誰偷了我的朋友:閨蜜與閨蜜形影不離
You introduce two of your good friends to each other in hopes that they, too, can become good friends. But when they start to bond in an unexpected way and hang out without you, might you regret introducing them to each other in the first place?
你介紹自己的兩個好友相互認識，希望他們也能成爲好朋友。但有一天，你卻發現他們的關係好到會忽略你單獨，你會不會後悔當初介紹她們認識？
Andrea Lavinthal, co-writer of the best-selling book Friend or Frenemy?: A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t, told The New York Times in a recent interview: “Most girls won’t admit this, but they’d rather you hit on their significant other than their best friend.” Another writer of the book is Jessica Rozler.
安德莉亞•拉雯瑟和傑西卡•羅絲勒合著的《朋友或友敵：如何找到你需要的朋友》一書極爲暢銷。近日，拉雯瑟在接受《紐約時報》採訪時表示，“雖然很多女孩兒不願承認這一點，但是她們寧可你認識她重要的朋友，也不願把最好的朋友介紹給你認識。”Lavinthal said she once introduced two friends to each other over brunch. A few weeks later, she stumbled onto the two women having dinner together in a restaurant, and learned they’d been spending quite a bit of time together.
拉雯瑟說，她曾在一次早午飯上介紹自己的兩位好友認識，幾周之後，她在一家餐館撞見這兩位閨蜜，才得知她們常常在一起（完全忽略了她）。
“There they were in the restaurant, loving each other, probably talking about how I’m not funny enough or smart enough,” she said. “What do you say? Are you going to insist that whenever they hang out, you be there? That’s weird. Are you going to bring it up and be bereft? That’s an interaction so hard for girls.”
拉雯瑟說，“她們一起在餐館，相談甚歡，也許還在一起說我如何無趣、不夠聰明。如果是你，你會怎麼做？堅持她們出來逛就要帶上你？這要求也太奇葩了吧！或是任其發展，直到自己失去友誼？這些對於女孩兒來說實在太虐心了。”Feeling froggy
跳背遊戲：誰偷了我的朋友What Americans call “friend stealing” is “leapfrogging” in Britain. But perhaps there’s no need for us to make a fuss about being leapfrogged. Ronald Sharp is a professor of English at Vassar College, US, who co-edited The Norton Book of Friendship with Eudora Welty. Sharp said: “The anxiety about social poaching stems from an inappropriate or distorted view of what friendship is. It views friendship as a zero-sum game, or as an attempt to maximize your resources. It converts the natural generosity of friendship into a kind of investment.”
對於“越過共同的朋友單獨聯繫”這種情況，美國人稱之爲“偷朋友”，而英國人則叫它“跳背遊戲”。不過，也許我們並不用對此太過小題大做。美國瓦薩學院的英語教授羅納德•沙普曾與尤多拉•韋爾蒂合著了《友誼的諾頓之書》，沙普教授認爲，“這種對於社交領域‘挖牆腳’的擔憂其實是由於不恰當或扭曲的友誼觀所致。它將友誼視爲一種‘你死我活’的零和遊戲，或企圖通過友誼來最大程度豐富人脈。這些觀念都讓本身慷慨無私的友情變成了一種（自私的）投資。”Sharp added, “If you can’t trust your friend to have a relationship with another person you consider a friend, it’s a clear symptom of a problem in your friendships.”
沙普教授還補充道，“如果你連介紹另一個人給自己的好友都不放心，顯然你們的友誼存在問題。”So how do you deal with being leapfrogged? Sharp said: “Part of the burden is on the friendmaker to assure the insecure friend that everything is OK. But part of the burden should also be on the original friend not to be anxious about it.”
那麼，要如何應對“朋友跳過自己單獨聯繫”的情況？沙普認爲，“獲得介紹、成爲朋友的一方有責任安撫沒有安全感的那個朋友。但另一方面，作爲朋友們的介紹人，你也應該放寬心。”Take it easy and be patient. In Lavinthal’s case, patience paid off. She said of the two women whom she had introduced to each other: “They became better and better friends. It was weird for a while. But then somehow, organically, I got brought back into the fold. Their friendship cooled off a little bit, and we all found our way back.”
別焦慮，要有耐心！從拉雯瑟的例子中就可以看出耐心的意義。她說：“看着那兩個經自己介紹而認識的朋友關係日益親密，自己確實有一段時間心裏不舒服，但是，漸漸地我又開始融入她們之中，隨着她們友誼恢復平靜，我們似乎又回到了從前的樣子。”She added: “I feel like I’m the hot item again. They need me now. They need me to get back to the root of why they’re friends.”
拉雯瑟還說，“我發現自己又成了‘香餑餑’，她們現在都需要我，因爲我纔是她們友誼的源頭。”
