保持完美伴侶關係的五個祕訣

There is a lot of research behind what makes relationships work — and not work. To keep it short, just keep the 5 R’s in mind:

什麼能造就美滿的情感關係？關於這個問題的研究非常之多。簡單地說，你只要記住以下五個R開頭的單詞：

Right, Real, Rapport, Relate, Review

適量，真實，交流，相似，回顧

Let’s break them down.

下面讓我們來仔細分析下。

1. Fight Right

1. 適量爭吵

You might think it would be great if you could have a relationship with zero arguing. But marriages with no arguments are 35% more likely to divorce.

你也許覺得沒有爭吵的情感關係很棒。可是沒有爭吵的婚姻離婚的可能性要比適當爭吵的夫婦高出35%。

Things need to be worked out and you may need to can’t not argue and you can’t fight to the death. You need to fight right.

事情需要被解決，你們也需要互相遷就。你不能避免爭論，也不能爭吵到生命盡頭。吵架要適量。

If you stay compassionate and show you care — even in the midst of a screaming match — you have a better shot at happiness.

如果你保持同情心，並表現出關心對方的一面，那麼即使兩人都在吼叫，你們也有更大的機會收穫幸福。

When couples experience conflict, they are 45 percent less likely to feel pessimistic about their relationship if they can recognize feelings of caring from their partner during the disagreement. – Ebesu Hubbard 2001

夫妻之間吵架時，如果能夠意識到對方對自己的關心，他們對情感關係的悲觀態度就會減少45%。—易北蘇·哈伯德在2001年講道

2. Keep It Real

2. 保持情感的真實

Do you expect a fairy tale relationship? That’s a prescription for disappointment.

你想要童話般的感情嗎？那會是失望的開始。

Elements of fairy tales such as Cinderella were present in 78 percent of people’s beliefs about romantic love. Those people were more likely to have experienced disillusionment, devastation, and angst in their relationships than were those who gave less credence to fairy tales. – Lockhart 2000

如《灰姑娘》一類的童話元素佔據了78%的人們對浪漫愛情的信仰。和不那麼相信童話的人們相比，這些人更可能經歷情感中的幻滅、破裂和焦慮。——洛克哈特

The modern day equivalent of fairy tales is TV. And as you might expect, watching too much TV is correlated with unsatisfying relationships.

現代生活中，和童話扮演同樣角色的，是電視。正如你所預期，沉迷於電視和對情感關係的不滿意是相關聯的。

People who watched an above average amount of television per day were 26 percent less likely to be satisfied with their relationship status than were people who watched a below average amount of television per day. – Hetsroni 2000

那些看電視超過平均時間的人對情感不滿的可能性比其他人高出26%。—海慈羅尼在2000年講道。

It’s all about the bar that’s set for you or the bar you set for yourself. So, as you might imagine, perfectionism does not make for a happy love life either.

是否滿足和生活賦予你的感情標準或者你自己設定的標準有關。所以，你可以想象，完美主義也無法造就幸福的愛情生活。

People high in perfectionism, a hyperbelief in their own correctness and a desire to find a partner with similar traits, are 33 percent less likely to describe their relationship status as satisfying. – Flett, Hewitt, Shapiro, and Rayman 2002

高度完美主義者，對自己想法行爲有着超乎尋常的信念，渴望找到和有和自己相似特點的伴侶。和其他人相比，這些人對情感狀態不滿的可能性高出33%。—弗雷特，海威特，沙皮偌和雷曼在2002年提出

Be realistic about what you can and should expect from a relationship. And realize that things change.A third of the time what attracts you to someone isn’t important to you six months later.

實際地去考慮你能夠且應該從一段感情中期望什麼。同時意識到：事情會變的。三分之一的時間裏，某人吸引你的地方，六個月後，對你而言已經不再重要了。

3. Have Rapport

3. 經常交流

Talking, sharing, being open — these are all highly praised, and for good reason. Couples who communicate are 62% more likely to describe their relationship as happy.

交談、分享、打開內心——都是被高度推崇的，背後的原因也極有道理。保持交流的小兩口，感情美滿的可能性要高出62%。

Expecting your partner to be a mind reader will just make you miserable. Want something? Ask for it.

想要另一半有讀心術只會讓你變得可悲。想要什麼？講出來！

Researchers found that those who are more direct in seeking support from their partner are 61 percent more likely to feel they received the support they wanted than are those who avoid explaining their needs. – Fitness 2001

研究人員發現，需要來自伴侶的支持時，和逃避表達需要的人相比，直接表達的人更有可能覺得自己得到了想要的支持。—摘自《健康》2001

If you’re still shopping for a partner, look for someone with good social skills who has maintained friendships for a long time.

