女人出軌的常見若干原因大綱

By Tammy Worth 作者 塔米 沃斯

翻譯:飄蕩的鞦韆

When Thea and her husband moved to Los Angeles a few years ago, she had no friends close by and was alone frequently while her husband worked long hours. Though Thea, who asked that her full name not be used, says her husband was the "best friend someone could have," the spark, and sex, were gone.

幾年前西婭和丈夫搬遷到洛杉磯時，她周圍沒有朋友，在丈夫整天忙於工作時，她經常感覺非常孤單。按照西婭的要求，我們不用她全名。儘管西婭說丈夫曾經是她的知己，但現在兩人之間已沒有了火花，也沒有性生活。

Seeking company and a little romance, Thea became a member of , a web site that connects married people wanting to have an affair.

渴求陪伴也想要尋找些許的浪漫，於是西婭註冊成爲網站的會員，該網站中有很多已婚卻有出軌意圖的人。

After a few dates with a man she connected with, she began an ongoing affair. "He was giving me all of the stuff my husband wasn't -- attention and affection," she says.

在和一個男人約會幾次之後，她真的有了外遇。“他能給我一切我丈夫不能給的東西——那就是關注和愛慕”她說。

There are many reasons for infidelity, such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention, and women looking to fill an emotional void.

產生不忠行爲的原因有很多，比如說報復，無聊，性的新鮮感所帶來的刺激，性成癮等。但專家認爲大多數時候，不忠行爲的動機因男女而有差異，男人更多的是尋求性或者關注，而女人是爲了填補情感的空虛。

"Women tell me, 'I was lonely, not connected, I don't feel close to my partner, and I was taken for granted,'" says Winifred Reilly, MA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, Calif. "They say they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again."

加利福尼亞州伯克利市的一位有執照的婚姻家庭方面的臨牀醫師,威妮弗蕾德 蕾利說，女人們總是告訴我說：我很孤單，沒有朋友，和愛人也非常冷淡，總是被對方熟視無睹。她們想要有人能直視她們的眼睛，重新喚起她們的激情。

Emotional Reasons
情緒上的原因

Every affair is different, and so are every woman's reasons for her involvement.

每一場外遇都是不同的，女人們的理由也各不相同。

That said, men are more likely to cite sexual motivations for infidelity and are less likely to fall in love with an extramarital partner, says Helen Fisher, PhD, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why Him? Why Her? and Why We Love.

羅格斯大學的人類學家海倫 費舍爾博士，著有《他？她？我們爲什麼相愛》一書，她說，男人更傾向於把性作爲不忠行爲的動機，並且較少會與婚外情的另一半真的墜入愛河。

Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness, Fisher says.

而女人們總是試圖和自己的愛人建立情感上的聯繫，她們更容易因爲孤單而有外遇。

"Women tend to be more unhappy with the relationship they are in ... while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat," Fisher tells WebMD. "Women are more interested in supplementing their marriage or jumping ship than men are -- for men, it is a secondary strategy as opposed to an alternate.".

女人更容易對自己所處的關係不滿，而男人卻能更快樂，也會存在欺騙行爲。費舍爾說，女人比男人更傾向於填補她們的婚姻或者乾脆跳脫出去，而對於男人們來說，這樣的行爲不是他們的首選。

In one of her studies, Fisher found that 34% of women who had affairs were happy or very happy in their marriage. A greater percentage of men who had affairs, 56%, were happy in their marriage.

據費舍爾的一項研究表明，有外遇的女人中，34%在婚姻中都很快樂或者非常快樂。而與之對應的男人比例要更高，達到56%。

In the Genes?
遺傳因素？

The theory that adultery is "natural" for men, fulfilling their Darwinian need to spread their seed, has been around a long time. But the connection women look for when having affairs may have evolutionary roots as well.

把外遇行爲看作是男人的本性的理論早已存在，認爲男人這樣的行爲不過是滿足繁衍後代的需求。但女人的外遇行爲似乎也有進化方面的緣由。

The theory, Fisher says, is that from the earliest days, women paired with a primary mate to have children. But as women went out to gather food, they slept with other men, creating an insurance policy -- to have someone who would help rear children and provide resources should their mate die.

費舍爾說，這樣的說法起源於人類最早期，女人和原始的男伴結合然後生育。但當女人開始外出尋食，她們和別的男人發生了關係，因此似乎獲取了一層保障——要是她們的伴侶死了，還有人能夠幫她們養育孩子並提供資源。

"Women who slept around collected more meat, protection, and resources from their lovers," Fisher says. "She might even have an extra child to create more genetic variety in her lineage; if some children die, others will live on."

那些到處和人發生性關係的女人能從她們的伴侶那獲得更多的肉、更多的保護以及資源，費舍爾說。她甚至能擁有更多的孩子，盡而在自己的直系關係中產生更多的基因多樣性；如果某個孩子夭折，其他的也能繼續生存。

That theory is controversial and can’t be proven or disproven eons later. But experts say that women's motivations to have affairs are typically more than sexual. That's not to say that some women don't have affairs just for the sex or that sex wasn't important -- but in general, women's motivations aren't just about sex.

