will stick by your side through good times and bad times, through sickness and health. But is he really the one, or are you just being blinded by his good lucks or gentlemanly charm? As exciting as it is to begin falling for someone new, it's important to stay grounded and keep an eye to reality. Before you start seriously dating someone, you need to take the time to figure out if he really is a good match for you, or if you have just been turning a blind eye to some tell-tale, ominous signs. Here are the top ten things that you should know about a guy before you start dating him. Consider it a research project. Your job is to collect all the data and come up with an informed decision based on your findings. To date or not to date? That is the question!

你與新歡的第一次約會，通常都會有彩虹當空、蝴蝶飛舞的的幸福感覺，總讓你產生"找到靈魂伴侶"的錯覺——那個無論是順境還是逆境，無論疾病還是健康都會對你不離不棄的人。但是，他真的是那個人嗎，或許只是他那天的表現恰巧合你心意,還是你被他紳士又迷人的外表矇住了眼睛？在你與新歡墜入愛河而興奮不已的同時，也要保持冷靜的頭腦。在你打算認真地和他交往前，你真的需要好好斟酌一下，他究竟適不適合你，或者你是否對一些不祥之兆視而不見呢。我們認爲接下來的10件事，是在你確定和他交往前應該好好了解的。就把它當成一個調查項目吧，你的任務就是蒐集起所有資料，根據調查結果做個明智的決定——繼續交往還是就此止步，這是一個問題！

Does He Treat Strangers?

10.他是如何對待陌生人的？

One of the quickest ways to gauge a man's character is to see how he interacts with strangers. It doesn't matter how much of a gentlemen he is towards you if he can't be a decent human being to others. While it's chivalrous that he pulls out your chair at dinner, stands up when you enter a room and helps you with your coat, this is less about noticing how he treats you and more about noticing how he treats others.

看清一個人品質最快的辦法就是看他如何對待陌生人。如果他在別人面前並不是一位正人君子，那他對你表現得如何紳士都無關緊要了。儘管用餐時他爲你拉出餐桌前的座椅，進門時幫你拿着外套，這一切都是那麼彬彬有禮，但是你還是應該少在意他如何對待你，更多的是要觀察他如何對待別人。

At a restaurant, does he berate the waiter for bringing him a regular cola instead of a diet one? Or does he say something jokingly like, "Oh, what the heck? It's a special occasion, calories be damned!" Does he demand to speak to the manager when a waitress accidentally knocks his water glass over? Or perhaps he helps her clean up the spill while profusely telling her that it's alright: no harm, no foul. If upon leaving the restaurant you walk by a homeless person, does your date pull out whatever spare change he has in his pocket, or does he mutter rude and condescending remarks under his breath? CEO Bill Swanson has written much about this topic. He says that, "A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person." He cautions people to be wary of those who can turn their charm on and off at the drop of a dime, depending on who they are talking to. Be especially wary of men who use a power card, saying things like, "I know the owner of this place and I could have you fired." This ridiculous statement tells you nothing about the person's actual status, but everything about his character.

在餐館，他是否會因爲服務生給了他一杯可樂而不是其他低卡路里飲料而責備這位服務生，或者他會開玩笑地說，類似"見鬼，這可是個特別的約會啊，太多卡路里會破壞情調喲！"；如果一個服務生不小心打翻了他的水杯，他會要求把他們經理喊來嗎，又或者他會幫她清理灑在桌上的水，並且大方地告訴她：沒事，不用在意。緊接着出了餐館，你們從一個流浪漢身邊走過，他是無論口袋裏還剩下多少錢都會掏出來，還是會小聲地罵罵咧咧或者在他語氣裏聽出一種高高在上的嫌棄。首席執行官比爾·斯旺森寫過很多有關這個專題的文章，他說："如果一個人對你很好，卻無禮地對待服務生和其他人，那他就不是個好人。"他告訴人們要警惕那些在蠅頭小利面前不惜諂媚而且看人說話的人，特別要警惕那些慣用權力牌的人，比如他們愛說："我認識你們老闆，我會讓你走人的你知道嗎！"這些荒唐可笑的話根本不會擡高其身份地位，只會將他的品質修養展露無疑。

is His Value System?