如果你還在尋找伴侶，注意那些擅長社交、長久地維持友誼的人。

People with strong social skills, including an ability to maintain long-term friendships, were 32 percent more likely to be satisfied with their relationship. – Flora and Segrin 1999

社交能力強的人，包括有能力維持長久友誼的，有32%更高的可能性會對自己的情感關係滿意。—弗勞拉和塞格林於1999年提出

More laughing means less fighting.

多點幽默歡樂，吵架就少了。

When both partners in a relationship thought the other had a good sense of humor, 67 percent less conflict was reported than in couples where neither thought the other had a good sense of humor. – De Koning and Weiss 2002

據報道，當伴侶雙方都認爲另一半有幽默感時，他們比起那些認爲對方一點也不幽默的夫婦爭執減少了67%。——德·克寧和維斯在2002年提出

Want your marriage to last more than 30 years? Just “being married” isn’t enough: you also need to be good friends.

想要婚姻長過30年？只是“結婚”並不夠：你們也要成爲好朋友。

In studies of people happily married more than three decades, the quality of friendship between the partners was the single most frequently cited factor in the relationships’ success. – Bachand and Caron 2001

研究發現，夫婦之間的深厚友誼被視爲超過30年美滿婚姻的唯一最常見因素。—巴尚和卡隆在2001年講道。

4. Relate

4. 兩人有共同點

Opposites do not attract. Couples that are similar do much better. Pairs that lasted longer than five years usually had a number of interests in common.

對立的兩人不會互相吸引。相似的兩人感情會更好。在一起長達五年以上的兩個人通常有很多共同的興趣。

In comparing couples who remained together more than five years with couples who split up, researchers found that the couples who stayed together were 64 percent more likely to be able to identify multiple shared interests. – Bachand and Caron 2001

研究人員發現，當比較在一起五年以上小兩口和分手的情侶時，情感長久的伴侶們發現雙方多個共同興趣的可能性高64%。—巴尚和卡隆在2001年講道

Having similar values offers a huge boost in the ability to communicate.

相似的價值觀能夠極大地促進交流。

The degree to which couples have similar values does not change over the course of their relationship. Those with similar values, however, are 22 percent more likely to rate their communication habits positively. – Acitelli, Kenny, and Weiner 2001

伴侶雙方價值觀的相似程度在相處過程中是不變的。然而，價值觀相似的兩個人有22%更高的可能性會正面評價他們的交流習慣。——阿塞特利，肯尼和韋納在2001年講道

Believe it or not, even having similar fighting styles was a good thing.

信不信由你——甚至有相似的爭吵風格也是好事噢！

It was related to double digit drops in conflict and a double digit increase in satisfaction.

有較多相似之處的夫婦會讓爭吵降低兩位數，讓滿意度增加兩位數噢！

5. Review

5. 不斷回顧和提升

Many people are probably reading this, identifying the good things they already do and feeling smug. Sorry, you can’t stop there. Relationships are not a “check the box and you’re done” kind of thing. You need to keep at it, monitoring and improving.

很多人在讀這篇文章的時候，看到了他們已經做到的好的方面，可能正在飄飄然呢。不好意思，這些還不夠！感情不是“給答題框打個勾就搞定”的事情。你需要保持下去，悉心經營，同時不斷提升。

Plenty of research shows that conscientiousness is a great quality to have in a spouse or partner. Having a partner who is consistently reliable often means a healthy relationship with less conflict.

諸多研究發現，盡責是一個伴侶身上非常優秀的品質。有一個總是可以信任的伴侶意味着一個健康的情感關係和更少的爭吵。

People who consider their partner conscientious, a person who consistently does what they say they are going to do, were 26 percent more likely to rate their relationship healthy and reported 41 percent less conflict in their relationship. Dependability was rated among the most desired qualities in a partner. – Watson, Hubbard, and Wiese 2000

認爲伴侶可信且總是說到做到的人，有26%更高的可能性認爲自己有着健康的情感關係，雙方相處中的爭吵也少了41%。——沃森，哈伯德和維澤在2000年提出

One More Thing

最後一點

Never forget that, in the end, all relationships are about feelings. Especially when fighting, we get caught up in the facts, the details, the words… And what’s funny is little of that ends up mattering.

永遠別忘了，最終，所有的感情都和感覺有關。尤其在爭吵時，我們深陷於事實，細節和話語之中…滑稽的是，最終這些都無關緊要。

When surveyed about their arguments, people mentioned feelings and tone ten times as much as the topic of debate. 25% of people couldn’t even remember what the argument was about — but they all remembered how it made them feel.

對伴侶間的爭吵進行調研時，人們提到當時的感覺和語氣比提及爭論的話題多出10倍。25%的人甚至不記得當初爲何爭吵—但他們都記得當時自己的感覺。

As Maya Angelou once said: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

如瑪雅·安吉羅曾講過的：人們會忘記你說過的話，會忘記你做過的事，卻永遠不會忘記你帶給他們的感覺。