婚戀網站衝擊印度的包辦婚姻傳統

NEW DELHI — For thousands of years, fathers in India have arranged the marriages of their children, and Garima Pant — like an estimated 95 percent of her millennial peers — was intent on following this most Indian of traditions.

新德里——幾千年來，印度的父親們一直替子女包辦婚姻，千禧一代加里馬·潘特(Garima Pant)本來也打算遵循這項最具印度特色的傳統。據估算，她95%的同代人都是這樣的。

Her father found a well-educated man in her caste from a marriage website that features profiles of potential mates and presented his choice to her. And that was when her rebellion began.

她父親在一個發佈速配對象信息的婚戀網站上找到了一個跟她同一種姓、受過良好教育的男人，然後把他挑中的人選給女兒看。她的反抗由此開始。

“I don’t think so,” responded Ms. Pant, a 27-year-old special education teacher, after seeing a picture of a man with streaks of color in his hair. So her father picked another profile. “Are you kidding?” And another. “Ugh.” And dozens more.

27歲的潘特是一名特殊教育教師。她看到照片上的男人有幾縷挑染頭髮後說，“我不喜歡。”於是她父親又挑了一個。“您在開玩笑吧？”再換一個。“呃。”後來又挑了幾十個。

When a profile of a man who intrigued her finally appeared, Ms. Pant broke with tradition yet again, finding the man’s cellphone number and secretly texting him.

當吸引她的男人的檔案最終出現時，潘特再次打破傳統，找到這個男人的手機號，偷偷給他發短信。

Her boldness made the match. By the time the fathers discovered that their families were of the same gotra, or subcaste, generally making marriage taboo, their children had texted and emailed enough that they were hooked. Months later, the couple exchanged vows with their fathers’ grudging blessings. Theirs was one of a growing number of “semi-arranged” marriages in which technology has played matchmaker, helping whittle away at an ancient tradition, but with a particularly Indian twist.

她的大膽成就了這段姻緣。等雙方父親發現兩家屬於通常禁止通婚的同一個次種姓時，兩人通過發短信、寫郵件已經有了感情。幾個月後，在兩家父親勉強的祝福下，他們結婚了。如今，印度出現越來越多這樣的“半包辦”婚姻，網絡技術扮演媒人角色，幫助削弱古老的傳統，不過帶着濃重的印度特色。

In a society where marriage is largely still a compact between families, most parents, especially fathers, are in charge of the search for a mate, including by scouring the now ubiquitous marriage websites for acceptable candidates. But a growing number, especially in India’s cities, now allow their children veto power. Even siblings have begun weighing in; Ms. Pant’s younger brother became an early booster of the man she would eventually marry after seeing his profile photo with a black Labrador retriever.

在印度社會，婚姻在很大程度上仍是兩個家庭之間的契約，大多數父母，尤其是父親，負責爲子女尋找配偶，包括在如今無所不在的婚戀網站上尋找合適的候選人。不過，如今越來越多的父親允許子女行使否決權，尤其是在印度的城市裏。甚至連兄弟姐妹也開始參與進來：潘特的弟弟在看完她最終結婚對象的檔案照片（他和一隻黑色拉布拉多尋回犬的合影）後，成爲他最早的支持者。

Human rights activists have welcomed the evolution as a significant change in the status of women worldwide and are hoping even poor, rural families begin to allow marriages based on choice.

人權活動分子歡迎這種進步，認爲它反映出全球女性地位的重大提高。他們希望連貧窮的農村家庭也能開始允許子女參與婚姻選擇。

Each year, they note, roughly eight million mostly teenage brides marry men chosen entirely by their parents, with many meeting their grooms for the first time on their wedding day. Refusals can be met with violence and, sometimes, murder. In one case last November, a 21-year-old New Delhi college student was strangled by her parents for marrying against their wishes.

