經典科幻文學:《銀河系漫遊指南》第5章 Part 1

Chapter 5
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was not a pleasant sight, even for other Vogons. His highly domed nose rose high above a small piggy forehead. He was the way he was because billions of years ago when the Vogons had first crawled out of the sluggish primeval seas of Vogsphere, and had lain panting and heaving on the planet's virgin shores... when the first rays of the bright young Vogsol sun had shone across them that morning, it was as if the forces of evolution ad simply given up on them there and then, had turned aside in disgust and written them off as an ugly and unfortunate mistake. They never evolved again; they should never have survived.
The fact that they did is some kind of tribute to the thick-willed slug-brained stubbornness of these creatures. Evolution? they said to themselves, Who needs it?, and what nature refused to do for them they simply did without until such time as they were able to rectify the grosser anatomical inconveniences with surgery.
Meanwhile, the natural forces on the planet Vogsphere had been working overtime to make up for their earlier blunder. They brought forth scintillating jewelled scuttling crabs, which the Vogons ate, smashing their shells with iron mallets; tall aspiring trees with breathtaking slenderness and colour which the Vogons cut down and burned the crab meat with; elegant gazelle-like creatures with silken coats and dewy eyes which the Vogons would catch and sit on. They were no use as transport because their backs would snap instantly, but the Vogons sat on them anyway.
Thus the planet Vogsphere whiled away the unhappy millennia until the Vogons suddenly discovered the principles of interstellar travel. Within a few short Vog years every last Vogon had migrated to the Megabrantis cluster, the political hub of the Galaxy and now formed the immensely powerful backbone of the Galactic Civil Service. They have attempted to acquire learning, they have attempted to acquire style and social grace, but in most respects the modern Vogon is little different from his primitive forebears. Every year they import twenty-seven thousand scintillating jewelled scuttling crabs from their native planet and while away a happy drunken night smashing them to bits with iron mallets.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was a fairly typical Vogon in that he was thoroughly vile. Also, he did not like hitch hikers.
Somewhere in a small dark cabin buried deep in the intestines of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's flagship, a small match flared nervously. The owner of the match was not a Vogon, but he knew all about them and was right to be nervous. His name was Ford Prefect Ford.

第五章
沃貢·傑爾茲長得並不討人喜歡，即使是對其他沃貢人來說也是這樣。他那醒目的半球形鼻子翹得老高，遠遠超過了他那很小一塊像豬仔一樣的前額。他之所以成爲今天這副模樣，完全是因爲幾十億年以前，沃貞人第一次緩慢地爬上沃貢星球的原始海洋，喘着氣，在這顆星球慢慢站立起來……就在那個早晨，年輕而明亮的沃貢太陽的第一縷陽光照在他們身上，但似乎進化的力量就在此時此地拋棄了他們，這些力量厭惡地扭頭而去，把他們作爲醜陋和不幸的錯誤一筆勾銷。從此他們就再也沒有進化過：他們本來不該生存下來。
這樣的事實在某種程度上卻恰好激發了這些生物倔強的意志。進化？他們對自己說，誰需要這玩意兒？自然拒絕賦予他們的東西，他們反而通過更短的時間做到了——他們已經可以通過外科手術修補所有解剖學上的不合理結構。
同時，沃貢星球上自然的力量也開始加班工作，以彌補早期犯下的大錯。它們創造出了泛着寶石光澤的螃蟹，沃貢人可以用鐵錐砸碎蟹殼，得到食物：高聳挺拔的樹木，修長而豔麗，沃貢人可以砍來燒熟蟹肉；還有優雅的像瞪羚—樣的生物，有着絲綢般的皮毛和水汪汪的眼睛，沃貢人可以捉來當椅子——因爲它們的脊背很容易突然折斷，所以不能用作交通工具，但沃貢人還是可以坐在上面的。
就這樣，沃貢星球打發掉了那些不愉快的千萬年，直到突然有一天沃貢人發現了星際航行的原理。於是，在短短几個沃貢年的時間內，沃貢人就移民到了大布蘭特斯星團，銀河系的政治中心，直到今天早已搭建起了銀河系行政部門強有力的中樞骨架。他們試圖獲得學問，試圖獲得優雅的風格，但實際上，在大部分方面，現代沃貢人和他們的原始祖先之間並沒有太大的區別。每年，他們都會從自己的母親星球進口27000只泛着寶石光澤的螃蟹，在一個爛醉的狂歡之夜用鐵錐砸碎它們。
因爲他的粗鄙，沃貢·傑爾茲可以說是一個相當典型的沃貢人。另外，他討厭星際漫遊者。
在沃貢·傑爾茲的旗艦上，一間黑暗的房間內，一根火柴燃了起來。這根火柴的主人並不是一個沃貢人，但他知道他們的一切，而且現在感到很緊張。他的名字叫做福特·普里弗克特。