9.他的價值觀是什麼？

Everyone has a set of ingrained beliefs and values that help to guide their behavior and decisions. If a guy's value system is vastly different from yours, then it could make for hardship down the road if your relationship becomes serious. In order to develop a healthy relationship, it's important to have similar, or at least compatible, values. Therapist JoAnne White writes that core values are, "things about yourself that are not likely to change. They are the tenets you grew up believing and that deep down inside still seem to fit into your life no matter what else changes."

每個人都有自己根深蒂固的信仰和價值觀，以此來指導日常的行爲並做決定。如果那傢伙的價值觀和你大相徑庭，你們日後的相處會非常艱難。爲了以後能發展一段健康的關係，兩人有相似的價值觀還是很重要滴，再不濟至少還能互補吧。治療師 喬安娜·懷特曾這樣解釋核心價值觀，"你不大可能會改變自己的價值觀。因爲這是你成長過程中所堅守的信仰，無論你的生活發生什麼變化，你的價值觀始終是你不會輕易改變的東西。"

A value system doesn't necessarily have to do with religion, although that could play a part in the conversation. Unless it is a deal breaker for you personally, someone with a different religion than you could still be a great match. People from different religious backgrounds get married all the time and raise children with traditions taken from both religions. It's also important to remember that the religion that someone grew up in is not necessarily representative of the beliefs that they currently hold. What's often more important are the underlying values that people believe in. Before you start seriously dating a guy, it's a good idea to understand what he holds dear in his life. Find out what makes him happy, what he can't live without, what motivates him, and what happiness looks like to him. Try to understand how he views the world and those around him. Does he believe he has a purpose in this life, and if so what is it? What guides him in making tough decisions? To be a good match with someone, you don't necessarily have to have exact same values. In fact, that might be boring. But you do have to be able to understand where the other person is coming from and see if you can relate to it. Morals, on the other hand, should be non-negotiable. If someone has unsavory morals and a shady sense of principles and ethics that don't align with yours, then it's probably best not to continue the relationship. After all, you want to be with someone who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

儘管在交流過程中宗教信仰起着重要的作用，但是價值觀與宗教信仰卻不是必然相關。除非宗教信仰對你來說極其重要，不然，即使你們信仰不同，也還是能成爲很好的一對。一直以來，來自不同宗教背景的人們結婚，都是以汲取了兩種宗教信仰的傳統來撫養孩子。一定要記住一點，這很重要的，人們成長環境的宗教背景並不一定會決定他們當下堅持的信仰，通常來說，更重要的是人們當前的價值觀。在你開始和一個人正兒巴經地交往起來之前，你最好了解清楚：他生命中珍視的是什麼？什麼會令他開心？什麼是他不能割捨的？什麼會激發他內在的潛能？還有，對他來說幸福是什麼？試着去弄明白他是如何看待這個世界和他周圍的一切。他有堅定的人生目標嗎？如果有的話，他的目標是什麼呢？在做艱難的決定時，是什麼給予他幫助呢？和某人相處起來很合適的話，你也就不必非得要求對方與你有完全相同的價值觀了。事實上，完全相同的話也挺沒勁的。但是你一定要清楚這個人來自哪裏，你是不是能適應他的文化背景。品行問題就得另當別論了。如果這個人道德敗壞，立場也不堅定，有着和你相悖的道德標準，那麼最好不要繼續這段關係了。畢竟，你要找的是一個能激發出你最好的一面的人，而不是最糟糕的你。

Does He Think a Healthy Relationship Looks Like?

8.於他而言，健康的戀情是什麼樣的？

Before you start a relationship with a guy, you want to understand what he views as a great relationship. When he envisions himself in a relationship, what does it looks like? Does he envision a doting partner who puts his needs first? Does he picture a woman who has dinner ready on the table when he gets home and recognizes him as the head of the household? If so, he may not be the ideal match for you. Think about how you want to define your roles and find someone who complements that vision.

