研究表明 適度自戀可增加對異性的吸引力!

Two kinds of people won't be surprised to learn this week that science has demonstrated that narcissists are more attractive for dates than non-narcissists: people who've had the misfortune of being romantically involved with narcissists, and narcissists themselves – because believing that they are very attractive is a key symptom of their character.

本週，科學家證實了自戀的人比普通人更具有吸引力，這一消息對於兩類人而言不足爲奇：一類人，是那些與自戀者有過戀愛關係的人；另一類人，就是自戀者自己——因爲這類人的典型特點就是深信自己非常有魅力。

This breakthrough was published by an Austrian researcher, who ran an experiment with speed daters. He indexed people's narcissistic characteristics against the frequency with which their speed-dating partners indicated that they'd like to see them again. His finding: those with the highest scores on the narcissism scale also tended to be perceived as most desirable by members of the opposite sex.

一位奧地利科研人員，針對速配約會者進行了相關實驗，並公佈了這一驚人發現。他指出，與人們的預期不同，速配約會者表示願意再和有自戀特徵的人約會。他還發現：越是自戀的人，在異性眼中越有魅力。

But as partners, narcissists are no picnic: their self-obsession can smother any semblance of vulnerability, and yet for all that talk about how great they are, narcissists often struggle with very low self-esteem. They are crippled by an inability to build real emotional connections with other people. They lack empathy. They're great at attracting partners, but terrible at maintaining healthy relationships.

但是自戀者絕不適合做生活伴侶：不論他們怎樣高談闊論自己的成就，表現的多麼堅強，沒有一絲脆弱，但是內心深處卻很自卑。他們的最大缺陷就是無法和其他人建立真正的情感聯繫。他們沒有共情能力。他們很擅於吸引他人，但是卻不擅於維繫一段良好關係。

And yet – and yet! – we love them. Why? Here are three reasons why narcissists thrive in our romantic economy:

但是--即使這樣--我們還是愛他們。這是爲什麼呢？在情場上，自戀者如此受歡迎的原因有三方面：

They deeply believe in their own attractiveness

首先，他們對於自己的個人魅力深信不疑。

Narcissists are good-looking. Or, perhaps more importantly, they believe that they are – and this belief plays a role in how they move through the world: confident in their ability to make other people want to have sex with them. One of the best (and by that I mean worst) examples of this behavior that I ever came across was a man whose opening seduction gambit at parties would be to go over to a woman he liked and physically pick her up off the floor. It was at once a demonstration of his extreme confidence and total indifference to other people's feelings.

自戀者外形靚麗。或者說，更重要的是他們相信自己看起來非常棒——這樣的信條影響了他們生活中的言行舉止：有自信，相信自己很性感，能夠吸引他人。有一個絕佳的例子（在我看來是很糟糕的行爲）來證明這點，我曾經遇到一個男士，開派對時，他在人前慣用的撩妹招數就是走到一位女士身邊，將對方抱起來。這是他極度自信的最直接證明，完全不在乎他人的感受。

Of course, physical attraction is essential in any relationship. But the problem with dating a narcissist is that they wear out their partners with demands for attention and soon start to seek that approbation from others. Which is why they will go back on Tinder (“just for fun!”) and why, if you're seeking a monogamous relationship, being with a narcissist isn't very nice at all.

當然，外表的吸引力對於建立一段關係很重要。但是問題是，和自戀者約會，他們的伴侶常常會因爲得無時無刻關注他們而身心疲倦，而且，自戀者很快就不滿足於此，並開始尋求其他人的讚賞。這就是爲什麼自戀者往往會回到原來的狀態，開始用手機交友應用（“這款應用就是爲了好玩”）尋找下一個目標了，這也是爲什麼當你試圖尋找一段專一的感情時，和自戀者在一起往往不會有好的結果。

They're the kings of flattery

其次，自戀者擅於恭維他人。

Narcissists want other people to think that they're better, more attractive, more interesting and smarter than everyone else. And in the initial phases of a relationship they tend to tell whoever they're dating that (s)he is wonderful, attractive, interesting and smart, because they think that it reflects well on them: they're marvelous, so they choose marvelous partners. The trouble is that narcissists can't cope with the inevitable result of that process: your development of affection for them.

自戀者希望他人覺得自己很棒，有吸引力，風趣，比別人聰明。他們在建立關係初期，他們也趨向於告訴自己的約會對象，她（或他）優秀，有吸引力，風趣，聰明，這樣做是因爲可以襯托出自己的優秀：自己如此卓越，所以選擇的伴侶也得同樣卓越才行。可是麻煩的是，自戀者並不想承擔奉承的後果：約會者對他們產生了感情。

Fear of exposing their intrinsic lack of lovability means that when you start feeling close to your narcissist partner, they'll start to push you away. If you're lucky, that means that they'll tell you that you care too much about them and leave. The breakup will inevitably be confusing, upsetting and painful, but easier than the effects of a long-term relationship with a narcissist.

自戀者害怕暴露自己內在缺乏愛的能力，所以每當伴侶想要靠近自戀者時，他們就會把伴侶推得更遠。如果你幸運的話，這意味着他們會告訴你太關注他們了，分手吧。這樣的分手無可避免會令人感到困惑，不安，痛苦，但是和自戀者維持一段長期關係對人的影響更糟。

They're really, really charismatic

第三，自戀者非常、非常有人緣

Despite the trouble they have with emotional vulnerability, narcissists tend to surround themselves with people – they've always got lots of friends, acquaintances, professional contacts. Is there anything more appealing that having someone with a million friends – who's the life of the party, who's made it clear that all kinds of people want to spend time with them – pay attention to you? Maybe you're very special. Until they decide that you're not that special anymore. The narcissist feeds on attention, and once (s)he has sucked you dry, it's on to the next.

儘管自戀者情感脆弱，他們身邊卻總是圍滿了人——他們有很多朋友，熟人，業務聯繫人。還有什麼比擁有一個交友廣泛的戀人更讓人嚮往的呢——他們會是聚會的中心人物，各種類型的人都想和他們成爲朋友。他們卻注意到你了。也許你非常特別，但是等到他們認爲你沒什麼特別的時候，就會離開你。自戀者離開不開別人的關注，一旦他們榨乾了你所有的關注後，就會轉移目標了。