他們指出，每年約有800萬新娘嫁給了完全由父母選擇的男人，其中大多是十幾歲的少女，其中很多新娘直到結婚當天才初次見到新郎。如果她們拒絕，可能會遭受暴力，甚至丟掉性命。去年11月，新德里一名21歲的女大學生因違背父母意願結婚而被父母勒死。

The shift away from fully arranged marriages is being driven in good part by simple market dynamics among Indians who have long seen marriage as a guarantor of social status and economic security.

人們之所以不再遵循完全的包辦婚姻，很大程度上是單純受到市場驅動，因爲印度人長期以來一直把婚姻視爲社會地位和經濟安全的保障。

For centuries, fathers sought matches among their social connections, often with the help of local matchmakers who carried résumés door to door. But village-based kinship networks are fading as more families move to cities, and highly educated women often cannot find men of equal standing in those circles. Under such strains, families have sought larger networks, increasingly through matchmaking sites.

幾個世紀以來，父親們在自己的社交圈中尋找合適的人選，經常藉助當地媒人的幫助，他們挨家挨戶送簡歷。但是，隨着越來越多的家庭搬到城市裏，以村莊爲基礎的親戚網正在衰落，高學歷女性往往在這些圈子裏找不到同等條件的男性。在這樣的壓力下，父親們開始搜索更大的網絡，越來越多地依靠婚戀網站。

The websites — India now has more than 1,500 — nationalize the pool of prospective spouses, giving parents thousands more choices while still allowing them to adhere to longstanding restrictions regarding caste and religion. (Candidates who fail to identify their caste get far fewer responses, matchmakers and marriage brokers say.)

印度現在有1500多個婚戀網站，它們把潛在婚配對象的範圍擴大到了全國，讓父母們多了上萬個選擇，同時仍能遵循長期以來的種姓和宗教限制（媒人和婚戀顧問說，沒有說明種姓的候選者得到的迴應要少得多）。

The system works, analysts say, because India’s young people remain exceptionally open to their parents’ input on mates.

分析人士稱，這種方式之所以可行是因爲印度年輕人仍對父母參與選擇配偶保持特別開放的態度。

“Intergenerational relationships in India aren’t hostile. Our teenagers don’t have angst. They don’t rebel or misbehave with their parents,” said Madhu Kishwar, a prominent feminist author and a professor at the Center for the Study of Developing Societies in Delhi. “And the reason marriages in India are more stable than those in the West is because families are actively involved.”

“在印度，父母與子女之間沒有敵意。我們國家的青少年沒有憂慮。他們不會違抗父母，或對父母不敬，”著名女權主義作家、德里發展中社會研究中心(Center for the Study of Developing Societies)教授馬杜·基什沃(Madhu Kishwar)說，“印度的婚姻之所以比西方社會的婚姻更穩定，是因爲雙方家庭都積極參與。”

Still, by allowing the Internet to nudge its way into the marriage equation, parents are increasingly surrendering control. On , which says it helps nearly 50,000 people in India get married each month, 82 percent of male profiles are posted by the prospective grooms rather than by their parents, up from 60 percent five years ago, said Murugavel Janakiraman, the site’s founder and chief executive. Among women, the share of self-postings is at 56 percent, up from 30 percent five years ago.

不過，父母們開始允許互聯網在婚配選擇中發揮作用，逐漸放鬆對子女婚姻的控制。婚戀網站自稱，每月幫助近五萬印度人找到結婚對象。網站創始人、首席執行官穆魯加韋爾·賈納基拉曼(Murugavel Janakiraman)稱，82%的男性簡歷不是父母發佈的，而是求偶男性本人發佈的，五年前這個比例是60%。自己發佈簡歷的女性佔56%，五年前是30%。

“Twenty years ago, parents chose the matches,” Mr. Janakiraman said of those who have embraced technology in the marriage hunt. “Now parents are largely playing supporting roles, and the brides and grooms are in the driver’s seat.”