在你開始一段戀情之前，你得知道他眼中的健康戀情是什麼樣的、他如何預想自己的角色。他想要一個把他的需求放在首位的女友嗎？他腦中構想出的女友是要坐在桌旁等他到家才能開飯、將他視爲一家之主嗎？如果他是這樣的人，那麼他可能不是你的真命天子。好好想想你扮演什麼樣的角色，然後找一個和你戀愛觀互補的人。

When he pictures a relationship, does he assume that it comes along with constant nagging and fighting? Or does he believe a relationship will be saddled with doubt and jealousy? Perhaps he believes that a loving relationship means never having a fight or a disagreement? Either way, if his vision doesn't match up with yours, it could be a bad sign. One of the ways that we view relationships is based on what we witnessed from our parents. That is not to say that people who grew up in unhappy homes won't be capable of having a healthy relationship. In fact, many people grow up clearly wanting the exact opposite type of relationship that their parents had. On the other hand, some people were lucky enough to grow up with two parents who shared an amazing love together, and they want to emulate that in their own life. A man's past girlfriends will also play a part in shaping his outlook on relationships. If he dated a girl who was unfaithful, he may think that it's normal to be jealous and distrusting. If he dated a girl who couldn't commit, then he may feel that a relationship should be emotionally distant.

他構想你們的戀情時，總是假設你們不斷爭吵打架嗎、或者他總會吃醋？或者他覺得一段美好的戀愛不會有任何爭吵與不和？無論他有以上哪一種想法，你們的戀愛觀是不一樣的，那隻會是分手的前兆。父母的感情會影響我們對於戀愛的看法。並非說，生活在不夠快樂環境下就得不到一段健康美妙的愛情。事實上，生活在不和諧的環境下的孩子會非常渴望一段美好的感情。有些人非常幸運，他們的父母彼此相愛，所以他們希望能延續父母相濡以沫的生活。看其前女友也能看出他對未來戀情的看法。如果他曾和不忠誠的女孩有過一段感情，他可能就會覺得嫉妒、彼此不信任沒什麼大不了。如果他曾和不負責的女孩有過一段愛情，他可能覺得談戀愛就是一段冷漠的感情而已。

he Fight Fair?

7.他能正視矛盾嗎？

Good conflict resolution skills can be the cornerstone of a good relationship. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, and problems will arise as your courtship progresses. According to a survey conducted which polled 100 mental health professionals, it was found that 43 percent of couples cited their inability to resolve conflict as the factor that led to divorce. If your partner isn't able to fight fair, then it might be better to avoid the fights altogether by ending the relationship early.

好的解決矛盾的技巧是一段美好戀愛的基石。談戀愛總有磕磕絆絆的時候，有些問題在婚後還會升級。"你的探戈"網站就100個心理健康問題做過民意調查，發現43%的夫妻無法解決兩人之間的矛盾，最終只得離婚。如果你的父母無法正視兩人之間的矛盾，那就趁早分開避免打架。

It can be difficult to understand someone's conflict resolution skills if you haven't had a fight yet, and if you are just beginning your courtship then you hopefully haven't had anything to argue about yet. However, you can learn about how he has handled conflict in the past and try to gauge how he deals with arguments. Is he the type to scream and shout at the top of his lungs to get his point across? Does he belittle or berate during an argument? Does he lie when his back is up against the wall? Does he become defensive? Does he go for low blows when he's angry? Does he storm off in a huff? Does he become fragile and insecure? Does he become cruel or aggressive? Is he quick to apologize? Does he try to keep the peace at all costs? Clearly there are many ways to fight, but some tactics lead to more productive outcomes than others. You don't necessarily both have to have the same conflict resolution skills, but you should have ones that are compatible. For instance, if you are a fiery woman known to fly off the handle at the slightest thing, then you might respond well to someone who is slow to anger and quick to apologize.