這個理論非常有爭議，並且即便是在千萬年後也無法證明真僞。但專家認爲，女人發生外遇的動機通常不只是性那麼簡單。這不代表女人爲了性而不發生外遇或者性沒那麼重要——總的來說，女人不只是爲了性。

"I don't think women are doing it because they want to have more sex, but I don't think they mind if they get it," Reilly says. "It is not really about sex per se as much as the experience of being with somebody."

我認爲女人出軌不只是因爲獲取更多的性滿足，但我認爲如果能獲得滿足她們也不介意。蕾利說。事實上，性本身不是重點，重要的是“與某人在一起”的感覺。

Jumping Ship
用外遇作爲跳脫不幸婚姻的手段

Diane, who asked that her full name not be used, left her marriage emotionally long before she had an affair. The Tulsa, Okla. woman says she was living with a lot of disillusionment in a disappointing, sexless marriage.

戴安，據本人要求不用全名，在身體出軌前早已精神出軌。這個來自俄克拉菏馬州塔爾薩市的女子這樣說道：她的失望透頂且無性的婚姻讓她感覺非常幻滅。

"You feel the loss of your dreams and hopes and how you thought things would turn out," Diane says. "I was very lonely; I could never understand the concept of being lonely in a marriage until it happened."

“你感覺自己失去了夢想和希望，也預感到自己所想最終會變成現實”戴安說。“我感覺非常孤單；在此之前我永遠沒有辦法想象，結婚了還會如此孤單。”

She began to flirt with other men to get attention, but she never considered having an affair. That is, not until a business trip landed her with a friend in a beautiful setting drinking wine. She began a long-term affair, a path she admits she was likely on anyway as her marriage dissolved.

她開始和其他男人調情以獲取關注，但從沒想過出軌。直到一次出差，她和朋友在一個非常優美的環境下喝酒，由此纔開始了一段長期的外遇經歷，這段經歷似乎都讓她感覺不到婚姻的存在了。

Using another partner to transition out of a bad marriage is one of the common reasons women have affairs.
用另一段關係以度過糟糕的婚姻，是女人有外遇的常見原因之一。

"They are on a sinking ship and use it as a life raft because they don't want to just jump into the cold water," Reilly says.
蕾利說，她們就好像在一艘沉船上，用外遇作爲救生艇，因爲她們不想要直接跳入冰冷的水中。

She also sees some women have affairs during periods of vulnerability or life change, like when a child goes off to college or after a job loss. They may see it as a form of comfort during upheaval.
她也看到有些女人在生活變動或者脆弱時期有了外遇，比如孩子上大學了，或者失業了。她們把出軌看做是變動時期的一種安慰方式。

Another common reason is a cry for help in the marriage. One of Reilly’s patients had an affair, ended it, and then told her husband as a way to point out they were in more trouble than he thought.
另一個常見的原因就是把外遇作爲挽救婚姻的訴求。蕾利的一個病人出了軌，然後了斷，再用這樣的方式告訴她的丈夫，她們的處境比他想象的糟的多。

Reilly says her clinical experience has shown that affairs are almost always caused by problems in the marriage. Therapy, at times, can be helpful to avoid going down that path.
蕾利說臨牀實踐表明外遇通常是由婚姻中出現了問題所致。治療有時可以幫助她們，避免走向出軌這條路。

"People have affairs because they are looking for something," Reilly says. Although she sees a number of couples grappling with infidelity, "more people come to me [before it happens] because they want to save their marriage."
她還說：人們之所以出軌是因爲他們渴求着什麼。儘管她看到一些人糾纏於各種不忠行爲。但更多的人是在出軌前來找我尋求幫助，因爲他們想挽救婚姻。

Accidental or On Purpose
偶然的或者是有意的

Women are also less likely than men to have an affair that "just happens," because they tend to think longer and harder about the situation, experts say.
與男人相比，女人相對較少會出現偶然外遇的情況，專家認爲，這主要是由於她們思考的時間更長，想的也更多有關。

Some women take time " to warm up to it," says Marcella Weiner, EdD, PhD, an adjunct professor at Marymount Manhattan College in Brooklyn, N.Y. "Going in and leaving quickly isn't their thing. Men can walk away more easily, because their emotions are just different and it is unusual for a woman who wants to have sex and forget about it."
瑪賽拉 維納，教育學博士，同時也是位於紐約州布魯克林區的瑪麗芒曼哈頓學院的副教授，她認爲，有些女人是慢慢的纔會進入狀態，速戰速決根本不是她們的風格。男人的情感模式不同，他們可以迅速的抽離，對於一個女人來講，想要性關係，事後又當什麼都沒發生過是很難的。

It may be an old notion that women are the ones who get attached in a relationship, Reilly says. But she sees that women do connect with their partners in affairs and think more about taking part in one.
一個古老的觀點認爲在一段關係中，女人通常是容易被套牢的一方，蕾利說。她看到有些女人對於出軌的伴侶依然保持關係，而如果她們自己出軌，她們則會猶豫不決。

"Women really can recognize the risk for them," Reilly says, pointing to the possibility of losing their partner because of an affair.
當提到因爲外遇而有可能失去另一半時，蕾利說：事實上女人可以認清這個風險。

When it comes to affairs, society tends to more harshly judge women than men, Reilly says.
她還說：關於外遇，社會上對女人的評判要比對男人更加苛刻。

"Women don't easily have an affair," she says.
女人不容易有外遇，她說。