“20年前，父母爲子女選擇配偶，”賈納基拉曼提到那些運用網絡技術尋找配偶的人時說，“如今，父母們大多當配角，新娘新郎唱主角。”

But even as social mores shift, relatively few young Indians, including those who demand more of a say in their marriages, are straying too far from tradition. Dating — or at least openly dating with parents’ consent — is still relatively rare. And many of those who choose semi-arranged marriages say that romantic love, the head-spinning Bollywood kind, is not their goal. Compatibility is, as is a sense of control over one’s destiny.

不過，儘管印度的社會習俗在改變，但是遠遠偏離傳統的年輕人仍相當少，那些要求對自己的婚姻擁有更多發言權的人也不例外。約會——哪怕是經父母同意公開約會——仍然非常少見。很多選擇半包辦婚姻的人說，寶萊塢電影裏那種讓人目眩神迷的浪漫愛情不是他們追求的目標。他們追求的是和睦，以及能掌控自己命運的感覺。

“I wouldn’t say that I’m head-over-heels madly in love with my husband,” said Megha Sehgal, a flight attendant. “But he gives me a lot of comfort, and I see a friend in him.”

“我不能說，我狂熱地愛上了我的丈夫，”空乘員梅卡·塞加爾(Megha Sehgal)說，“但他給了我很多安慰，我把他當朋友。”

The percentage of semi-arranged marriages has grown to an estimated quarter of all marriages in India, according to a survey, while just about 5 percent of matches are considered “love marriages,” in which couples unite with little parental consent. The survey was conducted by the International Institute for Population Sciences and the Population Council.

國際人口科學研究會(International Institute for Population Sciences)和人口理事會(Population Council)的一項調查發現，半包辦婚姻在印度婚姻中的比例估計已增長至四分之一，而只有約5%的結合被認爲是“愛情婚姻”，即幾乎沒有經過父母首肯的婚姻。

Indeed, many families involved in both old and new forms of arranged marriages see falling in love before marriage as threatening. Those with money sometimes hire private investigators to ensure that a prospective spouse does not have any ill intentions or has not already fallen in love then broken off that relationship in favor of an approved match.

實際上，很多經歷過舊式和新式包辦婚姻的家庭把婚前戀愛視爲一種威脅。有錢人有時會僱傭私人偵探去調查未來的配偶是否存在不良企圖，或者之前是否有過戀愛史，分手後才選擇父母包辦的婚姻。

“Fifteen years ago, most of my investigations revolved around checking out the family,” said Sanjay Singh, a private detective in Delhi. “Now they’re mostly concerned with whether the other person is already involved with someone else.”

“15年前，我的調查主要圍繞家庭背景進行，”德里私家偵探桑賈伊·辛格(Sanjay Singh)說，“如今，他們主要擔心對方是否和其他人有過戀情。”

For poor, rural women, the notion of even semi-arranged marriage is still mainly out of reach — a fact that human rights activists say leaves girls especially vulnerable.

對貧窮的農村姑娘來說，甚至連半包辦婚姻也顯得遙不可及。人權活動分子認爲，這種情況讓女孩們處於特別不利的地位。

“Marriage is the single biggest risk to Indian girls,” said Joachim Theis, chief of child protection at Unicef in India, which says that the country has a third of the world’s child brides. “They drop out of school; they lose their freedom; they are under the control of their husbands and mothers-in-law; they lose their social network; and they are more likely to die and are 10 times more likely to be victims of sexual violence than unmarried adolescent girls,” he said.

“婚姻是印度女孩唯一最大的風險，”聯合國兒童基金會印度兒童保護機構負責人約阿希姆·泰斯(Joachim Theis)說。該機構稱，印度童養媳佔全球的三分之一。“她們輟學，失去自由，受丈夫和婆婆控制，失去社會聯繫，死亡率更高，遭受性暴力的可能性是未婚少女的10倍，”他說。

Many of the deaths are linked to disputes over dowries demanded by the grooms’ families.