如果你沒和別人爭鬥過，就不太能理解解決矛盾的技巧。如果剛結婚，你最好祈求兩人之間不要有什麼爭吵。但是，你得知道他以前是怎麼處理矛盾的，然後估計一下如今他會怎麼處理你倆之間的爭吵。他是通過大喊大叫讓你明白他的想法，還是通過貶低或者申斥你的觀點呢？理虧詞窮時他會撒謊嗎？他會對你設防嗎？暴跳如雷時會打你嗎？會變得脆弱沒安全感嗎？會變得冷酷無情頻頻挑釁嗎？他會馬上道歉嗎？無論如何他都會心平氣和的和你談嗎？爭鬥的方式當然有很多，但是很多時候，某些方法只會帶來更多的問題。你不必掌握每一種解決爭端的技巧，但是你得找到解決問題的辦法。舉個例子，如果你是一個暴脾氣，一點小事沒處理妥當都會讓你火冒三丈，那你可以找一個不容易發脾氣又能很快道歉的伴侶。

Does He Spend his Free Time?

6.如何度過空餘時間

If you want to find a compatible match, then it's important to have some shared interests. If you have a severe case of wanderlust, then you might be perfectly suited with a guy who spends his summers traveling. If you are an athlete at heart, you might find some friendly competition with another athletically-inclined guy. If you love the fresh mountain air, then dating a guy who enjoys hiking or skiing might be just up your alley. Or if you're a homebody who loves nothing more than curling up with a good book, then your perfect match might be someone who loves spending time at home reading the newspaper, front to back.

要想找一個心意相通的伴侶，擁有共同的興趣愛好尤爲重要。例如你愛好旅行，那麼最好找位旅行達人與你結伴看風景；如果你天生運動狂，找一位健身達人來場運動比拼也是浪漫；如果你喜歡山間的新鮮空氣，恰好那位暗戀你許久的男生邀請你去登山滑冰，豈不是正中下懷？又或者你是宅女一枚，只喜歡待在家啃書，那麼你的另一半最好也差不多，一份報紙從頭看到尾，能夠安靜坐上一下午。

Sometimes you're lucky enough to find someone who doesn't necessarily have the exact same interests and hobbies, but rather has ones that complement the things that you love to do. If you love to eat and try new culinary creations, you'd have a great time dating a guy who loves to cook. If you are in school part time and need to devote significant time to studying, then a guy who devotes a night every week to his bowling league might be the perfect person to keep from causing distraction at home. If you have a passion for volunteering and he spends a lot of his time at networking events, you could leverage your social circles to make a difference in your community. You may also find someone who is passionate about something that is new and exciting to you. He could introduce you to a new hobby that could become a favorite of yours. Perhaps your guy has a motorcycle and you fall in love with feeling of the open road. Or perhaps he's a surfer who teaches you to enjoy long hours out on the water. According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, new experiences can, "activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with powerful neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding—the same circuits triggered when a person first falls in love."

但這一條件並不絕對，除了臭味相投，能夠找到興趣愛好互補的另一半也是登對。假如你是吃貨，喜歡鑽研美食，那麼你的男朋友最好是個廚房小能手；如果你是學霸，喜歡泡在自習室埋頭學習，你的完美情人最好有個狂熱愛好，類似保齡球聯盟骨幹，可以打一整夜，這樣就免得對方閒在一旁無事可做；如果你熱衷公益，喜歡做志願者，而你的另一半對社交活動很積極，那不妨利用雙方的人脈來影響各自的朋友圈。此外，如果你的另一半平時關注的東西非常新鮮刺激，那他很有可能會不斷引導你接觸新事物甚至也讓你爲之着迷。例如你的男票酷愛摩托，也許坐在他身後的你也會愛上飆車兜風的刺激；如果他是位衝浪達人，就帶你一起享受水上時光，濃情嬉戲。華爾街日報曾刊登過一篇文章，上面說新鮮體驗能夠刺激大腦的反饋系統分泌一種影響神經系統的化學物質，這種物質產生的愉悅感如狂風般席捲你的大腦，彷彿又回到初戀。

審校：嘉珈 編輯：Freya然 來源：前十網