很多死亡事件與男方家庭索要嫁妝引發的糾紛有關。

Those urbanized Indians shifting to semi-arranged marriages say the change could not have happened nearly as quickly without the growth of matrimonial websites and the proliferation of cellphones, which have given young Indians a way to converse away from the prying ears of their families.

印度城市裏轉向半包辦婚姻的人說，如果沒有婚戀網站的發展和手機的普及，這種變化不會發生得這麼快。手機給了印度年輕人一個交流渠道，可以避開家人偷聽的耳朵。

As prospective brides and grooms increasingly take a role in their courtships, the marriage websites’ formulas for suggesting possible mates have had to change, said Gourav Rakshit, chief of operations at , the largest such site.

印度最大的婚戀網站的首席運營官古拉夫·拉克什特(Gourav Rakshit)說，準新娘新郎越來越多地參與求偶過程，婚戀網站推薦潛在配偶的方法也必須隨之改變。

“We have seen marked shifts in people using compatibility factors for their searches instead of only the more restrictive parameters of the past,” like wealth and caste, Mr. Rakshit said.

拉克什特說，“我們發現了一些顯著的變化，人們現在使用匹配性因素搜素，而不是過去那些限制性條件”，比如財富和種姓。

In the end, Garima Pant, whose cellphone became a tool of rebellion, mainly got her way. She insisted on meeting her future husband, Manas Pant, alone before making a decision, a once-rare demand that is now routine in semi-arranged marriages.

把手機用作反抗手段的加里馬·潘特最終算是如願以償。她堅持要求在做出決定之前，可以單獨會見未來的丈夫馬納斯·潘特(Manas Pant)。這種要求一度極爲罕見，如今卻已經變成半包辦婚姻的慣例。

A date was set for Café Turtle in New Delhi’s upscale Khan Market, and Ms. Pant agreed to drive Mr. Pant (whose surname was coincidentally the same as hers).

約會地點定在新德里高檔購物中心可汗市場(Khan Market)的海龜咖啡廳(Café Turtle)。加里馬·潘特同意開車去接馬納斯·潘特（他們碰巧是同一個姓氏）。

Mistake.

這是個錯誤。

“I was 20 minutes late picking him up, and he hates it when people are late,” Ms. Pant said.

“我遲到了20分鐘才接上他。他最討厭別人遲到，”加里馬·潘特說。

Mr. Pant, 28, a marketing professional for technology companies, had a slightly different take: “Actually, she was 25 minutes late,” he said. “Then she hit a car.” But he was already committed to marrying her, and she was impressed by his reaction.

28歲的馬納斯·潘特是科技公司的市場營銷專家，他的說法略有不同。“其實，她遲到了25分鐘，”他說，“後來，她還跟別的車蹭上了。”不過，那時候他已決心娶她，他的反應給她留下了深刻印象。

“He said, ‘Well, we’re off to a good start,’” she said. “It was a joke, and I thought, ‘O.K.’ I’m not saying I heard bells or anything, but it was the right thing to say.”

“他說，‘嗯，我們開局不錯’，”她說，“他是在開玩笑，當時我心想，‘是不錯啊’。我不是說當時聽到了命運的鐘聲什麼的，不過他的話很合時宜。”

After a two-hour date, she dropped him off and drove home, where her father, mother and brother were eagerly waiting in the living room.

約會兩個小時後，她把他送到地方，然後開車回家。她的父親、母親和弟弟正在客廳裏急切地等她。

That night, Mr. Pant texted: “I’m telling my father to go ahead. OK?”

那天晚上，馬納斯·潘特發來短信：“我打算告訴爸爸，讓他繼續推進這件事。好嗎？”

It was the equivalent of a man in the West going down on bended knee. The families would still have to meet, and horoscopes would have to be consulted. But in a monumental change, nothing could happen without Ms. Pant’s approval.

這就相當於西方男人單膝下跪求婚。當然，兩家人還得見面，還得諮詢占星師。不過，一個重要的變化是，如果加里馬·潘特不同意，這一切都不會發生。

She texted back, “Yes.”

她回了一條短信：“好。”